– Taylor –
I could still feel the tingle on my lips from Aly’s last kiss. Her face swam in my mind, the memory of those soft brown eyes making my insides go all fuzzy. I wanted to see her again, but I wouldn’t be the one to make contact. She didn’t want me, no matter what she was telling herself now. She had no idea what it meant to be gay, even in a place like North L. A. And when faced with those pressures, when she had to choose, she wouldn’t choose me. And it would be easier on everyone if that happened sooner rather than later.
I tried to keep my focus on my swimmers, and I did okay. Luckily it was a cloudy morning, so the numbers were down. Or maybe it wasn’t lucky, and bigger crowds would have made me concentrate more. As it was I had little to do but think about the petite brunette who’d shared my bed the last two nights. She wasn’t going to be there tonight, however, and I was going to miss her.
The sun finally broke through a little afternoon, about the same time as Jen showed up with my relief for lunch. The truck was empty, so I knew I was her last stop.
“Hey, Taylor, grab some lunch?” I nodded, despite the fact I knew she was going to talk about Aly. God, I never should have brought her to dinner last night.
We finished our noodles from the truck we’d chosen with only a little small talk, but when she’d set down her bowl Jen leaned back in her chair. “So?”
I shrugged my shoulder and tried to look confused. “So what?”
“Uh-huh. Are you freaking out yet?”
“About what?”
“About that girl who couldn’t keep her eyes off you last night. Or her hands, for that matter.”
I tried unsuccessfully to hide a blush, which made Jen’s mouth quirk up into a half smile. “She’s going back to school Monday.”
“And then she forgets about you?”
“Most likely.”
“Taylor, you know, not everyone is like that.” She leaned forward. “I mean, look at Vicky. After I messed up my shoulder and had to stop playing, she could’ve dumped me. Probably should’ve, the way I moped around. Not everyone is bound and determined to hurt you.”
“I know, I know.”
“So, are you going to call her?”
I shook my head. “She said she’d be really busy this weekend.”
“Did she say she’d call?”
I nodded, feeling far more embarrassed than I had a right to be. Mostly because of how badly I wanted her to.
“She will, y’know.”
“Uh-huh.”
“I can tell, the way she was looking at you. She doesn’t strike me as the type to fade away. I think it’ll be tough to get rid of her,”
I smiled in spite of myself, and the rest of the afternoon passed by. After climbing in the truck after my shift I looked at my phone, where a message from Aly had popped up.
Aly — I hope you had a great day being a hero! I’m gonna miss being in your arms tonight.
A couple of hearts surrounding a kissing emoji followed. Normally that would make me roll my eyes. Instead a warm, fuzzy feeling spread through my chest as I looked at it. God, could this possibly be different? Probably not. Please, please, please be different.
– Aly –
Dinner was odd that night. It’s not like I’d never had a secret from my parents before, like a bad grade on a test, or the fact I’d gone to a party I wasn’t supposed to, but never anything like this.
I’d had a long heart to heart with my cat, just talking through what I already knew. Taylor made my mind and body spin. For the first time in my entire life I couldn’t take my mind off someone. Obviously, I’d had the best sex of my admittedly short life over the last two nights (and mornings). It’d been a little like plopping someone who’d only eaten rice their entire life in front of the buffet at the Bellagio in Vegas.
But it wasn’t just that. Being with Taylor had just been, well, good. Like nothing I’d ever experienced being around a guy. Before this, relationships had always just felt forced. I realized that now. Isn’t it weird how a riddle can seem completely unfathomable until you see the solution, and then it becomes blindingly obvious?
Unfortunately realizing I was a lesbian was only the tip of the iceberg, and the first test of that came now. I endured some good-natured ribbing from my sister regarding my forty-eight hour date, but my parents headed off the worst of it, mostly I think because my dad was not keen on any details.
Still, all evening I felt as if I were an outsider, almost like I was watching from afar. My connection to my parents and sister felt damaged. I’d never realized how central that connection was to my sense of self until that night. I really felt adrift. My mom, who was almost as good at reading people as Sadie, knew something was up, and she tried to wheedle it out of me while I was helping her with the dishes.
“Everything okay, honey? You seem stressed.”
I shrugged my shoulders and put on what I hoped was a confused expression. “I don’t think so.”
“You haven’t told us much about your date. It must have gone well. You gonna see him again?”
“I hope so.” I filled up the soap dispenser in the dishwasher and closed it up, trying to act nonchalant while my heart thudded in my chest.
“Are we going to get to meet this one?” Mom gave me a little half smile. “Or are you just going to leave your father imagining the worst?”
“Maybe, but it’s early days still. You understand?”
“Sure.” Mom turned and looked me in the eye. “Are you being careful?”
“Mom!”
“Don’t ‘mom’ me, you still live under my roof. I only have one more year to mother you, and I intend to make the most of it. Now, are you being careful?”
Well I could answer this one honestly. Taylor was definitely not going to get me pregnant. “Yes, mother.”
It wasn’t long after that I was able to escape up to my room, where my phone, which was not allowed at the dinner table, was charging. I flipped it over, making a little happy noise when I saw the text from Taylor. It was amazing how the sight of her name made all the anxiety from dinner just drain away.
– Taylor –
As I stared at my phone I couldn’t believe what I was doing. It was just shy of ten, and Aly and I had been texting for over an hour. I never did shit like this, and I made fun of people who did.
The very rare times a girl knew how to contact me, I’d have been freaked if they’d done it the day after we’d slept together. But this I didn’t mind. I’d offered to call her, but she was worried about snooping kid sisters, so we stuck to texting. I talked a lot about the October art fair that I was gearing up for, and what I was planning for it, and she told me about what she was planning for her last year at USC, especially her senior design project.
Aly — I picked Prof. Del Vecchio as my advisor. I don’t think anyone else wanted him.
Me — Why not?
Aly — Toughest prof in the department. I was thinking I wanted the challenge. Now I’m thinking that was stupid.
Me — LOL. That’s so you.
Aly — What’s that mean?
She included a confused emoji so I’d know she wasn’t actually mad.
Me — Nothing.
Aly — No, really.
I had to think about it for a minute.
Me — You’re the most courageous person I’ve ever met.
Aly — Aww, Shucks. Bashful emoji. How so?
Me — I’ve seen you march up to a lesbian and demand she ask you out, pull her out onto a dance floor, the way you are in bed. And I’ve barely known you a week.
Aly — And how am I in bed? Devil emoji.
I could feel myself blushing as I thought about my response.
Me — Innocent but confident. Bold and adventurous, but thoughtful and sweet. Able to accept and give. You don’t know how rare that is.
Aly — You know I was absolutely terrified every one of those times, right?
Me – But you did it anyway. Courage isn’t the absence of fear, it’s the ability to overcome it. And you do. You’re amazing.
Aly – Another bashful emoji. I wish I could be amazing with you now.
Me — Me too.
God, I really meant that.
Aly — What are you doing tomorrow night?
I stopped and thought for a second. The truth was that Jared and his multiple roommates were having a party. I’d been invited or course, although I wouldn’t stay late because I was working. If I told Aly and she wanted to go, what would I say? I’d already introduced her to Jen and Vicky after all, but that had just kind of happened. And there’d been a strange car parked in their driveway for two days. I would’ve had to tell them something. This was more like making a plan to show off my new girlfriend. Was that what she was?