Mary Davies
He was gentle and slow, like he was afraid he would break me.
“Oh my goodness.” I whispered, burying my face into my hands. I didn’t intend this to happen, I can’t believe I got carried away. I was hoping the way he was going to fuck me would be the same with Hawk Andrews. But this was entirely different, he was so gentle and he went easy on me. This was another confirmation that this is not Hawk Andrews.
I couldn’t think when he fucked me, the pleasure overrides my senses and I was still shivering afterwards. Tears welled up in my eyes as I sat up in bed, there were too many bruises and wound that were inflicted on my heart by Hawk Andrews, I don’t think I will ever forgive him. Having sex with Edward Jones made it feel like I just had sex with Hawk Andrews but in a very different way.
I just can’t help it, all I see when I look at Edward Jones is Hawk Andrews. I know I was scarred already. Part of me knew this would always happen. I wish I could find love, I know Alphonso won’t want me. Who in his right mind will want to be with a pregnant girl. I am sure Edward Jones would not want to be with me if he ever finds out I am pregnant. But I was going to enjoy this while it lasts.
My heart attempted to drill a hole through my rib cage. Each pump was pumping fear of the unknown and pain into me. The emotions I was feeling right now was that of anger and resentment. I hated myself for this, for allowing myself get stirred up by him. The fear of knowing I will come face to face with Hawk Andrews existed, even if it was deep down in me. I really need to be comforted, maybe I should just take comfort in Edward Jones arms, hearing his secrets and telling him mine won’t be that bad.
I heard a sound outside my door, I knew it was him. He was probably about to go for his night swim as usual. My stomach rumbled, I was starving. I didn’t go for dinner when everyone was having dinner. And that is because I was ashamed to be in the same room with him after the sexual moment between us.
A part of me wants to believe he was Hawk Andrews, while a little part of me doesn’t want to. At times I wonder if I actually seduced Hawk Andrews like his sister, Jessica said. Yes, I had a tiny crush on Hawk Andrews and I used to hope he notices me and catches an interest in me.
When he finally did, I was hoping for a romance. Like the ones I see in movies, but all that turned upside down the day he took me by force. Truth be told, I have always desired a possessive and overprotective man, but going through what he did to me made me hate those qualities. What I desire in a man right now is love, affection and attention.
Hawk Andrews was the one who introduced me to sex, he was my first and I was scared he was going to be the last. Anytime I have the urge to have sex, he appears in my mind and it scares me a lot, he already ruined me for any other man and I have been finding it hard to be with any other person, though I have never tried. It is not going to be easy to be with another guy if Hawk Andrews keeps haunting me. Anytime I think about sex, Hawk Andrews comes to my mind.
But there is something about Edward Jones that I can’t really understand. He made me forget about Hawk Andrews even if it was just for a few minutes.
Hawk fucking Andrews. I can’t seem to get him out of my mind no matter how much I try to. One part of me likes him and the other part hates him deeply. This was hard, I know I am not meant to even like him, this was like a battle to him. I hate this dilemma that makes it hard for me to make a decision. He is not even met to be in my head, whatever he did to me was affecting me.
A knock sounded on my door and it made me become alert. I wrapped my covers around my body, hugging my legs.
“Mary, it’s me.” I heard my dad’s voice.
I made my way to the door and opened the door.
“Are you okay?” My dad asked as he walked towards my bed.
“Yes, dad.” I replied.
“I’m sorry we haven’t gotten a chance to talk. I understand if you don’t want to share anything with me. I just want to let you know I will always be here for you. Are you going to keep the baby?” He asked.
“Yes, dad.”
“It’s alright, I am in support with whatever decision you make.”
“Thanks dad,”
****
Three weeks later
Hawk Andrews
For three weeks now. I have been able to keep my fantasy of taken Mary Davies by force at bay, but this desire was stronger than I am. At times I want to go into her room and make love to her, but not yet. She has to trust me first. I need to make her believe I am not Hawk Andrews.
I just couldn’t do without her, I don’t want to feel that fright and shame that comes with me being a survivor of sexual assault. It makes me feel totally weak. I don’t want to be a weakling. I need strength from her. Resisting her is hard work, but the more I stay away from her. The less she fears me, I have the box I sent to her a few weeks ago with me. Sending her those messages was a way of making sure she is still mine. I am literally obsessed with Mary Davies and I really want to own her.
Exams will begin in a few weeks time and we will all be going to college, but I just want to steal her away and have her as mine alone. I am going to make her want me in such a way she won’t be able to do without me, I am going to make her crave for me. I am obsessed and I am going to make her addicted.
I am going to start with making her father sell her to me so as to pay off his debts. Then she can be absolutely mine forever.
******