Azira
“Where were you?” Nat asks as I approach our table in the cafeteria. “Did you forget you were supposed to meet us at the library?”
My heart pounds unevenly in my chest as I avoid her gaze. “I got sent to detention,” I lie, feeling sick to my stomach.
Alex is sitting next to her with his arm draped over her shoulders. A cruel smirk twists onto his lips. “I never took you for a rebel, Sidorov.”
I glare at him, a part of me wishing things hadn’t changed between them. Granted, I’m thankful that Nat is no longer subjected to his torment, but now we have to endure his presence at every fucking meal. “Shut up, Alex.” I sit down in my usual seat opposite them.
Flashbacks of what I did with Professor Luigi keep recurring over and over, and the stinging cuts I had to bandage beneath my shirt are an ever-present reminder. I ran as fast as I could from that basement all the way back to my dorm room, thankful I didn’t run into anyone I knew. Or at least, no one who paid me any attention.
The shirt I’d been wearing was so badly stained with blood that I threw it in the trash can, feeling insurmountable shame as I washed the blood from my skin in the shower. I can still see the way the water turned red as it swirled down the drain. And then once I was finished, I dried myself off and bandaged the cuts he’d inflicted, sobbing.
I wasn’t sobbing because of the pain or what we did, but because I can’t quite understand what occurred between us and why I liked it. Ever since, I’ve been trying to convince myself that I didn’t enjoy it, despite knowing that’s a lie.
There’s something very wrong with me.
“Azira?” Adrianna says my name, brow creased.
I shake my head. “Sorry, what?”
She sighs. “I said Alex is right. What is with you and getting into trouble lately?”
I meet her gaze and shrug. “I don’t know. It’s as if all the professors have it out for me.” My cheeks are burning with heat as I pick up my fork, stab it into a potato, and place it into my mouth. It’s the only distraction I have as I try to force any thoughts of Professor Luigi from my mind.
Eva clears her throat. “Not without good reason. You haven’t exactly been the model student.”
My brow furrows. “Who’s side are you on?”
“It’s a fact,” Adrianna says.
“Yeah, you can’t blame anyone but yourself,” Nat says. “I’ll never forget the look on Coach Daniel’s face when you called him out about Adrianna. It was classic.”
Alex laughs. “True, that was fucking amazing.” I’m surprised by the genuine tone of his voice. “You really put him in his place.”
My face heats. “Fine, that was deserved to an extent, even though all I was doing was telling the truth.” I focus on my plate and fall silent, knowing deep down that I’ve been acting out so that I get sent to Professor Luigi. And now that I’ve got what I wanted, I’m not sure how I feel. I’ve never been so mixed up about something as I am about what occurred in that basement less than an hour ago with Blaine.
The orgasm was the biggest high I’ve ever had in my life. However, once it wore off, reality had slammed into me harder than hailstones plummeting to the ground in a vicious thunderstorm.
I can’t erase the image of him with my blood all over him, as it was almost satanic.
How could I truly have enjoyed what we did?
My stomach coils with shame and disgust. Not with him, but with me.
And so I did the only thing I could do. I ran away like a coward. Now it’s going to be awkward as hell when I see him next. There was nothing I could have said to him after what we did, as it was borderline psychotic.
“Are you okay?” Eva asks, nudging me in the ribs.
I clear my throat and nod. “Yeah, fine. Just thinking.”
Her brow furrows as if she doesn’t believe me, but thankfully, she doesn’t push the matter. Instead, she changes the subject. “So what are you all up to for Spring break? It’s only two weeks away.”
Adrianna blows out an irritated breath. “Don’t remind me. I hate going home.”
Nat arches a brow. “I thought you couldn’t wait to escape Coach Daniels.”
I notice the blush in her cheeks. “I’m used to his bullshit now. My father is far more difficult to deal with.”
Eva nods. “I know all about difficult parents.” There’s a sad look in her eyes as she rarely talks about her mother and the way she died. I mean, Coach Daniels shot her, for fuck’s sake. It’s insane.
Even if she didn’t get on well with her mother, it must be hard to lose her that way. I’d do anything for my mom to still be here. From what Eva has told us about her mother, she wasn’t much of a mother.
“Right, have you heard from your father since?” Nat asks.
Eva shakes her head. “No, and I never expect to.”
“Do you miss your parents?” Adrianna asks.
I notice the way her jaw clenches before she shakes her head. “As terrible as it sounds, no.” She sighs heavily. “I know it sounds heartless, but my mom wanted to kill me and I can’t seem to get that out of my mind. I’m almost glad she’s gone.” She looks at Adrianna. “And my father doesn’t care about me enough to reach out, and it doesn’t bother me. I’m happier than I’ve ever been here at the academy.” She laughs. “Which is ironic, as I never wanted to attend.”
“And now you are so glad you did because of us, right?” I say, joking. “Not because of the hunk of a principal you snagged.”
“Of course, part of the reason I love it here is you three.” She smiles. “I don’t know what I would have done without you guys. This place would have been hell.”
Nat nods. “I concur that this place wouldn’t be the same without you three.” Her expression turns a little sad. “It would have been even better if Giorgia was still here, though.”
I nod in response, my chest aching a little. Giorgia was my first friend here at the academy and it was hard when her family tore her away during spring break last year. She went back to Sicily expecting to return two weeks later and never did, and we haven’t seen her since except over video chat.
Out of all of my friends, she’s probably the only one I would have felt comfortable to talk to about my dilemma with Luigi. She’s the least judgmental of our group and the most open-minded, but she’s not here.
I hoped she was fine. Wherever she might be.