Sleep was a long time coming for both of us. I could almost feel Sandy’s brain whirling through the possibilities, searching for a way to make everything right. I wish I had an easy answer for her, but I didn’t. I had texted Paige, telling her to call me as soon as possible. She’d had a long day, though, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she were already in bed.
She called the next morning, and the tremor in her voice told me she’d already heard. Paige wasn’t the weepy kind, but I could hear her crying on the other end of the line. I could tell she felt like she’d somehow failed her friend, and maybe she had. Maybe we all had, in a way. Maybe we should have done something different, but to be honest I didn’t know what that could have been.
My mind whirled through all of the possibilities as I sat in church, Sandy by my side. I was hoping that God would speak to me during the sermon, but no such luck. It was a generic message, based on serving each other, one I’d heard the pastor give a dozen times, variations on a theme.
As my mind wandered, my hand slipped into Sandy’s without conscious thought. My lover’s face turned towards me, wordlessly asking me if I were sure about this. I was confused for a second, before her hand moved and I glanced down at our interlocked fingers. I’ll admit my first reaction was to pull away, but I didn’t. An elderly gentleman to our right looked over at us, his eyes flicking down to our handclasp. His look turned ever so slightly icier as he looked back toward the front.
***
“Pastor, could we speak for a second before you leave?”
“Of course, Melanie.”
I’d introduced him to Sandy a few weeks ago, as just a friend, but that ended today. I said ‘thank you’ and moved on, since there was a good-sized line to shake the pastor’s hand, as usual.
We moved over to the seating provided in the large foyer, where Penny Hobson immediately approached, her face wearing her standard gleefully fake smile. Okay, it wasn’t exactly ‘fake’, she just was happy about something other than seeing you.
“Melanie! You brought your friend again!”
I took a moment to flash an equally inauthentic smile. “Nice to see you, Penny. You’re well, I hope?”
“Very well, thank you. So, I hear you two were getting emotional during the service.” She sat down next to me and patted my knee, dropping her voice to a whisper. “We’ve all needed a friend’s hand to hold from time to time. No one is thinking anything salacious.”
What a liar, that was exactly what she was thinking. I looked her square in the eye. “I wasn’t worried about that. There’s nothing salacious about me holding hands with my girlfriend.”
Her mouth dropped open, but I continued before she could respond. “Everyone knows you like to gossip, so that should be a juicy one for you. Enjoy, but I’d do it quick, as I don’t intend on keeping it a secret for long.”
She didn’t say a word, and I watched the faux-pleasant look drain away from her face. Fortunately, she left without saying another word, almost running over to where a group of her friends were congregating.
“You sure about this?”
“Yes.” I watched as Penny spoke quickly to the gathered group of women. As she did the others’ eyes flicked towards me. “I’m done hiding. And if we can’t be together here then I won’t be here. That’s the end of it.”
Sandy sat down next to me, a wry smile on her face. “I think I’ve been a bad influence on you.”
“Nothing bad about it.” I leaned in and kissed her cheek. When I sat up Pastor Daniels was standing next to us.
“Well, I think I can guess what we need to talk about.”
***
It was early evening and I was lying down, head on Sandy’s lap. I had my Kindle out while Sandy watched a football game. Our conversation with the Pastor had confirmed what I had already guessed. I wouldn’t be banned from services or anything, but he couldn’t acknowledge a same sex relationship, and I wouldn’t be permitted to hold any kind of leadership position in the church. Not that I held any at the moment, but still.
I’d stayed at that church for reasons previously discussed. It wasn’t overly conservative without being able to to be called liberal. But the underlying bias was still there, as much as I tried to ignore it, even if it wasn’t always talked about.
I’d already made the decision, and I was just mulling over how to tell the kids, and my parents, that I wasn’t staying there. As I was running through these issues my phone dinged from the side table. I sat and picked it up, looking at the screen.
Bill – Turn on channel 6, quick.
I sat up and pointed at the T. V. “Sweetheart, put on channel 6.”
Sandy pointed the remote and made the change.
“Thank you, Devon.” A pretty brunette reporter was standing in front of the Lost Valley High School sign, talking into her microphone. “For the second time in a few weeks the Lost Valley High Field Hockey team is making news, this time for a very serious reason.”
The scene shifted and Mary Ann Ellis was talking into a microphone in front of several reporters. “Last week there were reports of inappropriate behavior by the Coach of the Lost Valley Field Hockey team. My husband and I removed our daughter from the team as quickly as possible, but we had no idea that the Coach in question had already been grooming our daughter to believe she was a lesbian. And that grooming almost cost her her life.” The grief on her face was real, but it was overlaid with a bone chilling mask of anger and hate, and I felt the block of ice forming in my chest as I watched her speak.
“I want the school held accountable for their inaction, which could have been deadly. And I want the Coach removed. School officials do not have the right to indoctrinate our children into sin, to groom and sexualize innocent boys and girls.”
The screen cut away, back to the reporter lady. “Now, we aren’t releasing the name of the young woman in question, as she is a minor. According to her family, however, she remains in critical condition at Duke University Hospital. We have not been able to reach Principal Harrison, however we did speak to Lenoir Madden, a member of the Raleigh School Board, who stated that she intended to look into the matter immediately. This all comes on the heels of the Lost Valley Lady Panthers’ first playoff victory in a decade. The controversial new coach, former Olympian Dr. Sandra Dalton, has been at the helm of the program for less than one season.”
Sandy shut the TV off, and I put my hand on her knee. “Sweetheart?”
“I don’t want to hear what they’re saying about me.”
I put my hand to her cheek. “You are a wonderful coach and role model, and the girls all adore you. And, um.” My cheeks flooded with heat.
“And what?”
“Do you have any idea how much better my life is with you in it? How happy, how alive I feel since I met you?”
Sandy’s eyes closed, a tear slipping free as she leaned into my hand. “I love you, Melanie.”
The sincerity, the complete vulnerability in my powerful lover’s voice made my heart break. My lips found hers, she sank into our kiss as accepted the strength I was offering. I broke away. “I love you too, and I’ll be right here through this. I promise.”
“I know.”
I took Sandy back to bed, but I didn’t try to pleasure her or initiate anything. But I did hold her close, gently massaging her neck and pressing soft kisses to her forehead and temple. I loved the was she gave herself over to my care, just letting me hold her close as she cried softly in my arms.
***
The waiting is the worst part, not knowing when the other shoe would drop. A story appeared in the paper the next morning, detailing what was known about what had happened. Kaylin wasn’t named, but it was pointed out that she was a former member of the Lost Valley Lady Panthers, under the leadership of ‘controversial coach’ Sandra Dalton. Paige and several of her teammates tried to go to the hospital to visit Kaylin, but her parents refused to allow them in.
By the time Paige got home she was in tears. I consoled her as best as I could, and she came into my room with her brush after she’d showered that night. She sat on my bed as I brushed her hair.
“Is Coach Dalton gonna get fired, Mom?”
“I hope not, sweetheart, but I don’t know.”
“But it’s not her fault! It’s Kaylin’s parents’ fault. How can they be like that?”
“Because they think they’re trying to save her, misguided as that is. They have to vent their anger somewhere. Some people can’t accept that others are different.”
“I’m glad you’re not like that, mom.”
My eyes misted over. “I remember when you were born, holding you, looking at your tiny wrinkled face. I still felt like a kid, with no business being anyone’s mom. But there was this little life in my arms. I wanted to know you, to learn about who you were, what you’d become. My mom had decided who and what I was going to be from the moment she knew I was going to be a girl. I refused to do that to you.”
“And that didn’t include being a lesbian, did it?”
“Ah, no, it most decidedly did not.” I ran the brush through her hair again. “But I want you to be anything you want. To be with anyone you want, as long as they’re good to you. And I want you to be strong enough to need someone.”
“To need someone?”
“Yeah. It takes a lot of strength to let yourself be vulnerable, to admit you need people. Especially today, when everyone tells women we can’t need anyone, especially a partner.”
“Just women?”
“Oh, men need people, too. In some ways they have it worse. I don’t think we can really know the pressure men feel to be ascetic and emotionless. Too many men see emotions as weakness. It gets drilled into them when they’re just boys. I saw it happen to your brothers. It takes a lot for a man to admit he needs someone. But they’re just as lonely as we are.” I ran my fingers down through Paige’s hair, feeling for tangles. I didn’t find any, so I kissed the back of her head. “I think you’re good to go.”
“Thanks, Mom.” She leaned back against me, and I held my baby girl against me. She rested there for just a second. “I’m going to ask Brandy out, after the season. I like her, Mom. I don’t want to be afraid. Kaylin was so afraid.”