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Dear My fingers trembled at the prospect of news about my mother and sister. “Okay. I’ll eat the pizza. Just tell me what you know.”
“What kind?”
I let out an exasperated sigh, but I couldn’t lose him again or he might decide not to tell me anything. “Tuna and onions, I guess.”
Growl picked up the phone and ordered pizza for six. More than an hour remained.
He must have seen the dismay in my expression because he said, “Coco and Bandit need a walk. If you come with me, I’ll tell you everything I know.”
I nodded enthusiastically, and since the only pair of shoes Growl had brought in my backpack were my running shoes, I was equipped to perfection. The moment we stepped outside, I realized how trapped I had felt in that house. Growl didn’t bother to put his dogs on leashes. They began sniffing the local shrubs as Growl and I walked side by side. I felt strange. I had been with him for almost twenty-four hours and so far he had behaved much more courteously to me than I had expected . But I had a feeling that it depended more on the fact that I had confused him than on pity or mercy. “So what?” I began , when it became obvious that Growl was enjoying the quiet of the walk.
“Falcone seems satisfied with the punishment he has inflicted on your family so far. With your father dead and you with me, he sees no need to punish your mother and sister at the moment.”
“So my mother and sister are okay?” I asked relieved.
“For now,” Growl said in a practical tone.
“Where are they?”
“Your mother is in your old house. I don’t know where your sister is yet.”
“What do you mean you’re not sure? What has happened to her? How can you be sure that Falcone didn’t hurt her if you don’t know the details? What if he gave her to someone as a gift?”
As he had done to me, I added in my mind. I wanted to be there to protect her. It was my job to do so.
“Falcone has not been very forthcoming with information today. After your father’s betrayal he is even more cautious. But he has some kind of plan and it seems to require that your sister and mother be well.”
“But…”
“No,” Growl said firmly. “That’s enough. I’ve told you what I know.” His eyebrows came together and he shook his head, more to himself than to me. I was still amazed at how tall he was, towering with his head over me. My eyes followed his muscular arms, tattooed from his wrist as far as I could see. Especially the skull and snake showing teeth gave me chills. I wondered how much more of his body was covered like that.
“We should keep going or we’ll miss the pizza,” Growl said. My eyes snapped up to his face. How long had I been staring at him again?
His jaw was clenched, his eyes filled with a fire that made me nervous.
I approached him quickly, and he came to my side shortly after. We spoke no more.
Growl Growl staggered across the yard toward his fitness area.
He needed to let off steam and his workout was due anyway.
Something was wrong with him. He had Cara in the house. He was allowed to do what he wanted with her, and what had he done so far? Nothing. Something about her made him unable to grab her and do what he wanted with her.
He had never forced a woman to sleep with him. Maybe that was it. He liked it when they hit him, when they bit and scratched and sometimes even screamed, but not because they didn’t want to, but because they wanted to. He had no problem hurting people, hurting women, but this was different. That was his job. And he liked it. There was no denying that. But sex was something else. He didn’t want to force a woman. He wanted the woman to desire him.
Of course, many of the prostitutes he had had in the past probably didn’t really desire it, but they had done it by choice because they wanted the money. He could live with that . And Lola, she definitely loved him more than his other clients.
He sighed and leaned more weight on the barbell. With a grunt, he lifted it.
The worst thing was the way Cara had looked at him that day. She liked the sight of his muscles. He was pretty sure she was attracted to him on a basic level.
She hated him, too, and that was stronger than any desire she may or may not have felt for him.
Fuck, he wanted her. The door squeaked and Cara stepped out onto the porch. When she saw him do his workout, her eyes widened a little, then ran the length of him before she recovered and looked away.
Growl groaned inwardly.
He was not one for games. Or to analyze the subtleties of a woman’s behavior. This was giving him a fucking headache.
His gaze landed on the porch table. “Did you bolt it to the ground so I couldn’t use it to climb over the fence?”
How did she come up with that kind of logic? “No,” he said, placing the barbell back in the stand. “I didn’t know you were going to live with me. Did you want to use it to climb over the fence?”
He suspected that she might try to escape. He also knew she would not succeed.
“Why are there no tables or chairs in your kitchen?”
he asked. “And why are there no books?”
Why, why, why. Why did she always have to ask questions?
Growl stood up from the bench and stretched his arms.
Again. That look. Fuck it. He crossed the distance between them and pressed her against the wall. Her squeal of surprise was silenced by his mouth. He plunged his tongue into her mouth, savoring her fucking sweet taste.
And she pressed herself against him. Fuck. She was attracted to him. He knew it. He kissed her harder and put his hand under her skirt, pressing his palm against her crotch. Even through her panties and pantyhose he could feel the heat radiating from her pussy. He pressed a finger between her folds, rubbing her through the fabric. And she moaned into his mouth. Her wetness was beginning to soak through her stockings, and Growl’s cock came to life. Fuck. He wanted to take her right there on the porch until she screamed his name.
His palms began to push against her chest, and she tore her mouth from his lips. “Stop it!” she gasped, then firmer. “Stop it!” She pushed him hard, and he relented, stepping back and dropping his hand from her pussy.
Her eyes were stunned. He looked at his cock straining against his pants, then at the nearby houses, and blushed an even darker red. She turned sharply and staggered into the house.
Growl let her, even though it was one of the hardest things he had ever done. He stared at her bulge. Cara’s body responded, only her fucking mind was still screwing it up. Growl knew now that she was wet for him; there was no way he could keep his hands off her. He wanted to taste her, wanted his body to override his mind.
Darling, I didn’t stop running until I closed the door to my room behind me. What had I done? What had I let Growl do?
God. My heart was throbbing wildly in my chest. I could hear the thud, a thud even between my legs. I covered my eyes with my hand and took a deep, trembling breath. I had never felt so shocked before. But being guided by instinct, my mind had been blissfully silent.
I had wanted to feel his fingers so desperately, even through the fabric the touch had inflamed me. Why was my body doing this to me? He hated Growl and yet my body reacted to him. He was not a pretty boy for display. He was nervous , dark and scarred.
And my body wanted him for that.
I shuddered, dropped my hand and staggered back to my bed where I let myself fall.
Even being next to Growl made me feel like I was falling.
Part of me wanted to go back to the yard and let Growl finish what he had started. I might have regretted my actions later, maybe I might have even convinced myself to blame Growl for everything. Maybe it was some kind of Stockholm syndrome?
Was it also working for sexual attraction? I burst out laughing. I was losing my mind.
The throbbing between my legs still hadn’t stopped. If possible, it had even gotten worse. I put my hand on my lower abdomen, then stopped. It wasn’t right. Even fantasizing about someone like Growl was wrong, and touching myself while doing so? Definitely a sin.
My mother would never forgive me.
I closed my fisted hand over my stomach. I was going to be strong. I was not going to let my body dictate my actions. I was better than that.
The next two mornings I did not want to face Growl and waited until I heard him leave the house before I left my room. I couldn’t hide forever, but my embarrassment was still too fresh. At least, he did not seek my company.
As usual, I checked every door and window first and found them locked. The dogs lay in their beds, wagging their tails unenthusiastically when I passed. I thought about petting them, but didn’t dare without Growl nearby. Which was kind of funny, considering that not long before I had considered him the most dangerous thing in my life. And it probably still was. I headed to my usual spot on the couch and gasped at the sight of six books neatly stacked on the living room table. I didn’t know any of the authors, but it was a mix of novels and thrillers. I sat down on the couch, stunned by Growl’s consideration. I was more confused than ever. Why was he treating me with respect? I took the book on top and began to read, trying to immerse myself in another world and silence my thoughts.
When he returned in the evening, he brought the pizza again and placed it on the living room table next to my new books. My face burned with shame when his gaze finally landed on me. However, he did not seem at all touched by my obvious embarrassment at our last meeting.
“Thank you for the books,” I said.
He nodded and settled down on the couch. He opened the pizza box and took a piece. The spicy smell reached me and reminded me that I had not eaten since morning. Growl had stocked the kitchen with more essentials since I had moved in.
“Did you find out more about my sister?” I asked.
A couple of times I caught myself staring at her long fingers and remembering how it had felt to have them on my body.
I had to stop this madness. Focus on something else , I told myself, and eventually I settled on her scar. My eyes traced the angry red line around her throat. It was jagged as if they had used a serrated knife. How could anyone survive something like that? It seemed impossible. I could not imagine what it must have felt like to have your blood drained . I shuddered. There were so many rumors about how it had happened, and even more about how he had survived. I suspected that many of these were the foundations upon which Growl’s infamous reputation had been built. Why was he alive? Such a wound, a slit throat, almost always meant death. Why had someone like him, someone who did not deserve to live, survived, while others died for less? It seemed unfair and cruel. Perhaps I was stupid to expect life to be fair, to give everyone what they deserved.
I looked away, afraid he would notice and get angry. But he had probably gotten used to being stared at by now.
Everywhere he went, people looked at him with awe and fear. I doubted he liked the attention, so different from his boss.
I had seen the pride and joy on Falcone’s face whenever people turned away from his most feared killer.
“Eat,” Growl croaked.
I gasped and again my eyes found his throat. This was my chance to get answers, to find out if there was a grain of truth in the rumors my friends and I had whispered to each other in low voices. My chance to understand the man in front of me and how to influence him. Yet I wasn’t sure I wanted to find out more about him. People fear what they don’t know, this was a quote I knew to be true, but I had a feeling that not knowing was a blessing when it came to the man in front of me. With each layer I peeled back, more horrors would be exposed.
“Ask or stop looking,” he said. He did not seem angry. I gave him a glare of lightning. I wanted to ask and at the same time I didn’t.
Not when he almost ordered me to, but then my curiosity won out. “What happened to you?”
Growl stuffed another piece of pizza into his mouth and chewed slowly. He swallowed, then looked at me.
“Someone wanted me dead, slit my throat,” he replied, his eyes blank. “But I survived.”
I stared at him. That was not an answer, at least not one that allowed me to find out more about Growl. It was generic and emotionless, but it showed me something. That I had found a topic Growl was uncomfortable with.
He nodded toward my untouched pizza. “Either you eat it or I feed it to the dogs.”
I was too hungry to give the pizza to the dogs out of spite, so I started eating.
Later, Growl came out again to practice and I decided to hide in my room. I didn’t want to risk something like last time. But I couldn’t hold back for long and peeked out the window into the courtyard. Growl was covered in sweat as he pushed two huge dumbbells over his head, his face contracted with tension.
I let out a breath and quickly slipped into bed. If I looked at him any longer, I just wanted to touch myself again.