We stand in front of the hostel as we wait for the Uber. Eddie is chatting away happily, while Christopher and I are as awkward as fuck.
He won’t even look at me, and all I can do is stare at his beautiful face, hoping to catch a glimpse of emotion.
Any emotion will do.
Last night’s momentary brain snap has reopened the cut, and I’m bleeding out, in need of an urgent transfusion.
The car pulls up, and Christopher pulls Eddie into a hug. “Look after Hazen,” he tells him. “I’ll be back for you in a few weeks, and then we can start our new life in London.”
Eddie smiles proudly up at his protector. “Okay.”
Christopher’s eyes find mine, and a wave of sadness hits me like a freight train. He hugs me and holds me close, cheek to cheek.
Don’t go . . .
We cling to each other, both not wanting to say goodbye but knowing that we have to.
He pulls out of my arms and steps back. “I have to go.”
I force a smile. “Safe travels.”
“Call me if you need anything,” he says.
I need you.
“Okay.”
He messes up Eddie’s hair. “See you soon, kiddo.”
He gets into the Uber with a small wave, and the car pulls out into the traffic.
Eddie and I watch it disappear into the distance. My heart is dripping into a crying puddle on the floor.
Eddie turns to me, totally unfazed. “Want to go to the beach?”
I smile at his perfect innocence. “Sure.”
CHRISTOPHER
I sit at my desk and stare into space.
I’ve never felt so low.
Not only have I lost the woman I love . . . I used her for sex.
And she knew it.
I had to. I couldn’t help it. I had to dissociate so that I could go through with it.
In that moment I needed her body, and I couldn’t bear needing her.
It was better if I pretended that we weren’t breaking each other’s hearts in the shower that night.
It was better that we pretended we didn’t know each other.
So why does it feel so bad?
Like my whole world is coming to an end.
I regret losing her. I regret just fucking her more.
I only make love to Hayden Whitmore, nothing more and nothing less.
Why we went there, I don’t know.
Maybe I’m broken now? Maybe casual sex is ruined forever?
I keep seeing the way she looked up at me, the heartbreak behind her eyes.
She knew. She knew that in that moment, she could have been anyone.
I only did it to try to protect my broken heart.
Didn’t work . . .
I can’t leave it like this. I have to apologize for being so cold.
The guilt is killing me.
I dial her number, and I close my eyes as it rings.
“Hello . . . ,” she answers.
I get a lump in my throat, and I stay on the line, shocked that the sound of her voice can affect me so much. “Hi, Hayden,” I eventually push out.
She stays silent, waiting for me to say something.
“Hayz.” I try to articulate what I want to say. “I rang to apologize.”
“For what?”
“My behavior in the shower that night.”
Silence . . .
“I just . . .” My vision blurs with tears. “I had to block you out.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m angry at you for breaking my heart.”
“Chris . . . ,” she says softly.
“And I feel terrible, and I can’t forgive myself for it, and I know that’s not how we are. You didn’t deserve it.”
“It’s okay,” she whispers, and I can tell that she’s crying.
“I just . . .” I screw up my face. “I just miss you . . .”
“I know, baby. Me too.”
This isn’t helping anything. “I have to go,” I blurt out.
“Christopher-”
“Goodbye.” I cut her off before hanging up the phone.
I put my head into my hands. Devastation doesn’t come close.