It took me weeks to ask Valentina to come back to our bedroom. It still didn’t occur to me to apologize, even though it would have been the right thing to do. Valentina was pregnant with my child and I was unable to admit my mistake, unable to beg her to forgive me as any good husband would have done. I still ached to think that Carla had not told me the truth about her infertility. Ines had told me after I had admitted my argument with Valentina in a moment of weakness. Carla had worried that I would consider her less if I found out she could not get pregnant, let alone my father’s reaction if he ever found out.
Despite my many faults, Valentina returned to our bedroom, fighting for our marriage, something I was not yet able to do as she deserved. I tried to show her my willingness to do my part by removing Carla’s things from the old bedroom. It felt like a betrayal to her, but at the same time I felt a weight lift from my heart with every piece of Carla I took away. The past had had power over me for too long. I had to let it go. I could not lose Valentina.
John came in the afternoon for our weekly meeting, but fifteen minutes before the agreed time. He hugged Valentina tightly, kissing her cheek, and whispered something in her ear that made her smile and die when she looked at me.
Guilt always caught me by surprise, which shouldn’t happen, since it had been a common feeling with my wife lately.
With another tender glance at Valentina, John finally walked toward me and followed me toward the office. He was having a hard time keeping his excitement at bay. Once we entered the office , he grabbed my hand and shook it. “Congratulations.
I’m so happy for you and Val.”
I gave an abrupt nod of assent. This was the reaction Valentina expected from me. Yet, I still could not show her how I felt, that I was looking forward to having a child with her.
Our baby. It was an unsettling thought. I had made peace with not having children when Carla had gotten sick. I had never blamed her, even when she often felt guilty for not giving me an heir as everyone expected of her. It had almost seemed like another betrayal that Valentina had gotten pregnant so quickly. Not only did I long for Valentina, I longed for her closeness, but she would also give me what Carla could not.
I tore myself from my thoughts when I realized how worried John looked at me. “Are you okay?”
“Of course,” I said. “Valentina and I are excited about becoming parents.”
He squinted his eyes thoughtfully. “Are you sure everything is okay? Is it about the baby? Is it a girl?”
I grimaced. “Even if it is a girl, I would be happy. The baby is fine.”
Really? I still hadn’t talked to Valentina about our daughter, I had never taken her to the doctor. Fuck. I was a fucking bastard.
“How about we focus on work now? Rocco will be here soon.”
John nodded slowly, but I could tell he was not happy with me. There were two of us.
I had been swamped with work all day, yet my thoughts were on Valentina. The house was quiet when I returned. Perhaps Valentina was in Bibiana. Maybe she was avoiding me as I was avoiding her. I needed to overcome my pride, my damn stubbornness, and talk to my wife.
I walked into my office and stiffened when I found Valentina inside. The moment she turned toward me, I knew something was wrong.
She looked distraught and close to tears. My insides turned to stone. Had something happened to the baby?
Relief flooded me when she told me about seeing Antonio, about his plan to have me killed. It was surprising how disturbing news like that was still better than the alternative : of Val telling me something had happened to our child. I could handle the traitors. I couldn’t handle the loss of our baby.
When Valentina finished telling me Antonio’s plan, she was crying softly, her eyes searching for me almost desperately. I wiped my tears away with my thumb.
“You know what’s strange?” she whispered in a rough voice. “At one point, I thought I could never love someone the way I loved Antonio, no matter how unrequited that love was. And today I condemn him to death for another man who will never love me again.”
My hand against Valentina’s cheek stopped. I had avoided considering the extent of my feelings for Val, preferring to protect myself from them. I had been in love with everything Carla symbolized: piety, innocence, virtue, pure goodness, long before I loved her. Love had come in time and then burned so fiercely that it had almost incinerated me when it was ripped away from me. I never wanted to be involved in anything as destructive as love again . This showed my arrogance: to think that I was above the strongest human emotion, that I could decide never to love again.
“We shouldn’t wait too long. Maybe he will realize it was stupid to contact you and decide to go back into hiding.
We must reach him before then,” I said, still engaged in a battle I had already lost. So arrogant and proud.
Valentina moved out of my reach and I lowered my hand.
Now I had to deal with the traitors. That was all I could focus on.
It was always easier to unleash one’s anger on others than on oneself, even if I was the one I despised with a burning passion . I took off my jacket and rolled up my sleeves as I watched Antonio and Raphael tied to chairs in front of me. Absolute terror was reflected in their eyes and it was a wonderfully satisfying sight. I had promised Valentina to end Antonio quickly, knowing that I was lying. I could not spare him, not only because I needed the information he was hiding, but also because I needed to satisfy the dark hunger in my veins that demanded blood, pain, screams.
Arturo stepped back, reading my mood with curiosity. “Do you want to deal with it?”
I tilted my head with a cold smile that made Raphael wiggle in his seat, then groan against the tape covering his mouth. His kneecaps were splintered, but that would not kill him. Antonio’s stomach gunshot wound was a bigger problem, but Arturo had bandaged it so it would not bleed too soon.
“For now,” I said.
Arturo nodded and leaned against the wall. He had just taken his father’s place as Executor, but he was a capable resource. He liked torture, which was always a useful feature in our work. Yet sometimes I feared he liked it a little too much. One look at his dark, eager eyes let me know that he was impatient for me to begin. At that moment, my eyes probably had the same mad need for bloodshed.
I let my gaze slide over the display of knives, scalpels and other tools intended to make a traitor’s last hours as harrowing as possible. Arturo was always trying out new tools, disturbingly creative in his work.
I preferred the normal methods of torture. Unsheathing the knife, I approached Antony and ripped the tape away. He shouted. “Think of Val. He would never want you to torture me,” he croaked.
It was the wrong thing to say, reminding me of his bond with Val, how he had failed her as I had failed her so far . Even knowing he was gay, the thought of him kissing Val, of touching her sent a lance of jealous rage through me. I smiled and he began to tremble. “Val will never find out, will she?”
Antonio swallowed, his eyes darted to my Executor. If he was hoping for help, he was sorely mistaken.
“You will tell me everything I want to know, every little detail, about this coup, about your fellow conspirators. But first … about Val.”
Antonio’s eyes went wide.
I had to torture Raphael for information about the conspiracy, but Antonio was the only one who could help me understand my wife, the very essence of her being and perhaps my conflicting feelings for her.
I changed before going home. The house was strangely quiet when I entered. Taft was in his guardhouse and Zita and Gabby must have already gone home. I climbed the stairs in search of Valentina.
After the picture Antonio had painted of my wife, guilt weighed even more heavily on my shoulders. Val was a good woman, trying to help the people she loved with everything she had.
The sound of running water drew me into the bathroom, and the sight before me ripped through the dark clouds that torture had pasted on my soul. Val huddled in the shower, her legs clutched to her chest as the water rained down on her. Her hair was glued to her trembling body. I sneaked over and shut off the water, surprised to find it warm when Valentina’s goose bumps suggested she was cold.
I could not explain what I felt as I watched my heartbroken wife, her anguish and pain. Antonio and Raphael’s heartbreaking cries had done nothing to me, but my wife’s state was tearing me apart.
I took Valentina in my arms and lifted her, feeling her trembling against me. I wanted to protect her from every evil in this world, but the greatest evil of all was my own demons.
I laid Val down, but she clung to me even as I dried her with a towel. She surprised me by burying her face in my neck, shivering.
“Oh God,” she whispered.
I lifted her once more and carried her to the bed where I gently laid her down before lying down beside her. Val’s breathing was labored, her eyes turned back hard as she succumbed to shock. I touched her cheeks, forcing her to look at me. “Shh, Val. It’s okay.”
“I killed him,” she croaked over and over.
“Val, look at me.”
She did, and the pain in her green eyes stirred emotions in me that I had not felt in a long time. “You did what was right. You did what you had to do to protect me. I will never forget that. Never.” I stroked her cheeks, meaning every word. Although I had been a horrible husband to Valentina, she had chosen me.
“I told you you could trust me.”
“I do, and I do.”
“Did you get the names of the other traitors?”
I nodded, “Yes. I’m pretty sure. Enzo and a few others are taking care of the less important rats right now.”
“What-what did you do to Antonio?”
“He’s dead, Val.”
“I know, but what did you do to him?”
“If it’s any consolation, I focused my main attention on Raphael. Antonio had a quicker death than any other traitor.” It was no lie. Raphael suffered even more, but it was not the truth Valentina had asked for. It was the one he deserved. She needed to be happy, and I would not burden her with Antonio’s cruel death.
“Thank you.”
I watched her pale face, her trembling lips, her wide eyes. “Val, you’re worrying me.”
Val kissed me, tasting tears and her own tantalizing sweetness. My eyebrows came together, not knowing what to think of her behavior. “Please,” she whispered. “Make love to me. Just today. I know you don’t love me. Pretend, just for tonight. Hold me in your arms for once.”
I had been fueled by self-hatred when I had dealt with Antony and Raphael, but that was nothing compared to what I felt now. I deserved ten times as much pain as I had caused them.
“God, Val,” I croaked and kissed her.
I put aside my self-hatred and focused on giving Val what she deserved, what I wanted to give her. For the first time, I allowed myself to take my time to kiss Val, to pour my need into her. Val softened under my touch as I caressed her shoulder, arm, and hip, doing what I should have done the first time I took her.
I shed my shirt and hugged Val to my chest, stroking her hair and kissing her face. I took my time caressing every inch of her smooth skin until I finally slipped my hand between her legs, finding her wet but not aroused as usual. After a few minutes of kissing and caressing, Valentina squirmed beneath me and my need called loudly, but I did not let it discourage me.
This was not about my desires. It was about my step toward redemption, about redeeming myself toward my wife in the only way I was capable at that moment. I undressed and molded our bodies together. I slid into Valentina slowly, watching her face carefully, enjoying the way her lips parted and she moaned.
I took her face in my hands, crossing their gazes before I began to move.
And this felt like a piece of my heart, which had been shattered by Carla’s death, molded together, as if I could finally let go of the past, step by step, and allow Valentina into my heart where she belonged.
She was a beautiful and kind woman, one I did not deserve, but I vowed to myself to be a better husband, a better man for her.
“I should have made love to you first,” I croaked, and my heart leapt realizing that was exactly it.
Making love. I was falling in love with Valentina. My body and heart were unable to resist her, and I had been fighting this futile battle for too long.