So loved.
“Lying on the couch crying over you, Nathan.” My eyes fill with tears at how pathetic I must sound. “So stay the fuck away from me, okay?”
His face falls and he pulls me close. “Baby.”
“Don’t.” I struggle to break out of his arms, and he holds me tight against my will. “Let me go.” I struggle, and finally break free. I push him hard in the chest and he stumbles back. He shakes his head, knowing that I’ve completely lost my shit.
“I just want to talk.” He splutters.
“You’re too late.”
“I can’t move on until we do.”
He wants to move on.
My strength returns. “Fine.” I drop my shoulders as I prepare for war. “Let’s talk. You have exactly ten minutes.” I march into the closest bar and take a seat at a high table. He tentatively sits down beside me. The waitress approaches.
“We will have two margaritas with Agave top-shelf tequila, please,” he says.
I clench my jaw. I hate that he knows my drinks. “I don’t want to drink with you.” I bark.
“Fine. I’ll drink both.” He snaps.
The waitress raises her eyebrows as if surprised by my bitch antics, and I clench my jaw. I give her my best, You don’t know the whole story look.
He’s a jerk, okay?
I twist my fingers on my lap. I don’t want to blurt out nasty things so I’ll just stay as quiet as I can.
His eyes come to mine, and he smiles softly. “It’s good to see you, Lize.”
I clench my teeth shut and give a curt nod.
It’s so good to see you.
His brow furrows as if he’s searching for the right thing to say. “You’ve lost a lot of weight.”
“Couple of kilos. I’ve been going to the gym.”
He fakes a smile and scratches his head.
“You wanted to talk, so talk,” I say.
“Did you mean it? The letter?”
I shake my head as disappointment fills me. “I can’t believe you didn’t read it until now.”
“Neither can I.” He sighs. “I just… .” his voice trails off.
“You just, what Nathan?”
“I didn’t handle things as well as I could have.”
“You think?”
We stare at each other, and I know that this is it: my moment of truth where I need to say all the things I didn’t say before. I have so many regrets, and I need to be honest now, or forever hold my peace.
“Neither did I, Nathe. This isn’t all your fault. I’m to blame as well.” I shrug sadly. “I shouldn’t have left a letter. I should have said it to your face.”
“Can you say it now?”
“It’s too late.” I sigh. “It won’t mean the same now as it did then so just forget it.”
We stare at each other and sadness rolls over me. It really is too late for us.
There is nothing left to say that can erase the hurt between us.
He takes my hand in his and rests it on my thigh. “Please.” He closes his eyes as if steeling himself to hear it. “Eliza, you said you’d wait forever.”
I get a lump in my throat. Seeing him in the flesh brings it all back. The happiness, the heartache, and everything in between.
“I wanted you to know that I understood that you needed time, and that as your friend, I wanted to give it to you.”
His eyes hold mine. “Why would you say that?” he asks softly.
“Because I was watching you struggle.”
He squeezes my hand in his as if prompting me to speak openly. “How was I struggling?”
“Nathe.” I smile over at the beautiful man in front of me. I know it’s too late for us but I still adore him. “You were going along as normal, and then all of a sudden you got these feelings of attraction for me. And you acted on them almost instantly.”
“No, I didn’t.”
“Oh, what, you waited a few weeks?”
“That was a long time not telling you, Lize.”
“Anyway, my point is that once we were together and in love-and I do know that you loved me-it was full speed ahead. But I also knew that you wouldn’t leave me, and that, even if you had feelings for Robert, you would never have left me for him. That’s not the kind of person you are.”
His brow furrows as we stare at each other.
“I wanted to give you a choice, Nathan.”
“Why?” He whispers.
“Because ten years being your best friend has taught me one thing: your happiness was more important to me than our relationship.” I get a lump in my throat. “I could never let you give up your happiness for mine. I loved you too much for that.”
He drops his head.
“And then you wouldn’t talk to me when I was terrified that I was pregnant.”
He closes his eyes in regret.
I squeeze his hand. “It’s okay, Nathan. I understand.”
His eyes shoot back up to mine. “You understand what?”
“I know why you had to force me to leave you.”
“Eliza, I never meant to make you leave me. Just the opposite.” He pauses for a moment as he collects his thoughts. “When Jolie said those things to me… ” His voice trails off.
“What?” I prompt him to continue.
“I don’t know.” He shakes his head as if unable to articulate himself. “Something happened.”
“What do you mean?”
“I didn’t shut you out because I wanted Robert. I was devastated by you. I wasn’t able to….” He cuts himself off.
I squeeze his hand in mine. “What Nathe?”
“How could you think that I would use you for children?” His eyes search mine. “How could you possibly think that? You know me. Better than anyone else, you know me.”
Oh God, he’s still hurt about this.
He clenches his jaw. “I couldn’t get my head around it, Eliza. I still can’t. It was the most hurtful thing that anyone has ever thought of me.”
Guilt fills me. “Nathe, I knew that deep down. I was looking for a reason. I wasn’t afraid of you. I was afraid of me. I knew that I wouldn’t be okay if we didn’t work out. And I was right, I wasn’t.”
We stare at each other, and deep regret swirls between us. He dusts his thumb back and forth over the back of my hand. “So, you’re with Morgan now?”
“No.” I roll my eyes. “Tonight, was the first time I’ve seen him since I left. You’re with Robert?” I ask.
“I’m not with Robert!” he snaps, annoyed. “How many times do I have to fucking tell you that?”
“But you’ve been with Robert?”
“Not physically, no. I’ve seen him but not how you think.”
“What does that mean?”
“Ibiza was a nightmare. We were never going to work if we got back together. That was done ten years ago. And besides, we fight every time we see each other now.”
“Why?”
“Because he came to our home to upset you and it worked. You left me.”
“What about Stephanie?”
“I haven’t touched either of them, I swear on my mother’s life,” he growls in frustration.
“Who have you been with?” I know I shouldn’t ask but the masochist in me wants some pain.
“You don’t want to know the answer to that question.” His eyes hold mine.
That means a lot of people.
I get a lump in my throat and drop my head. This is why we can’t be together.
I’m weak as fuck when he’s around.
He cups my cheek in his hand and brings my face up to his. “But it cemented something for me.”
His eyes search mine.
“It’s you Eliza. It’s always been you. And I know that my love for you started out platonic, but you have owned me since the day we met.”
We stare at each other and, God, I want to take back the last six months. I want to throw myself into his arms and kiss and make up.
But I need to have some backbone and stand up for myself. “What are you saying, Nathan?”
“I love you. I will always love you.”
I stare at him.
“I want us to try again.”
“No.” I shake my head, the hurt all still too raw to even contemplate it. “I can’t.”
“Why not?’
“Because I can’t depend on you like I did. It’s not healthy to be as we were, and of course, we failed. It was a car crash waiting to happen. We know each other too well, Nathan.”
“That’s impossible.”
“I don’t want to get back together.”
He frowns, and I see a glimmer of his temper hovering just below the surface. “You can’t know each other too well.” He spits. “That’s ridiculous.”
“I want to be friends,” I announce. “I’m moving back to San Francisco next week.”
“You’re moving home?” he asks hopefully.
“No, I’ve got my own apartment.”
He sits back in his seat, affronted. “Well, this is nice, isn’t it?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I come here and lay my heart out for you, and you reject me again anyway.”
“What?” I snap. “Don’t you dare get angry with me for not jumping back into your arms.” I pick up my drink and take a huge gulp. I’m getting angry, too, now. Does he think I should jump into his arms at the snap of his fingers? “While you’ve been fucking yourself better, I’ve been devastated. So, forgive me for not wanting to jump back into bed with you, Nathan.”
He rolls his eyes. “How long are you going to throw that in my face for?”
“You know what?” I stand in a huff. “I’m not. That was the last time.” I turn and storm out of the bar. Who the hell does he think he is?
Nathan Mercer is still an asshole.