Dani’s [POV]
In the morning, I knew he left without opening my eyes. The bed is cold, but it still keeps a whiff of his smell. I smile on my pillow, refusing to open my eyes. If last night was a dream, it was the best. When my eyes finally flutter open, my smile turns into a grin. My room is as large and peculiar as ever, but it suddenly seems less cold and empty. His mere presence here last night filled it with his warmth. The cup next to my bed reminds me of his gentleness. My tender lips remind me of his barely restrained passion. I see a note next to the cup and pick it up, the tips of my fingers prickling.
Thought it would be best to leave before everyone wakes up. You will have to tell me what you dreamt. You had the most adorable smile when I left you.
My stomach fills with butterflies as I read his note again and again.
“Dani!” My mother’s distant voice reaches me through the closed door. It comes through the interphone in the corridor. She’s up early for a Sunday. “Come to the living room.”
I dress quickly and go downstairs, curious. Maybe it’s last night’s bliss, but I’m hoping Mom wants something she never has: to do something together today, like shopping or going to a spa together. Neither thing is among my favorite activities, but Mom loves them. I wonder if I could tell her about Damon and ask her for advice about dating and boys in general. Hazel’s mom is always willing to give both of us advice on anything. I hold onto the hope that Mom can be like her today. I need her to be that mom today, whom I can tell a boy slept in my room and held me in his arms until I fell asleep. The mom who tells me what part is right, what part is not, and what my next steps should be. I’m self-sufficient in every challenge, but this is a foreign territory, and I can’t find the guidance I need alone. I need my mom.
When I enter the living room, I know something is wrong. Both my parents are inside, sitting on the couch. They’re not fighting, screaming, or otherwise hissing swear words at each other. They’re talking in a more civilized manner than I’ve ever seen them. They stop when they notice me.
“Take a seat, Dani,” my father says, pointing to the chair next to the couch. After I do, he continues in an aggravated tone. “It was brought to our attention that you have been behaving unacceptably lately.” I let out a sigh. The school must have called them after all. “Your teachers are dissatisfied with you. You even got detention.”
“One teacher is dissatisfied with me, and I sucked at his subject forever.” I often get B’s in Trig, only barely managing to scrape an A. Two weeks ago, I got a C-my first C ever-but it’s not the end of the world. “As to the detention, I got one in twelve years of school. I’d say it’s about time, isn’t it?” I study my parents’ faces, trying to understand their sudden interest. Is it just because my school record isn’t impeccable for once? Since when do they care what I do?
“We were also told you are spending an inordinate amount of time with Damon Cooper,” Dad says.
“Ah,” I say, half-relieved to finally understand where all this came from, and half-annoyed. “So that’s what this is about. Damon.”
“We specifically told you to stay away from that boy,” Mom speaks now, her words clipped and almost whispered.
“You gave me ridiculous reasons for it. You don’t like his dad. So what?”
“He used to go to a public school in one of the worst areas in Rhode Island. He acts like a hooligan. He probably is one.” Mom shakes her head.
Now I am very annoyed. “You don’t even know him, Mom.” I have to look away from both of them as I feel tears forming, stinging my eyes.
“You shouldn’t be around people like him, Dani.” Mom’s tone is gentler. “He has a bad influence on you. It’ll just get worse.”
“The low grades, the detention…” Dad says.
“I got one C; it’s hardly the end of the world. I have A’s in every other subject.”
“This isn’t you, Dani,” Dad adds. “We know you.”
Anger surges in my throat. I ball my hands into fists, trying to keep my voice calm. “Really? Let’s do a small test. Mom: at what age did I get my period? When did I get braces, and when did I have them taken out?” I watch my mother, giving her a few seconds to think. She comes up with nothing more than a bewildered expression. I expected it, but it still hurts. She was never talkative with me, or willing to display any affection, but a small part of me hoped she was a silent observant. That she at least knew what was going on in my life. Her blank face shatters those last fragments of hope. “What is my favorite meal? What is my favorite book?” I ask. Mom purses her lips. “You know nothing about me. You never wanted to know anything about me.” I turn to Dad. “Do you even know what grade I’m in?”
“Don’t be ridiculous. Of course, I do.”
“When was the last time you were at a school celebration? Never, that’s when.” Tears start rolling down my cheek. I don’t bother to wipe them away.
“Dani, be reasonable. I work very hard, and your mother has her commitments. There was simply never enough time-”
“For me. You always found time for your weekly bridge game and gatherings with friends. You might not have paid attention to me, Dad, but I have to you. Up until I was sixteen, I still hoped you’d change and talk to me longer than to say good morning or good night. I believed the weekend would come when you’d want to spend time with me.”
My parents look stunned. Underneath the layers of surprise, I also detect hurt. It pains me, but I’ve kept quiet long enough. If they think their behavior was right, it’s high time I let them know it was not.
“Mom, you do nothing all day except meet up with other rich and bored housewives, or go shopping. You are so bored you redecorate the house once a year. And still, among all this sea of boredom, you never take a few minutes a day to talk to me, other than to remind me of my pitiful sense of fashion. You two either shout at each other or ignore each other. That is when you don’t have to put up a good show for friends or business partners. Somewhere in this war between you, I was caught in the middle. Maybe you both grew so cold-hearted you never knew how to give me anything more than silence. Fine, I respect that but don’t pretend you know me. I simply want to have someone who cares about me. Damon does.”
“We might not have been the best parents, Dani,” my father interjects, “but we are your parents, and you need us.”
I laugh sadly. “No, Dad, I don’t. You know when I needed you? When I was seven years old our dog bit me during one of your garden parties. You instructed our driver to take me to the hospital because you were too busy entertaining your guests. I was scared and hurting, and I wanted my parents, not a stranger. I needed you when I was fifteen and I got appendicitis before Christmas. Neither of you was home and the staff had the day free. I took myself to the hospital in a cab. Then I had a hard time convincing the hospital to perform the fricking surgery. You see, they needed the approval of an adult who was in charge of me.” My eyes burn, tears rolling down in streams. “Oh, how I needed both of you then. Do you remember what you said when I called you and asked one of you to return to stay with me?”
Of course, they don’t.
“You said it’s an easy surgery, and you must remain skiing with your business partner. You wanted to strike a deal with him by the end of the trip. James flew over here from motherfucking Australia to be with me. You taught me how not to need you, and like the excellent student I’ve always been, I learned the lesson.”
I look away, the sight of them too much to bear. I can’t believe I imagined today would be the day Mom would finally act like a mother: kind and caring. What an idiot I am. Delusional.
“Why didn’t you send me off to boarding school like you did with James?” I ask. “You had no problems shipping him away when he was a kid. Why didn’t you do the same with me?”
My mother looks as if I’ve slapped her. “I wanted to be near you. Sending James off was a mistake. Children should grow up next to their parents,” she says. I read the meaning of her words. I can tell I’m right by the resentful look she gives my father.
Dad always had his work. Mom was desperately alone after she gave up her career for him. When James was born, that loneliness was curbed. Then Dad insisted on sending him to boarding school. She refused to let Dad send me away. I imagine she thought of me as a pet of some sort… or a doll. She wanted me next to her but had no idea how to be a parent.
“From now on,” my father says in a business-like tone, “you will be watched.” Ah, here it is. I’ve heard of his controlling nature, but never experienced it first-hand, perhaps because I’ve never done anything out of the ordinary. I’ve always blended in with the decor. I was the invisible daughter. “Paul will drive you to school and back, as always, but he will remain on your school premises at all times.”
I want to point out that Damon goes to the same school, so that won’t do anything, but I refrain myself.
“If you go to Heather’s-”
“Hazel,” I correct him.
“Paul will also drive you there and wait for you.”
“What exactly do you think you’ll accomplish by doing this, Dad?”
His features harden. “You deserve more than him.”
I swallow my next words. He listens to me. He took care of me last night. Even made me a goddamn tea. When was the last time either of you did anything like that?
“He’s just a thug who fights for money,” he continues.
I freeze. So they know that, but they don’t know I was with him yesterday at the fight, or that he spent the night here. If they knew, this conversation would be much uglier.
“Father, you do know I’ll gain possession of my trust fund in a few months, when I turn eighteen, right?” My throat constricts. My clueless parents; are more toxic to me than I ever thought. “After I graduate and move to England, you’ll be lucky if you get a call once a year for Christmas from me.”
Neither of them replies, so I leave the room, fighting tears. I just have to bear this until I turn eighteen. The trust fund was set up by my grandfather and will give me complete freedom. My parents might try to control my every move until I turn eighteen, but ultimately, there is nothing they can do to cut my wings.
***
Back in my room, I pace around until I calm down, and then call the only person in my family I can count on: James. He picks up right away, as usual.
“Hey,” he says, his voice muffled.
“Ooops, you were asleep. Sorry. I can call you later at a better time-”
“There is no bad time for my little sister to call.”
Warmth fills me and I climb on my bed, pulling my knees to my chest.
“What do you want to talk about?” James asks.
I gulp, realizing I haven’t properly thought this through. James does encourage me to go out with boys, but there hasn’t been one in my life until now.
“Err… so you know that new guy at school I told you about…” My voice fades as I try to come up with a good way to break the ice on this topic.
“Dani!” His voice is strong, the sleepiness from before completely gone. “Did you have sex?”
I groan. Leave it to my brother to break the ice with a hammer. Thor’s hammer.
“No, James. You know me.”
“Well, just checking. Hormones beat neurons most of the time.”
“Thanks for the vote of confidence,” I tell him.
“Sorry. I’m listening. What did you want to talk about?”
I fiddle with a pillow for a few seconds before I find the courage to utter the next words. “I… well, he spent the night here yesterday. But don’t tell Mom and Dad.”
“Define spent the night,” James says. I swear he speaks through gritted teeth.
“We didn’t do anything except kiss, James. I thought we covered that.”
“No, we covered sex. That’s fourth base. There are still two and three-”
“Okay, okay,” I say hastily. “I don’t need the talk. We only kissed.”
James speaks after a few seconds. “I can’t believe my little sister is going out with someone. I’m happy for you, and also extremely freaked out.”
“You’re my brother. Of course, you are.”
“What do you need?”
“The thing is,” I say, “he’s more… experienced, and I think he might want more soon. I’m not sure how soon is too soon, or how to handle this,” I finish lamely.
James is silent for so long; I fear he might not enlighten me at all. But he does. “You will feel when it’s right. I’m not talking about those times when you’re both hot and bothered. Sex always seems like a good idea right then. I’m talking about moments when you’re talking, or you’re not even next to each other, but you think about him. If you’re ready for more, you’ll know it. If he’s the right guy, he’ll understand.”
My shoulders slump in disappointment. “Yeah, that’s what all the magazines for teenagers say. But does it work this way? Won’t he get bored or anything?”
“No, he won’t. Unless he’s a jerk and all he wants is sex. In that case, you’d better stay away from him.”
“Damon is nothing like that,” I assure James.
“Is he pressuring you?”
“Not at all. I just want to know… how these things work.”
“Listen, Dani, this isn’t an exact science. Just take your time, and enjoy each other. It’ll work out.”
“Okay.”
“Do you want ice cream?” he asks out of the blue.
“Err… I don’t believe I’ve ever answered that question with a no.”
“I can buy some and bring it home. We could eat it in the greenhouse-just you and me.”
“You don’t have to do this,” I say gently. “You’ll waste a lot of time with a trip here.”
“Nonsense. I’ll come by in about three hours with ice cream. We can talk about whatever you want.”
I love my brother to pieces. “Thank you, James.”