I almost fell forward in my chair. “What?” I said without thinking. He was joking. Ramona was only a year older than me. She could have been Dad’s daughter. She had gone to school with me, for goodness sake!
I peered at Fabiano again, wishing he would tell me it was a joke, but his grimace was the answer I needed.
It was disgusting. Was this some kind of midlife crisis on Dad’s part? I couldn’t even begin to understand how he could have chosen someone who could be his daughter.
“In turn,” Dad continued calmly. “You will marry her father Benito Brasci.”
And that’s when my world shattered.
I could see it right before my eyes. All the images of a future with Romero, of happiness and smiles, of sweet kisses and endless nights of sex shattered into little pieces, and were replaced by something horrible and dark.
Something that people whispered softly about because they feared that the horrors might become reality if they talked too loudly about it. Not even in my darkest nightmare did I ever imagine that my father would marry me off to an old man like Benito Brasci. I didn’t remember much about him, but I didn’t need to. Everything in this situation was wrong.
I tried to speak but I was mute. I wondered when the first tears would fall. At that moment, I still felt too numb.
“You are condemning Lily to a life of misery,” Fabiano said the words I could only think. He looked so … old. Like he had become a man at a time when I wasn’t looking at him. I wanted to give him a grateful smile but my face was frozen, everything about me was. Was this really happening?
I had still kissed Romero that morning and now I was supposed to marry Brasci.
“I am making reasonable decisions. You don’t understand it yet, but you will.”
“No. I would never do such a thing.”
“You’ll do worse, believe me, son.” He sighed. “We all have to make sacrifices. That’s life.”
What kind of sacrifice was marrying a young woman who could have been his daughter? I should have made the sacrifice myself.
I couldn’t stop wondering when the tears would come , but there wasn’t even the typical tingling yet. There was nothing. I was nothing. I tried again to conjure up an image of Benito Brasci, but I couldn’t. It didn’t matter.
He was not Romero.
“You will meet him tomorrow. He and Ramona are coming for dinner.”
Maybe it would have been funny if it wasn’t so awful.
“Okay,” I said simply. I sounded composed. Fabiano frowned at me, my father looked immensely pleased. I got up from my chair and crossed the room toward the door. “I’m going to bed. I’ve had a long day.”
“Won’t you join us for dinner?” my father asked, but he didn’t seem to care.
“I’m not hungry,” I said calmly.
“Then sleep well. Tomorrow is an exciting day for both of us.”
My hand on the door handle paused for a moment. A flicker of something, perhaps anger, took hold of my body, but then it disappeared and I found myself numb again.
One foot in front of the other. One foot in front of the other . The mantra filled my head as I climbed the stairs. Footsteps thundered behind me and then Fabiano was beside me. He grabbed my arm. He was now as tall as I was.
He had grown so tall. These thoughts replayed in my mind. Perhaps my brain had been broken by the shock, or it had shut down because the reality of the situation was too much to bear.
“What the fuck is wrong with you, Lily?” he growled.
His voice was not yet manly, but neither was it boyish.
“Wrong?” I asked.
“Yes, wrong,” muttered Fabiano. He let go of me and I rubbed my arm. It was strong.
Was there something wrong with me? Maybe that was the problem. I had done many things wrong in the past. I had slept with Romero, even though we were not married. Maybe it was a punishment for my sins. The pastor of our church probably would have said.
“Why don’t you get worked up? Why did you simply say okay? Do you realize what you accepted?”
I was not aware that I had accepted anything. How could I, since no one had ever asked my opinion?
“Because there is nothing I can do.”
“Bullshit,” Fabi said, tapping his foot. Maybe he’s not as grown up as I thought.
I almost smiled, if my face was able to move. “When did you start swearing so much?”
“All made men do.”
“But you’re not one of them yet.”
“But soon.”
I nodded. This was what I feared. Father seemed eager to ruin both our lives.
“And that doesn’t even matter now. You can’t just accept this marriage. You have to do something.”
“What? What can I do?” I asked with a hint of anger.
That brief burst of emotion startled me because I preferred numbness.
“Something,” Fabiano said softly, his brown eyes pleading with me. “Anything. Just don’t accept it.”
“Then tell me what I can do. You are the future Made Man. Tell me.”
Fabiano looked away, a guilty expression on his face.
I touched his shoulder. “There’s nothing either of us can do.”
“You could run away like Gianna,” Fabi exclaimed.
“She has been captured.”
“But you wouldn’t.”
“I would. I was nothing like Gianna. I wouldn’t have lasted even a month, probably not even a week. I was not a rebel. I didn’t even want to leave this life behind. There was no way I was going to survive alone for long.
But maybe I wasn’t supposed to be alone. Romero could have come with me. He knew how to escape the pursuers. Together we could do it.
“You’re thinking about it, aren’t you?” Fabi asked with a boyish smile.
“Remember where your loyalties lie,” I whispered.
“This is treason. If Father finds out, you will be punished severely.”
“I’m not an honorable man yet.”
“But at least, you said so yourself. They will judge you as they would an honorable man, and that would mean death.”
“Papa needs an heir,” Fabi said.
“Father will soon have a young bride who can give him lots of children. Maybe he won’t need you after all.”
Fabi made a choking sound. “It’s like he’s marrying you. He’s sick.”
I could not deny it. “Benito Brasci is older than Dad, isn’t he?”
“I don’t know. He looks ancient.”
“I should go to my room,” I said distractedly. I needed to talk to Romero. Fabi did not stop me as I climbed the remaining steps and headed for my room.
When the door closed behind me, for a moment I feared I had burst into tears, but the cap that held my emotions in held.
I pulled my cell phone out of the bottom of my travel bag and dialed Romero’s number. My hands were shaking and when Romero did not answer after the first two rings as he usually did , I felt panic slip through the cracks of my stupor. He didn’t know I would call, but I couldn’t help but worry that something had happened to him. Or that he had found out about my engagement to Basci and wanted nothing to do with me. What if Luca had known all along? It was possible that Father had told him over the phone and Luca had not mentioned it because he knew Aria and Gianna would make a scene.
I was directed to the answering machine and quickly hung up. I had not even put the phone away when Romero’s name flashed on the screen. Taking a deep breath, I answered.
“Lily, are you okay? I was in a meeting and had the phone on silent mode.”
I slumped against the wall at the sound of Romero’s voice. It calmed me down but at the same time made me realize what I could lose if I had to marry Basci. “Dad chose a husband for me,” I finally said. It sounded like I was talking about the weather, completely detached.
Silence followed on the other side. I couldn’t even hear breathing. I didn’t dare say anything, even though I was bursting with fear and anxiety.
“Who is it?” asked Romero in a low voice. I wished I could have seen his face to understand his emotions.
He looked as impassive as I did.
“Benito Basci. You probably don’t know him, but–” Romero interrupted me. “I do know him. I met him during a meeting last year.”
“Oh,” I said, then waited but again Romero was silent.
Why was he so quiet? Did he not care that I would marry another man? Maybe this had always been a distraction for him. Maybe it had never occurred to him that we would have more than…. what? An affair? I felt dirty just thinking about it . “It’s much bigger than me.”
“I know.”
Of course Romero knew, but I wasn’t sure what else to say.
“I thought,” I said hesitantly. “I thought we could .”
I didn’t dare utter the words.
“You thought we could what?”
I closed my eyes. “I thought we could run away together.” I shuddered as the words came out of my mouth.
Could I have sounded more pathetic and naive?
“That would mean a war between the Outfit and New York.”
He said it in a practical way, as if it had absolutely nothing to do with him. I hadn’t thought about it, but of course that would be the first thing that would go through Romero’s mind . The Family always came first.
I had been stupid. My mother had always warned me that men would promise you the world if they wanted something from you. Romero had been kind and loving, and I had given him everything in return. My body, my heart, every little thing I could give. I had given it to him willingly, and I didn’t want to feel regret for a single thing, but it was hard.
I bit my lip, suddenly on the verge of tears. I could feel the floodgates opening. It wasn’t going to take long. “You’re right,” I croaked. “I–” I choked and hung up quickly. Then I hid the phone in my travel bag again and curled up on the bed, letting the sobs tear through my body until my muscles ached, until my throat ached, until everything ached, but nothing as much as my heart. Was this it? The end of every dream I had ever had?