Dear A couple of weeks later, my family and I were beginning to settle in, and Talia was almost back to her usual self. I returned from my walk with Coco and Bandit in the vast premises of the Vitiello mansion and was on my way to the guest wing when words came to me from somewhere else in the house. I knew that voice. Every night I heard it in my dreams, most of which were nightmares. But he was not the cause of my fears, not anymore. So much had changed. I dropped the leashes and started running toward that voice. I did not stop until I saw him in the living room. I braked abruptly, my heart pounding in my throat. And there he was, dark, tall and bruised. One of his eyes was swollen shut and several cuts and other bruises covered his skin. I could not move. The dogs did not share my hesitation. They had followed me, dragging their leashes behind.
themselves. They lunged forward, barking and wagging their tails .
Luca, Romero and Matteo gasped and pulled out their guns. But Coco and Bandit did not attack. They squeezed against Growl’s legs and he leaned down to stroke his head, but his eyes landed on me, piercing me deep inside.
D ue weeks since we had last seen each other. Where had he been? Why had he not given me a sign that he was alive?
I had mourned his death, made plans for a future without him, but now that he was here I wondered if we had a future together. We had never talked about it. I had been his, not by choice, and now that I was free I wondered if we could make it work. Did I really want to live with the man who had practically owned me? Did he still want me now that I was no longer a mere gift? So many questions ran through my head and left me staggering.
I searched his eyes and realized that just for a moment before Growl could put his shields back up, I had seen my own questions reflected there.
“You’re alive,” I said simply.
He did not approach. “I’m hard to kill.”
I noticed Aria in the corner, watching us.
Luca broke the tense silence. “Is it done?”
Growl finally looked away from me. “I killed many of Falcone’s closest men. There is a lot of fighting going on now in Las Vegas. His sons and Cosimo are fighting for power. That will keep them busy for a while.”
Luca seemed satisfied with that. Business. It was all about business. Was that why they had gotten Growl?
Because Growl had important information about the Las Vegas Camorra?
I wanted to run toward Growl, but he didn’t seem to want to. Confusion filled me. I needed fresh air. I needed to think. I turned and ran outside. I stopped when I reached a bench and let myself fall.
Aria joined me a few moments later. “You love him.
Why don’t you show him?”
“Because he doesn’t love me. He can’t. This thing between us has no future.”
I was not naive enough to believe that Growl would change. If we had stayed in New York and he had been allowed to work for Luca, there was only one job he could have done. He would have become one of Luca’s assassins. Too many things had broken in Growl when he had watched his mother die and when he had almost bled to death. I wanted to fix him but I wasn’t sure I could ever get all the broken pieces back.
Some of them might have been lost forever.
“Why? If you love him, there is a way.”
“It’s not… good.”
Aria laughed softly. “Luke is not good either, but I love him with all my heart. You just have to allow yourself to love his good parts.”
I loved his good parts and I loved his bad parts; I loved him more than I should have.
He had stolen my freedom, my life. And somehow along the way, without my realizing it, he had also stolen my heart.
“He loves you. I don’t know exactly what Luca and Growl talked about when they met for the first time yesterday, but I have a feeling that the only reason Luca trusts Growl is because he realized that Growl loves you. And Luca knows what love can do to a person.” He paused. “Your sister said your mother doesn’t approve. But don’t let that stop you if you really love him.
Even my sister Gianna didn’t like Luca very much at first.”
I nodded to show her that I had listened, but I couldn’t say anything.
Growl Growl was pacing back and forth in the hallway across from Cara’s room.
He wasn’t sure why he was waiting for her to show up. What was there left to talk about?
The moment she had left for New York without him, he had known it was the end for them. The realization had been like a punch in the stomach, the realization that she would not stay with him, a monster. No one was going to do that.
She seemed to enjoy his company at the end, appreciated his closeness and his touch, but he had no illusions. Her affection for him had been born of necessity. She had had no choice.
She could not get away from him. But now everything had changed. In New York, Cara would be free to do what she wanted. No one was stopping her. Growl knew Luca well enough to know that the man would not support him in keeping Cara. And although it had taken Growl a while to realize this, he did not want to have Cara as his possession. He wanted her to want to be with him. He knew that ridiculous idea meant he would lose her altogether. She would live her life without him. She would find a new guy, a good guy, someone who did not cause her so many nightmares.
It was hard for him to understand emotions, although that would never change. But her expression at that moment had made it clear even to him that she did not want him. Perhaps she had pretended to tolerate him for his sake and because she wanted him to help her avenge her father and kill Falcone. He could not really blame her.
He often wished he never had it in the first place because it was easier to live without something you never had, because you didn’t know what you were missing, but once you had something it was hard to give it up.
Growl had gotten used to Cara’s presence. He had always considered himself a loner. He had thought he didn’t want other people around him. He liked being alone, with only his dogs as his presence. His life had been his alone. It had been eventless and driven by habits, but it had been safe. Now that he had experienced living with someone, living with Cara, he had a hard time imagining being alone again.
She would manage. He always had. He would work twice as hard and hard, put all his energy into making Luca trust and value him. He would make a name for himself here in New York and eventually forget about Cara and go back to the life he had before.
And then Cara turned the corner and realized that he was fooling himself if he thought he could ever forget her.
Cara I froze when I saw Growl standing in front of my room.
Bandit and Coco lay curled up at his feet as if they had been waiting for a while.
I approached slowly, trying to keep my emotions in check. Coco wagged her tail when I stopped in front of Growl.
Growl stuffed his hands in his pockets but his body was taut as a bow. “There is no reason for you to stay with me. You are free now. Even if I could force you to stay with me, I wouldn’t. You are free to choose your own life.”
The words I longed to hear from the moment Falcone had given me to Grow suddenly hurt. “Then what are you saying? That you would prefer if I left you?” Although breaking up with him required that we had been a couple from the beginning .
“That’s the last thing I want,” he said fiercely. He put out his hands, restless, almost as if he wanted to grab me and reason with me, but he didn’t touch me.
“Then what do you want?” I retorted, growing more and more frustrated. Perhaps I should have simply accepted Growl’s words and left.
My mother would have preferred that, and it would have been the right choice morally, if I had been honest with myself.
Growl had monstrous parts, and that was not going to change.
Years of abuse had imprinted them on him, and if I had chosen to stay with him, I would have had to live with that fact. Perhaps in New York, Luke would have found better ways to channel Growl’s talents into less horrific tasks, but I was under no illusion that killing would not still be an important part of Growl’s life. It was something I would have to accept. Being with someone just because you hoped to change that person was a doomed endeavor.
Growl’s eyes flickered with emotion, too much and more than I had ever seen. “I want to,” he began, then stopped and growled. He shook his head and turned it away, so I stood staring at his profile.
“You once told me I had to be brave. Who isn’t now?” I challenged him.
Growl turned sharply toward me, grabbed me by the shoulders and pushed me against the wall. “I want you. I want you to be with me because you want to stay. I want you to want me.”
I exhaled. “I do.”
Growl let me go. “Do what?”
“I want you. I want to be with you.”
Growl stared at me. “I … I think.” He ran a hand over his face . “I’m not good with words. You know that.”
“But you could be. Maybe you just have to try,” I said softly.
His eyes filled with resolve. “It doesn’t scare me much anymore,” he grumbled. “But this, between us, does. My emotions scare me.”
“But why?”
“I stopped hoping for something good a long time ago.
It made things easier. Nothing could hurt me. Pain is nothing. People’s insults meant nothing. I didn’t care about anything. There was nothing to be afraid of. But when I caught you, I suddenly realized what kind of life I had led. How little everything meant. And as I fought Falcone’s men, I realized how much I enjoyed being with you, having someone to talk to, sharing meals with you, walking Coco and Bandit with you, and even sharing a bed with you. I never thought I could like that kind of thing, never thought I would need something like that, but now…” He interrupted himself , the uncertainty returned. “Now I’m scared shitless of losing this, of losing you. I didn’t know I needed you, but now I can’t imagine being without you. I-I love you, Cara.”
I let out a shuddering breath. I never expected those words from Growl. Not even close. I touched his heart and cheek. “And I love you, Growl.”
Aria was right. I had to make a choice. And I chose love. Mother would eventually accept it. After all, she had once given up everything to follow love.
“Ryan,” she growled. The name sounded wrong on her lips, as if they were no longer used to forming those letters.
“Ryan?”
“That’s my real name.”
“Oh,” I whispered, overwhelmed by the situation.
“It’s a beautiful name.”
He smiled hesitantly. It still surprised me how he changed his nervous face. He leaned over and kissed me, then pulled back a few inches.
“I want New York to be a new beginning for me and for you, if you want it too. And I want to be known as Ryan in this new life.”
“And I want a new beginning with you, Ryan,” I said.
He wrapped his arms around me and squeezed me tightly.
“I don’t deserve you,” he murmured against my hair.
“Yet. But I will.”