Eliza
I sit and stare at the paper in front of me with the pen in my hand.
What can I possibly write to make sense of this? I just want him to understand, although I’m not even sure myself.
I’m just going to lay it all out on the table. He can decipher it as he wishes.
Nathan.
Timing hasn’t been kind to us, my darling.
We met ten years ago by, what I thought at the time, was an accident.
It was anything but an accident. I believe it was fate.
I was meant to meet you, to be by your side as a friend for ten years. We were meant to fall in love, and in a perfect world we would have ruled that world together.
But I have doubts, and not about my feelings for you, because they are set in concrete. I will love you for all of eternity.
My fears are for you.
You see, Nathan, I know how much you care about me, and I know that any man who sleeps beside a woman for a long period of time will develop feelings for her. You were blindsided by your attraction to me, and in the end, you couldn’t fight it. We moved quickly and fell in love, and the days I spent in your arms are the happiest times of my life.
But things fell apart, and I’m broken-hearted, battling to get through the days. So, I’m going to explain things from my perspective. I’m not saying I’m right and you’re wrong or vice versa. I’m just trying to find a solution to this mess.
And being honest with each other seems like the only thing we haven’t yet done.
When you went to Stephanie when you had feelings for me, it broke something between us.
The trust I had in my best friend was lost.
I tried to get it back, but it never recovered. I was insecure about her, and then in Majorca, you told me that the biggest regret in your life was leaving Robert. It made me wonder if you’d ever gotten over him.
A feeling that stayed with me throughout our time together.
We came back to San Fran and moved in together immediately, I never resolved my Stephanie and Robert fears. This was entirely my fault, not yours. I blame myself for not talking to you and trying to resolve this earlier. I didn’t want to be the insecure girlfriend. I thought you deserved better.
Then I found out that you spoke to Robert every day, and obviously still cared for him. That, coupled with the fact you were friends with Stephanie all along and had lied to me about it, left me feeling so betrayed and only fueled my fears even more so.
While being desperately in love with you, my insecurities were spiralling of control.
Then, I met Zavier at the conference.
He was lovely, and we clicked straight away. I knew from the first moment that I talked to him that you and him were lovers. I wasn’t upset about it. I can see why. He’s beautiful.
We met, we spoke, and he told me about the two of you, and I understood. He said you were a wonderful person and he wished us the best. But at the end of the conversation, when I told him about our friendship for ten years, he said that it made a lot of sense.
All week at the conference, I wondered what he meant by it, and on the last day before I flew home to you, I asked him to elaborate as to what he meant.
He said that perhaps he thought you wanted children and your body has started to crave mine to fulfill its destiny. He also said that you had told him that you were still in love with Robert.
I was beyond devastated.
Crushed that perhaps we had fallen in love under false pretences, and that, no matter how much we loved each other, your love for Robert was never going to go away.
I was selfish, too proud to tell you my fears, and I talked to my friends instead of you. I thought I could handle my insecurities myself. I didn’t want you to see how badly I was struggling with us.
Because us was so, so beautiful, and you deserved better.
Maybe when you love someone as much as I love you, fear is always present. An evil, waiting in the wings to steal happiness.
I drop my head as a tear rolls down my cheek. God, this really is it for us. I blink to try and focus, and I begin to write again.
Then Robert came to you and professed his love, and seeing your reaction to him, I know it hurt. It’s obvious that you still love him.
You wouldn’t talk to me. You withdrew. Even through a pregnancy scare, we were distant. I died a little every day without you. At a time when I needed you the most, I was completely alone, faced with the possibility of having a child with a man who loved another.
I understand why-you didn’t want to hurt me by leaving. That’s not who you are.
Nathan, my darling, I’m giving you the time you deserve.
I love you so much-I love you more than life itself-and I could never keep you held to me, knowing that your heart is aching for someone else.
As your best friend, I need to sacrifice my happiness for yours.
Hopefully, we will find a way back to each other and you will come to me in New York.
I will wait for you. I will love you from across the country and pray that you return to me.
But I understand if you can’t, and I wish you all the happiness you deserve.
Please remember how much you are loved, and make the decision that is right for you.
I’ll be okay.
Always,
Eliza
xoxo
* * *
“Last call for flight 756 to New York.”
I sit in the boarding lounge of the airport. I’ve been here for five hours. I couldn’t sit and wait in that apartment a moment longer.
Nathan hasn’t been home for three days. I guess, if I was questioning whether I was doing the right thing, Nathan has answered me, loud and clear.
He wanted me to stay and fight for us, but there are two people in a fight and I can’t do this alone.
I wouldn’t want to.
He needs to show up, too. He needs to see where I am coming from, and that shutting down on me isn’t the answer.
Now, on reflection, I get his point. I see what he is upset about. But he’s wrong thinking that this is all in my head. I was there. I saw it with my own eyes how upset he was when Robert came to him, and I know he doesn’t understand any of this now, but hopefully, in time, he will.
Our love was too fast, too passionate, and too blinding with its beauty.
I smile sadly. Boy, was it beautiful. Nathan and I together, when things were going good, was a fairy tale.
It doesn’t get any better than what we had, and if he can throw it away so easily without even showing up for the fight then I guess I did us all a favor by leaving.
“Last call for flight 756 to New York,” sounds over the intercom once more and I exhale heavily.
It doesn’t make it hurt less.
I want the happy ending. I want the fairy tale where he runs through the airport to stop me from leaving. I glance up in the hope of seeing him. I long to see him frantically running to stop me from ruining everything.
But he’s not here.
He hasn’t been here since Robert came. Maybe even before that.
He checked out on me when I needed him to stand up and tell me what I had done wrong.
And he said that I had a prejudice. But maybe the complex is his, not mine.
I’m not saying I’m in the right, but any woman who found out that their partner had spoken to his ex every day for ten years, and that he had always begged them to come back to him, would be rattled. Add to that, the ex came back professing his love, and the boyfriend has hardly spoken two words to you since. It’s not rocket science.
I am doing the right thing.
We need space. We need time.
I need him.
My eyes fill with tears.
“Last call for flight 756 to New York,” repeats over the intercom.
I stand, and with one last longing look over San Francisco airport, I drag myself on the plane. It feels like my world is ending, and maybe it is.
Maybe this is the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever done.
He didn’t come.