GIANNA The next morning, after I had showered and dressed, I enjoyed my newfound freedom, even if it was small. Matthew had kept his promise and hid the ankle monitor in a drawer. I didn’t have to wear the stupid thing, at least for now. I doubted that Matteo would keep his promise if I tried to run again.
We had both lost our bets and yet we both felt like winners. Life with Matteo was an enigma. He was already leaning against the kitchen counter and drinking coffee when I came out of the bedroom. His smile was so smug that I had a hard time stopping myself from wringing his neck. I took a cup for myself, then leaned across from him. “Do you ever feel regret or guilt?”
Matthew’s eyebrows rose on his forehead. “Regret?”
“Yes, you know that feeling normal people get when they’ve done something wrong?” I took a sip. I wasn’t even sure why I was asking, except to wipe that annoying smugness off Matteo’s face.
For a long time Matteo just looked at me until I could take no more and pretended that my coffee was really interesting. Why did I suddenly feel guilty for asking that question?
“There is little time for guilt and remorse in my life,” Matteo said. His voice was calm and humorless; I couldn’t help but look up, trying to gauge his mood, but as usual he was making it difficult for me.
“So you hear from him sometimes?”
“From time to time. But I learned a long time ago that it’s not smart to dwell on the past. I prefer to focus on the future.” With that said, his usual charm rekindled.
He walked over to me, placed his cup on the counter and laced his arms beside me. “Do you ever regret running?”
I opened my mouth to say “no,” but for some reason I hesitated. That moment of hesitation was all the answer Matthew needed.
“Why?”
“Because he killed someone,” I said quietly. I had managed to forget Sid and his horrible end, but now it was all coming back. I could have kicked Matteo for bringing back the memory. Especially since I had come to understand that the life I had escaped from was not as horrible as I wanted it to be.
Matteo’s expression said he didn’t give a shit , and that was pretty much what I expected. “I can tell you without a doubt that I don’t feel guilty about that boy’s death,” he murmured. He ran a hand down my side. ” I would have killed any boy who touched you. But we both know I don’t have to because despite so many opportunities you were a good girl.
The way he said “good girl” made my blood boil. I was still trying to come up with an intelligent answer when the ‘elevator rang, announcing a visitor. Matteo gave me a kiss on the tip of my nose with an expression of superiority before staggering off toward the elevator. I could not believe him.
I was still looking over his shoulder when the elevator doors opened and Aria entered the apartment. She was talking on the phone. To my surprise Matteo entered the elevator , leaving us alone. I suspected he could lock the ‘elevator from the outside, so I couldn’t leave unless I jumped out the window and ended up as a splash of blood on the sidewalk below.
“Who are you talking to?” I asked as Aria walked toward me.
She gave me a beaming smile and held out the phone . “Lily and Fabi want to talk to you but Dad forbids them to call you, so…” He interrupted. Of course I suspected something like that. My father had made it clear that he didn’t want me with them anymore.
“Thank you,” I said to Aria before taking the phone from her and pressing it against my ear. “Lily?” My voice was shaky and I had to clear my throat.
“Oh, Gianna! I was so sad when Father wouldn’t let me say goodbye to you. I begged him to let me talk to you, but he got really mad and now I’m grounded.
Grounded always seemed like a strange term for our punishment. We had never been allowed to go anywhere on our own anyway, so being grounded just meant we had to stay in the house even longer.
“I’m sorry,” I said, trying to hold back my anger for our father. Lily still had to live under his rule. She didn’t need to get into trouble because of me. I headed for the living area and let myself fall onto the couch. Aria perched on the edge beside me. “How’s school going?” I asked.
“Boring. But it’s even worse at home. Since you and Aria left, nothing fun happens anymore,” Lily murmured. My heart ached for her. I always had Lily, and for a long time Aria, but Lily would have to survive for years without that kind of support. Of course she still had Fabi, but he was a boy and would soon face very different challenges.
“What about Fabi?”
“He’s a pain in the ass,” Lily said. In the background I could hear my brother say something. “You are !” retorted Lily. “Oh shut up. It’s my turn now. You can talk to her later.” There was the sound of a struggle and then there was Fabi’s voice in my ear. “Gianna!”
“Shhh, stupid,” Lily hissed, obviously picking up the phone again. “No one can know we are talking to her.”
For a moment there was silence, as if they were both listening for sounds, then Lily spoke again. “Is Romero there with you?”
I laughed. “Is that why you’re calling? I thought you wanted to see how I was,” I said in a mock-hurt voice.
“Of course I want to know how you are.”
“I’m fine.” There was a pause. Deciding to stop torturing her, I added. “And Romero is not here.” I looked at Aria and she whispered “upstairs.” “He’s at Aria’s house, discussing important mob business with our husbands.”
Sarcasm dripped from the words. “Do you want me to go upstairs and ask him to talk to you?”
“NO!” blurted Lily. “He’ll think I’m in love with him.”
“Isn’t he?”
Silence. Poor Lily, I didn’t have the courage to tell her that there was no chance in hell my father would allow an alliance between my sister and a simple soldier, especially one from New York. Love was simply not something that mattered.
“How do I know if I’m in love?” Lily whispered after a while.
Yes How? I was not in love with Sid or anyone else. I wasn’t in love with Matthew.
Right?
“I don’t know,” I admitted.
“You’re not in love with Matteo?”
“Why do you think I was? I ran away, remember?”
“But you’re married now.”
“Marriage does not equal love.”
“He did it for Aria,” Lily said. My eyes shifted to Aria, who was frowning at me.
“You’re right. Maybe you should ask her then.” Before Lily could say another word, I handed the phone to Aria.
“Lily wants to know how it feels to be in love.”
Aria took the phone from me, her blue eyes full of concern. She listened to Lily for a moment before saying:
“It’s hard to put it into words. Love is when you feel safe in someone’s arms, when it’s the first thing you want to see in the morning, love is surrendering. You risk getting hurt but you don’t care. You are willing to give someone the power to break your heart. Love means seeing someone at their worst and still seeing the good in them, love means someone is perfect for you despite their imperfections. She fell silent, her gaze distant.
There was no need to ask; I knew who she was thinking of. I swallowed hard. I could never have said what Aria had just said. Involuntarily the image of Matthew’s arrogant smile flashed in my mind . I had certainly seen it in its worst form the day he had tortured the Russians.
“But how do I know if I’m in love?” I heard Lily’s moan through the phone.
Yes How?
“It’s a gradual process. I’m not sure when exactly I started to love Luca. For a long time I thought I hated him.”
I stood up, suddenly restless. This was not a subject I was comfortable with. It made my chest feel tight, made me panic in a strange way. I ran to the kitchen and made myself another cup of coffee. After a couple of sips, I returned to Aria who gave me a questioning look. I raised my cup as an explanation. “Here,” she said, handing the phone back to me.
“So what else is new?” I asked lightly.
I could practically hear Lily roll her eyes. “Are you coming to our Christmas party?”
I opened my mouth to say yes, because I had always been there, then realized that I was probably no longer wanted. “I don’t know. Things are difficult right now.”
“You mean Dad doesn’t want you to come.”
“The only reason I want to come is you and Fabi. I don’t care about anyone else. And maybe you and Fabi could come and visit New York in the New Year.
Lily remained silent. “Dad said he will never let us go to New York again after what you did.”
This should not have shocked me so much, I supposed. Of course he wasn’t going to let Lily out of his sight. He couldn’t risk another one of his daughters becoming a slut. “We will find a solution. I’ll ask Matteo if we’re going to Chicago.
Facing my father again was the last thing I wanted to do.
As much as I cared, I would never set foot in Chicago again , but the idea of never seeing Fabi and Lily again was even worse.
“Promise?”
“I promise,” I said. “Now give me Fabi before Dad realizes you are talking to me and not Aria.”
“Hello,” said Fabi’s voice.
“I bet you’ve grown another two inches since the last time I saw you.”
“When I grow up I’ll be at least 6 feet tall,” she said proudly.
“At least 6 feet 4. You’ll probably be taller than Luke.
“That would be great. I could kick everyone’s ass.
Everyone would have to be nice to me and respect me.”
I smiled wistfully. Soon people would do that anyway. The nice guy would be replaced by a ruthless killer.
“That would be nice,” I agreed. “So do you have any new knives?”
Fabi had a large collection of knives. A larger collection of knives than a ten-year-old boy should have. Of course, my father supported my brother’s passion for guns.
“No,” Fabi said, sullenly. “Dad is angry with me.”
“Because of me?”
Fabi said nothing at first, but I knew he was shrugging in that cute way of his. “I don’t like the way he yelled at you.”
“I don’t like it either, but you have to try not to upset Dad too often, Fabi. I don’t want you to be punished.” Now that I was no longer available as Dad’s favorite punching bag, I feared Fabi would have to bear the brunt of his anger.
“All right,” he said. “I miss you.”
“I miss you too.”
We hung up and I handed the phone back to Aria.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
I nodded without much conviction. “The party is next weekend, right?”
“Yes.”
“I guess I’m not invited?”
Aria grimaced. “Luca and I aren’t sure if we should go either.”
“Why?”
“Things are really bad right now. Luca has enough problems in New York. And besides that he doesn’t want to deal with Dante Cavallaro or Dad.
“Fabi and Lily will be really sad if you don’t come to visit.”
“I know,” Aria said with a sigh, leaning back. “That’s what I told Luca. I also suggested that I could fly alone with Romero, so Luca could take care of business here.
“Let me guess. He hated that idea.
Aria laughed. “Yes. He doesn’t trust the Organization and won’t let me go there without him.
“I have to agree with him. I wish we could go together though.”
“Maybe next year. Father can hardly stay mad at you forever.”
“Father will still be angry with me as he roasts in hell .”
*** As expected, I was not invited to my family’s Christmas party. Officially Dad could not have denied me entry as Matteo’s wife, but not only would it have been very embarrassing but Matteo did not want to risk bringing me back to Chicago so soon. That night, after my body had once again overcome my brain and succumbed to Matteo’s charms, I lay naked in his arms, his chest pressed against my back.
I was not sure why I always fell asleep with his arms around me, and worse, why I sometimes longed for his closeness even during the day. So far I had managed to resist at least this second idea.
“Will I ever see Fabi and Lily again?” I whispered into the silence.
Matteo’s arms around my waist tightened. “If they were part of Cosa Nostra Luca could do something, but your father just has to listen to Cavallaro.”
“I know,” I said almost angrily. I knew how things worked in our world. “But can’t we invite my family for some kind of meeting? My father wouldn’t turn down a direct invitation, right?”
Matthew pulled himself up and looked me in the face. “Your father would definitely follow the invitation, but he should not take your sister and brother with him.
Many men keep their families out of it for security reasons.”
I nodded.
Matthew watched me for a long time and began to make me feel naked in a very different way. I gave him a dirty look. “What?”
“Luca is very persuasive. Maybe he can ask your father to allow Liliana and Fabiano to visit them after Christmas. Your father could send his guards with them if he doesn’t trust us.”
“Why would Luca do that? He and Aria are still welcome in Chicago.
“If I ask Luca, he will do it.”
“And why should you ask him? Aren’t you in enough trouble already because of Bardoni and taking out my ankle monitor?
Matteo twisted a lock of my hair around his finger.
“I would do it for you. You are my wife and I want to make you happy. His smile was playful, yet what he had said seemed sincere.
My heart beat dangerously and a new panic set in . What was going on? The fear of my own emotions got the better of me. “If you really care about me and want to see me happy, let me go. All I ever wanted was freedom and a normal life.”
The moment the words left my mouth, I realized that I was not sure they were still the truth.
Matthew’s expression faded, something hard and cold settled in his eyes. He lay down and turned out the lights. I almost apologized and reached out to him.
His lips brushed my ear. “I guess that means I don’t care enough then. Why let you go? That’s the one thing I’ll never do.”
*** After that conversation, our interactions over the next few days were once again reduced to sex.
To my surprise, I missed our banter. I even missed Matteo’s silly cockiness and that annoying shark smile, but most of all I missed falling asleep with his fingers tracing the soft skin of my forearm.
The Christmas season was definitely turning into my own personal nightmare. Matteo and I were invited to three other parties, all of which were organized by high-ranking mobsters or businessmen with close ties to the Mafia. All too important to offend by not attending. I really hoped that Matteo would not kill any more hosts. The Bardoni debacle so far had been without consequence but I still wasn’t entirely sure it would remain so. At some point people would no doubt get suspicious. Now that I was no longer wearing the ankle monitor, Sandro was my shadow, and when Aria and I went somewhere together, Romero was always there too. It was ridiculous. Even without a technical device every aspect of my life was out of my control. Marital bliss, my ass.
I fixed an unruly lock that had fallen out of my hairstyle and brushed my hands over my new dress. With all the social events looming in my future, Aria and I had gone on another big shopping spree. I was beginning to feel like one of those trophy wives I had despised all my life. Shopping, social events, and warming her husband’s bed were their whole world, and mine too. I stared at my reflection.
I even looked like a trophy wife with my hair up in that elegant hairstyle and the gorgeous dark green cocktail dress that hugged my curves. Even my huge wedding ring and diamond necklace screamed “trophy wife.” It took all my self-control not to rip my dress off and cut my hair.
How could I become what I had hated for so long? And how could I agree?
“Aria and Luca are here,” Matteo shouted. “We have to move on.” This was more than he had said to me outside the bedroom since that night. With a sigh I turned away from the mirror and headed for the living room where Aria, Luca and Matteo were waiting. Matteo looked wonderful in a tight black suit, white shirt, and black tie. He was a cliche mobster, but he pulled it off with ease. The man always looked good. His eyes quickly examined my outfit and my body responded with a familiar shiver. I had read about looks that resembled sex, but I had always considered them urban legends. But Matteo had that goofy look.
I maintained an impassive expression as I walked toward them.
Aria was an apparition in her dark red dress and golden curls. In the past I had often felt as if I could never compete with her, but I had come to realize that I didn’t have to . Luca towered over my sister in a similar dress as Matteo, but it did nothing for me. I stopped beside Matteo, and his hand immediately went to my side. Had he noticed how possessive those small gestures were? In the past my first reaction would have been annoyance followed by rejection, but now it seemed almost natural. I wasn’t sure why this was so, why I adapted so easily to the life that had been carved out for me even before I was born. Some people would probably look for an explanation in fate or faith. I had never considered either option valid. I did not like the ‘idea that some larger external thing controlled who I was and how my life would develop.
“Hey where are you?” asked Matteo, squeezing my side slightly. I blinked, focusing on him. I didn’t even realize we had entered the elevator.
I shook my head. “Thinking of all the ways this night could end badly,” I lied.
“As long as Matteo keeps his knife in his holster and you keep your mouth under control, things should go smoothly,” Luca murmured, casting a glare at both Matteo and me.
“Tonight is important. Many of the businessmen present are under pressure from the Russians. I want to show strength and make a good impression. It would be even better if you can avoid offending the wives.
“Why me, what about Aria?”
“Aria knows how to behave. She is the perfect woman while you are anything but.
Aria touched Luca’s chest. “Be nice to my sister.”
“I’m not rude to everyone. Only people I don’t like,” I said bluntly.
“Who will all be at the party,” Matteo intervened. “They are unbearable, believe me.” We exchanged a smile, then, as if remembering our “kind of fight” from a few nights before, looked away. I could see Luke cast Aria one of those secret glances they always shared.
“Behave yourself,” Luca said. “Both of you. It’s as if God has sent me the two of you to test my patience.
Aria chuckled and lightly tapped Luca’s shoulder, but her eyes shone with adoration. Would I ever look at someone like that? I wasn’t sure I wanted to. She seemed to be baring her soul for all to see, and she didn’t even care.
Together we stepped out of the elevator and into the frigid garage. I shivered. I had not brought my coat with me because I only had to walk from the elevator to the car and then from the car to the party location, but now I regretted it.
After all, it was mid-December . One month since Matteo had caught me.
Sometimes it was hard to believe that so much time had already passed.
Matteo let me go, took off his jacket and put it over my shoulders. His warmth and scent enveloped me, and I caught myself taking a deep breath.
“Thank you,” I said almost embarrassed.
Luca had done the same with Aria despite the short walk to the car. Aria and I settled into the back of Matteo’s Porsche Cayenne while Luca and Matteo sat in the front. It seemed that the men were no longer worried that I might try to jump out of the car to escape. Perhaps they, too, had noticed how easily I had settled in.