I’m so sorry, son. I wish we had more time together.
I can hear his voice.
I have no idea how to write this or what to say, so the beginning seems like a good place to start.
You may ask why I kept the Ferrara business from you, Enrico-why I didn’t prepare you better.
It was my greatest dream that, by the time you learned of this, I would have held the helm for a good period of time and the violence would have been a distant memory for our family. I knew that one day you’d find out who your ancestors really were, and I wanted you to be prepared.
Although I didn’t train you for our business, I did prepare you in my own way. The day you became a policeman, Enrico, was the proudest day of my life. You learning that side of the law will help Ferrara greatly in future generations.
I’m guessing that you are searching for this because you have found out about Angelina.
I’m sorry I disappointed you, son. I felt this burden every day of my life.
A tear drops on the letter in front of me, and I stop to try and focus on the familiar handwriting.
Your mother and I were promised to each other on your mother’s birth, when I was only three years old. We met a few times over our lives, and we were to marry when I was twenty-two.
When I was seventeen and visiting an aunt, I met an English girl in Lake Como who was an exchange student. Her name was Angelina Linden, and she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. We talked, and I convinced her to let me take her on a date. One turned into two, two turned into three.
I fell hopelessly in love with her. We spent two wonderful years together in Lake Como, and when she had to return to England, I ran away to go to her. I couldn’t stand the thought of a life without her in it.
My family were appalled. I was promised to another. Many financial deals had been negotiated from this arranged marriage. Stefano came to London and made me return to Italy without my beloved Angelina.
It broke my heart. I never thought I would recover.
Your mother and I began the courting process and I told her I loved another. We spoke often of Angelina. There were no secrets between us. She was a dear friend who helped me through the process. In fear that I would run away again, the marriage was brought forward, and your mother and I exchanged our wedding vows. By this time, we were close friends and I began to have feelings for her. Not the same as my feelings for Angelina, but feelings all the same.
Your mother is the most beautiful, selfless person I have ever met. I adore her with every sense of my being. Over the next four years, we had three beautiful sons together. We traveled along and I was comfortable… but there was a part of me missing.
I close my eyes. I don’t think I can read on. After a moment, I force myself to.
I went to France for business. You can imagine my shock to run into my Angelina, who was there for business also.
In the ultimate act of betrayal, I spent a week in Angelina’s arms and feel deeply in love with her again.
This time, there was no end in sight. I couldn’t live without her.
I returned home and told your mother everything. I asked her for a divorce, to which she declined. She wanted me to be with her for our children’s sake. She wanted the security of having me at home. Your mother didn’t want me to leave her completely. She put forward the idea of Angelina moving to Lake Como, and that I live between the two houses. At first, I declined. It wasn’t fair to either woman. But my heart was with Angelina, and I couldn’t leave your mother with three small children alone.
Finally, it was agreed on. I would become your mother’s companion. I moved into the spare room of our family home. Your mother and I became just friends, and Angelina became my partner.
For many, many years, the three of us were happy with this arrangement. Your mother had my full support and devotion, and I got to live with my sons as they grew. Angelina had my full heart. But Angelina was missing a part of her life.
At the age of thirty-two and running out of time, she wanted a child.
I begin to hear my heartbeat in my ears as I read on.
I wanted to give Angelina a family of her own. She had given up her whole life and family to be with me.
To have half of me.
Angelina’s family disowned her when they found out she had moved to Italy to be a married man’s mistress.
When I wasn’t with her in Lake Como, she was completely alone.
It was a heavy burden to carry for her, and yet her devotion to me never wavered… not once.
She paid the ultimate price for my love: her dignity.
I loved her desperately, Enrico, please understand that this was not something that was created out of lust. I am a bigger man than that. I couldn’t fight my love for her.
I tried. For six years, I tried.
It only got worse with time, not better.
I agreed that she could have a child, and a year later, Angelina became pregnant. For the first time in my marriage, your mother was furious-crazy like I had never seen her before. She wanted to have my only children and she didn’t speak to me for three months. We fought. She showed me a side of her I hadn’t seen before. Heartbroken, I worked desperately hard to get my best friend back. I missed her. I missed your mother’s love, and then the unthinkable happened. For the first time ever, I fell in love with your mother. It was a different love to what I had with Angelina, but love nonetheless.
She deserved better than I gave her.
I don’t know how my life turned out the way it did. I was in love with two women.
My beloved wife and my devoted soul mate.
The three of us suffered, but Angelina ultimately sacrificed the most.
How could fate be so cruel?
The day Giuliano was born, my heart sang with happiness.
The joy that he brought to my Angelina was indescribable.
My biggest regret in all of this is that he didn’t get to grow up with his brothers. Enrico, when I look at him, I see you.
Brave, strong, and loyal.
I love you, son… more than you could ever know.
I drop my head as the tears roll down my face.
I hate to admit it but I can relate to this story. It was almost my own.
I sit and stare at the bookcase in front of me as I try and prepare myself to read on.
You may ask why I didn’t tell you any of this, Enrico.
The answer is simple: it changes you. It changes every part of who you think you are. Knowing that your family’s money comes from crime, knowing that your father has committed adultery for all of your life… it’s soul destroying.
Trust me, I know first-hand.
I was eleven years old when I found out about the family business. I was eleven years old when I witnessed my first murder. I was eleven years old when Stefano brought his mistresses into my life and paraded them in front of me as if I should be proud. There were multiple women-too many to remember. Sometimes three or four at once. This was his normal. This was how he was brought up. This was how he was going to bring me up.
He had no respect for my mother or me. It changed who I was, and for a long time, I hated him for it.
I vowed that I would never let my sons be tainted and bitter the way I was.
I wanted my sons to be proud of who I was.
I’m not perfect.
I know I loved two women, Enrico. The three of us were victims of circumstance. I know that I am still a Ferrara.
But I hope you remember the good in me, and how much I loved you.
My face creases together as pain tears through me.
Please listen to what I am about to tell you. I know you will be angry, but I have my reasoning.
Giuliano does not know anything about my other life. Like you, I have tried to protect him. He knows me as Papa-his father who worked away for a few days a week. The one who idolized his mother.
Enrico, I need you to be the strong man I raised and step up and look after my beloved Angelina and Giuliano.
They are all alone.
I have taken precautions, and they have been guarded up until you find this letter, but they are now in your care.
I have thought long and hard about this, Enrico, and I have made my decision based on personality alone. I have four sons, but only two are strong enough to be leaders. Giuliano is to be your successor, Enrico.
He will one day follow in your footsteps and lead Ferrara.
“No, Papa,” I gasp.
When Giuliano Ferrara Linden is twenty-one, and not a day before, he will receive a letter similar to the one you are reading now, and he will learn of everything. He will be publicly claimed as my son, and his name will be legally changed to Giuliano Ferrara. He will then hate me, I have no doubt.
I need you to take him under your wing and remind him of how much he was wanted and loved.
My love for his mother has not waned in death, he was my gift to her. Love personified.
Care for him, love him, and teach him what I have had the time to teach you.
Look after my beloved Angelina, and your beautiful mother.
I miss them both dearly.
I love you, my son. More than anything, I love you.
Be brave, be strong, and try to understand my life and why I haven’t always been honest with you. My only goal was to protect your sense of self.
I pray that I have.
All my love,
Papa.
x
Jessica