I VISIT Doc because that seems like the natural next step after a relationship crisis. And Fuentes catching me in front of Ashley’s last night? That counts as a crisis.
The mechanic shop rings with the clank of metal. My footsteps plod back and forth.
Doc pushes up the sleeves of his overalls and studies me with intense eyes. “Did you hear me, Jerrison?”
I did.
And that’s exactly why I’m pacing.
Either Doc was spying on me too or he’s got serious psychic abilities because today’s lesson is about… honesty.
“Repairing what’s broken requires you to first acknowledge what’s gone wrong. It’s called being accountable.” Doc holds his hand out for the wrench. “When you’re dishonest, there’s a smell that follows you. Like a car that’s leaking. You can’t see it, but you know something’s wrong. Dishonesty breaks down trust until there’s nothing left.”
“Not all the time. Sometimes lies protect love,” I argue. “Lies only protect the one who’s telling them.”
“Let me ask you this.” I lean forward. “Say a guy was cheating on his wife, how much of the past should he tell her?”
“Infidelity destroys trust.” Doc smears grease over a part of the engine. “Transparency builds trust. You have to decide on your own how much trust you want to build and that will determine how much you say.”
“That’s a nice way to avoid a direct answer.”
“Direct answers don’t make you think.” He taps his temple.
“Touche.”
Doc bares his teeth as he uses force to break off a valve. “Hiding things from your spouse is like having a car with a broken window. You can put plastic to try and pretend nothing’s missing, but thieves can easily break into the car because there’s no real barrier.”
“You’re saying it leaves the car vulnerable,” I murmur. “And leaves your relationship vulnerable in the same way.”
“I hear you, Doc.” I humble myself and listen. After last night, I’ve decided I’m going to ease up on the arguments with Doc. Of course, I’m still going to fight a little. I won’t sit here and blindly drink the Kool-Aid before I’ve tested it, but I’ll probably drink a lot more than I have before.
“Once you’re willing to expose what is wrong, then it’s easier to repair the damage.”
“Or maybe she’ll realize there’s even more damage when I point it out,” I counter.
“Hiding it doesn’t mean that it didn’t break. It just means that no one knows where the leak is coming from and so they won’t be able to stop it.”
“Why do I have to tell her though?” I drape my arm against the roof of the car. “Why can’t I just show her by my actions, like you always say?”
“Have you shown any actions that can build her trust?” “I broke up with my girlfriend,” I admit. “Last night.”
Doc doesn’t look surprised to hear I still had a girlfriend up until a couple hours ago. “Does your wife know?”
“I haven’t formally admitted it to Harriet.” “That you had a girlfriend?”
“That I had a couple of them.”
“Why not?” Doc studies me. “She caught you many times. You both know that she’s aware of your infidelity.”
“I was afraid that saying it out loud would make it worse.” I sigh, thinking about Fuentes and how he caught me red-handed. Again. “But I keep wondering if bringing this conversation up would mean something. Would it destroy what little progress we’ve made or would it add more to the marriage I’m trying to build?”
Doc tosses the wrench to me. “What’s the most important part of a relationship?”
“Commitment.”
“A healthy relationship needs commitment and communication drenched in love.” He wipes the sweat from his brow. “Where are you in these areas? Who are you committed to? Who do you love?”
“I’m committed to my wife. I want my wife. I’m interested in Harriet
only.” My last meeting with Ashley convinced me of where my heart lies. “Do you mean that?” he asks, scanning my face.
“I do.”
Doc’s expression relaxes. “I’m glad you’re finally telling the truth.” “You knew I was lying before?”
He moves around the car. “An unfaithful man is usually good at deceit.” I guess I deserve that.
“What I was uncertain about is why you were here.” Doc scratches his head. “It wasn’t to get your wife back.”
How does he do that? Where can anyone bury their secrets that Doc won’t find it? I’m convinced he’s a wizard.
“Well?” Doc arches an eyebrow.
“It was a business decision,” I admit. “Ah.”
“I had the wrong motivations, but now I am invested.”
He scrubs his goatee. “What are your plans from here on out?” “To learn. To repair.”
“But you’ve only just ended your affairs.”
“Does that mean I can’t work on my marriage?” I ask defensively.
“I just question your heart. Those women you left behind, you have no emotional ties to them?”
I avoid Doc’s gaze. “Maybe I cared, but not enough to choose them. I used them because they were willing to be used.” The words sound ugly from my mouth and I’m immediately hit with remorse.
It’s a different feeling. This shame. This awareness. I’m not used to it.
If I were with the guys, I’d get pats on the back. Drinks on the house. High-fives. Having multiple women is a status symbol to them. But now that I’m seeing clearly, I realize how many lives I destroyed in my insatiable need to have more.
“What made you stop?” Doc asks quietly. He’s not working on the car anymore. He is totally focused on me.
“I realized I love my wife.” My shoulder hikes to my ears. “And I realized that I’ve been hurting everybody.” I think about Ashley’s tearful goodbye and wince. “Including them. Including my wife. And including myself.” My eyes lift to meet Doc’s. “But I’m ready now. I’m ready to take what you’re giving me and run with it.”
Doc points to the wrench. “Then you know what you have to do.” It scares me, but I start working on his assignment immediately.
The moment I leave Doc’s shop, I call my wife.
Harriet answers in a stiff voice. “What do you want, Jerrison?”
For a brief moment, I wonder if Fuentes told her he saw me leaving Ashley’s house last night. I panic, thinking I’ve lost before I’ve really begun. Then I hear noise in the background and realize she’s just busy.
Relief fills my chest. “I’m sorry to bother you but can we meet later?” “Sure,” she says.
“Harriet, where do I put these new supplies?” Nancy’s voice chimes in the background.
“I have to go.”
“I’ll meet you later.” I hang up the phone and count the hours until I can stop by her apartment.
When I knock on the door, Harriet opens it quickly and greets me with a smile. “Hey. Sorry about earlier. I was swamped.” She turns, leaving the door open so I can step through. “I ordered Chinese again.”
My eyes burn and my hands get sweaty. “This won’t take long.” “Oh? You’re not staying?”
I stare at her without answering. She’s so beautiful. So precious to me. Why didn’t I see it before? Why did I destroy our relationship to the point of no return? And what on earth did I do to deserve such an amazing woman who would put up with me in the chaos?
My heart squeezes painfully.
“I thought we could watch a movie. You sure you don’t want to hang out?”
I don’t think you’ll want me to stay after this. Sitting down in the sofa, I stare straight at the wall and gather my courage.
She squirms in the silence. “Jerrison, you’re making me nervous. What is this about?”
“I want to talk about what happened the other day.” “The other day?” A wrinkle forms in her forehead.
“The day you stopped by my office.”
She gets it immediately. Her eyes darken and her lips twist into a firm line. Bitterness creeps into her voice when she asks, “Why are you bringing this up now?”
“I talked to Doc today. About the importance of transparency. In the spirit of that, there are some things you need to know.”
Her eyes slash away. I can practically see her reluctance. I hear it. The resistance to face what she’s known all along. Saying the words out loud will only cement what I put her through.
I suck in a deep breath. Adrenaline builds in my body until it feels worse than riding a rollercoaster. Clasping my hands in front of me, I speak slowly and firmly. “That day, you told me that I hurt you and-”
“You more than hurt me, Jerrison. You tore my heart out of my chest and stomped on it.” Her eyes are red with unshed tears. “You damaged something precious.” She gulps and turns to me. “Did you know?”
I want to give her a better answer. Instead, I offer the ugly truth. “I knew.” Regret weighs me down. “But I never cared.”
She flinches. Digs her fingers into the sofa.
I carry on. Take one more step toward that force called honesty. “I messed up our relationship by bringing other women into it.”
Tears slip down her cheeks, but she doesn’t say anything. That scares me even more than if she’d started yelling.
“I was wrong for doing that. And I have no excuse for it.” I sigh with enough force to turn the ceiling fan. “Actually, I did have an excuse. In my head, everyone else was doing it. And I wasn’t as bad as the rest. At least I didn’t flaunt it like my dad.” Emotions clog my throat because I recognize how foolish that reasoning was. “I know that’s not good enough.” My hands tremble. “How can I say I love you if I treat you that way?”
She sniffs and wipes her tears with the pad of her thumb.
The air feels so heavy it’s a struggle to breathe. “Doc warned me this will be a hard journey and I’m going to admit that it feels like I’m just at the start.” I kneel in front of her because seeing her break down in tears is shredding my heart. “But Harriet, I’ve broken up with those other women. That girl you saw? I made it clear where I stand.”
She sobs as if I stabbed her in the chest.
I hold on to her tightly. “I’m done with that life. That’s the truth.”
As she weeps, Doc’s words waft back to me. The time to properly apologize is when you realize what you’ve done. When you realize how much you’ve hurt her. Because it needs to come from your heart.
I’m ready now. It’s there.
My love for her. My regret.
I meet her eyes. “I apologize for what I did wrong, Harriet. I acknowledge that my affairs hurt you and hurt us. I know how much damage I inflicted on you.” My voice warbles. She’s crying faster than I can catch her tears. They spill down her brown cheeks and sink into the sofa. I cradle her chin. “I don’t know if it’s possible, but I’m going to work like mad to earn your trust back.”
She pushes my hands down. “That’s enough, Jerrison. I can’t… I need some time.”
It’s hard to pull away, but I shuffle out of the apartment. My heart is squeezing tight. It’s an ache that probably pales in comparison to hers.
That night, I go home and stew in guilt and helplessness. Harriet’s face keeps flashing in front of me.
I saw how much I damaged us. Saw how much I made her bleed. And all the apologies in the world won’t be enough to fix that.