There are a few appreciative whistles and some applause. Wellstone’s is one of the most expensive places around. I head along with every person in the room toward the coffee cart. I wait patiently in the long line that forms in front of it. One glance around the room reveals that not everyone is in the line. James and Parker are seated at their desks, eyes fixed on their computer screens.
When I finally do manage to get my hands on a cup of steamy coffee, I start looking for Ralph. I find him in front of the elevator, an arm swung around the shoulders of a tall woman with red hair. Ralph’s holding a cup of coffee in one hand-the one around her shoulders-and a pack of cigarettes in the other one.
“Ralph, I hope you’re not thinking of sneaking outside to smoke. There’s no time for that.”
Ralph turns around in an instant, and the redhead steps away from him, looking relieved. Judging by the youthful roundness of her face and the nervous way she glances around her as if expecting someone to reprimand her for her behavior, she must be an intern.
“Ana here and I were just going for a quick smoke.”
“I am sure you can do that after the deadline,” I say. I don’t specifically say you and Ana because I’m almost one hundred percent sure that Ana has no desire to go anywhere with Ralph. Sure enough, she smiles apologetically and darts off.
Ralph looks at me grimly then shoves the package in the pocket of his jeans.
“I can smoke a cigarette in under a minute, you know,” he grumbles as we head back to our desks.
“I don’t care how fast you smoke. The only thing I care about is how fast you can find this damn bug.”
We slump in our seats. Staring in his coffee cup, he says, “You honestly believe we’ll find it on time?”
I don’t answer. Instead, I start looking at the lines of code on the screen again, not taking my eyes off it even as I sip coffee from my cup. The noise of steps and chairs being pulled as everyone returns to work distracts me, and I find myself staring at the clock in the corner of the screen instead of the code. Once everyone has taken their seats, stone silence sets in again. The silence makes it even harder for me to concentrate than the noise. My eyes don’t leave the computer screen even for a fraction of a second in the period that follows. They blur again. I try to avoid looking at the clock, but my gaze slides there more often than I’d like. When there’s less than an hour left, Ralph props a piece of paper on the lower part of the screen, hiding the clock. I wipe my palms on my legs repeatedly because they’re sweaty as hell. Ralph jiggles his foot in a nerve-wracking way, and I put my right hand firmly on his leg when I can’t stand it anymore. He stops right away. Somewhere in the room, someone swears again and again in a heavy English accent. Parker.
And then something that might be a squeal or a scream pierces the air and for a second I fear it might split my head in two. More and more people join in the squealing, and then the whole room is standing and squealing. I cover my ears and turn to Ralph, who seems as lost as I am. He frowns, looking around as if fearing everyone has lost their mind. Then he jumps on his feet, a wide grin replacing his frown.
“Someone found the bug,” he mouths to me.
I’m not very aware of my next actions, but they include rising from my chair and uncovering my ears. The explosive sounds of cheering-and now clapping-don’t bother me anymore. My head is spinning in a delirious swirl. A lightness fills my chest, spreading and spreading until it overtakes my entire body. I feel just like I did when I jumped from that plane into nothingness. I spot James on the side of the elevator. He’s got his back turned to the room, one palm covering an ear, the other pressing his phone to his free ear. I’ll have to wait to congratulate him. I search for Parker, thinking that he must be so ecstatic now that I can’t find a better moment to make amends with him. It takes me a few minutes to locate him. He’s still in front of a computer. Not the one he’s been sitting at with James, but at one in the center of the room. He looks focused and determined, but no longer prone to start swearing. Next to him is a black-haired guy with glasses. By the way, everyone pats his back, he must be the one who found the bug. The darned error in the code. I want to hug him.
“Okay,” James’s voice resounds after a few minutes. Everyone falls silent. “Parker and I need to meet up with the investors right away. How about all of you go over at Wellstone’s and we’ll meet you there later to celebrate?”
There is a general buzz of
agreement in the room.
“Well done, everyone,” James says. “Well done.”
Ralph is among the first to reach the elevator, already holding an unlit cigarette between his fingers. The room empties almost completely in the next ten minutes. It’s just James and Parker who are left now, talking in low voices.
And me. I’m three desks away from them, and I’m positive that James knows I’m still here because he glanced discreetly in my direction a few times.
“Why don’t you wait in the car, Parker? I’ll join you in a minute.”
Parker turns around in surprise. He smiles-almost mechanically, without saying anything. If I didn’t know him, I’d think that he’s just too tired to be his usual self. But I do know him. And I know that the absence of words means he hasn’t forgiven me for what I pulled at that charity event.
“Don’t be long,” he says to James before leaving.
“I take it he’s still angry with me,” I say the moment Parker disappears in the elevator.
James chuckles, now standing in front of me. He’s no longer pale, and the dark circles under his eyes, though still there, coupled with his radiant smile, give him the cool air of someone who’s been partying all night.
“I think Parker still can’t quite believe you’d use him like that. Especially since he was such a fan of yours.”
My face must have dropped, because James adds quickly, “He still is, don’t worry. Though if we’re going to be late to the meeting with the investors because of you, he might change his mind.”
The next words are out before I can think them through. “Will Natalie be at the meeting with the investors?”
James narrows his eyes. “No,” he answers in a measured tone.
“I thought she owned part of this company,” I say indignantly. I’m not quite sure what I’m so worked up about. I should be relieved that he won’t see her. And that I didn’t have to face her here tonight. But this also means she’s more of a scum than I thought: omnipresent when it’s about reaping benefits, but utterly absent when things go downhill.
“Not anymore. I bought her shares.”
“What?” I ask.
“It was more of a forced buyout. I think that’s what made the investors so ruthless with the deadline for fixing the bug. They liked Natalie and weren’t exactly thrilled that I forced her out. They were looking for an excuse to… sever ties with me and the company. They might try again in the future.”
I stare at him, my throat suddenly dry, remembering what Parker told me about Natalie and the investors in the hospital. Investors seem to like her very much. I don’t know what to say. That I’m stunned he forced her out. I’m sorry he nearly bankrupted himself because of it. Because of me. There is no doubt that’s why he did it. I can see it in his eyes, in the way they glint. Expectantly. I know what he’s expecting.
But I just say, “You should go. You don’t want to be late for your meeting with the investors.”
Instead of going away, he moves closer to me. “Are you scared of being alone with me?” His breath warms my cheeks with every word. His palms are at the sides of my hips as if he’d like to touch me, but he doesn’t. He’s holding them a few inches away as if an invisible barrier keeps him from touching me.
“Serena?”
I shudder; I can’t help it. The way he says my name, it’s not like other times. It doesn’t remind me of our moments of passion. It does something else to me now. It reminds me there is a barrier between us. Because I put it there. And he’s done something I never really thought he would do to try and tear it down. Got rid of Natalie. But he doesn’t understand what I need. How little it would take to tear it down for good. Three words, that’s all.
“No, I’m not scared,” I say. My voice is trembling slightly. “I wanted to be alone with you, to tell you I can’t come to the breakfast. I… have things to take care of.”
He laughs softly in my ear. “Come on Serena, you want me to celebrate alone?”
“There are plenty of people you’ll celebrate with.”
“If you’re not with me, I’ll be as good as alone. I want you by my side. If you were mine, I’d-”
He stops abruptly and I lift my head, locking eyes with him. They’re hesitant as if he doesn’t know if he should continue. I want him to continue. I need him to. If I can’t have his lips caress me, then at least his words.
“If you were mine, I’d get on a jet with you and fly somewhere far away. Just the two of us.” He lifts his hand to my face, and the slight touch of his fingers on my cheek is almost unbearable. I don’t pull back, and I don’t break off eye contact. I can’t, though I know I should.
“I’d kiss you right now, make love to you if you were mine,” he whispers, his fingers trailing to my lips.
I don’t know where I find the strength to say, “But I am not,” when all I can think of is losing myself in his arms, his lips. His hand falls by his side. He takes a step back, and I look away from him, not wanting to see the disappointment in his eyes.
“You should go,” I repeat.
“Promise me you’ll come to breakfast,” he says.
“James-”
“I won’t bring… us up again. You have my word.”
“Fine, I’ll be there.”
“Excellent. I hope they are well stocked with champagne.” He rubs his hands energetically.
I laugh, more out of relief that the moment of tension is broken. I managed to be inches away from him and resisted him. “Planning to drown these past horrible hours in champagne?”
“Horrible hours? Maybe,” he says playfully. “But they were also fun.”
I blink. “Fun?”
“And exciting. Don’t you think?”
“If almost getting a heart attack is exciting to you, then by all means, yes, this was exciting. I’d call it dangerous.”
“Isn’t that the same thing?”
“Not for me,” I say. “Jumping from a plane is exciting. Almost losing your business is dangerous. Risky.”
James smiles as if nothing could amuse him more than what I’m saying. It feels alien, talking to him like this. In another life, I think we could be friends. The kinds of friends who have nothing in common, and who continuously make fun of each other’s differences. Like Jess and me. But in this life, I know we could never be friends. Not when I crave his touch, his lips. Not when the memory of our last night together shatters me bit by bit with every passing day. It was easy to ignore all of this before when we were surrounded by people, but now… now it’s inescapable. My lips still ache with the memory of his touch. Only distance will help me escape my need for him. Suddenly, I’m not sure New York is far enough away.
“Everything in life is risky, Serena. Life is not like college.”
“I know that,” I say, a little too snappy. “But some things are riskier than others. Like this and everything in Silicon Valley.” I point around with my hands. “I could never live like this. I don’t know how you can.”
He bites his lip. “I couldn’t imagine living any other way. It’s the only way to live.”
I frown. “You do agree that it’s dangerous, though?”
His phone rings, and he puts it to his ear without glancing at the screen to see who’s calling. “Yes Parker, I’ll be there in a second.” He closes the phone and smiles at me, walking backward toward the elevator.
“Of course it is dangerous. But it’s also thrilling.” He presses the elevator button, and the doors open immediately. “It makes me feel like I live life at its fullest every single moment. And what’s the point, if you don’t live life at its fullest?”
The elevator doors close, leaving me alone in the empty room. Alone and too stunned to move. I remember someone else living by this prerogative. Kate. She said something to this effect to me once, just before she sneaked out of our house, through the window of her bedroom. It was before she started heavily doing drugs. She’d been invited by one of her classmates to her fifteenth birthday party. Her classmate lived way too far from us, so my parents wouldn’t hear of it when she asked for permission. So she did what Kate did best: ran away, even though I repeatedly told her Mum would ground her for months if she caught her-which I was sure she would. This only seemed to motivate Kate more. In the years that followed, I learned that nothing excited her more than the thrill of losing everything.
I always thought it was the drugs that made Kate so reckless. But now I realize it might just have been her way of living life. To its fullest. Every single moment.
Like him. They are the same, Kate and James. Danger excites them. It’s just that Kate ended up on the wrong side of danger. That’s where I always thought people dabbling with risk would end up. It never occurred to me that it depends on what kind of risks they take.
Jess always took risks-whether it meant forgoing paying insurance to have more pocket money, partying in less-than-decent bars, or having sex with a stranger. She always got out of whatever trouble she was in almost effortlessly like she did when she needed money to pay off the bar damages. She always took risks but never really got to the point of no return.
Neither did James.
But the line between reckless and the point of no return is so thin, that one can cross it and never even realize it. Like Kate.
And so I always shunned risk. Every form of it. I dismissed Kate and then Jess humoring me, constantly telling me I live a half-life. It was such a breath of fresh air when I met Michael. He, like me, seemed to want to stay out of any kind of trouble. No class skipping or bungee jumping for him. None of that for me. I thought we didn’t need any of it. I honestly felt completely that way.
And then he left me.