Sadie took back the reins on the fourth day. She smiled at the obvious relief on my face. I confessed it all, the problems, the botched menus and the overall mismanagement. She walked around inspecting the kitchen as I explained the problems that still needed solving. She ended in front of me as I explained about the lettuce I had to throw out because I didn’t use it in time.
“Did anyone leave hungry?” Sadie asked calmly.
“Well no, but…” Sadie didn’t let me finish. She went up on toes and kissed my forehead.
“Thank you, David. You did wonderfully.” Sadie’s smile burst through my misgivings. I let out the breath I was holding and stopped the tirade of my failures.
“I’m glad you’re back,” I admitted as I handed her the keys. It felt really good to put the place back on her shoulders. She was even stronger than I had given her credit for. The kiss was a little disturbing. I could still feel the impression her soft lips left. I was happy when she sent me to reset the tables for the day. Back to simple, completable tasks.
Three days later the IRS invaded. A black-suited field agent with two similarly-suited accountants descended on Sadie’s books. It was a witch hunt. Normally, an auditor would look at significant transactions and a random sampling of others. These three did as I had done and checked every transaction and journal entry. Each, and every, bank statement for the last three years was scrutinized. The questions were insulting and bordered on acquisitions. My ire was already sky high when the audit came to a close.
“We will assemble our findings and you will be notified within two weeks of the results,” the head field agent said. His name was Terrence Douglas and sported an obvious toupee. I could see the frustration on his face. I suspected he wanted to find glaring problems.
“You don’t foresee any issues, do you?” I asked, thinking I already knew the answer.
“We will make a formal response only.” Terrence’s face was not friendly as he packed up his note pad and calculator. My anger was growing. The IRS was always a pain, but usually polite.
“You must have some idea,” I added with my hands on my hips. Terrence looked at me from head to toe, then at Sadie with more than a bit of disdain.
“I recommend you secure proper guidance.” Terrence closed his briefcase and started walking out. It was all I could do not to take a swing at the asshole. His words told me they intended to find problems. I couldn’t imagine it would get anywhere in the long run, but they were going to pull Sadie through the ringer.
“What are they going to do?” Sadie asked. I saw fear in her eyes.
“I’m not sure, but it won’t be good.” I didn’t have the heart to lie to her. “In the long run, nothing will come of it. I’m just not sure how long the long run is.” Sadie looked ill. She seemed to be taking it as a personal failure.
“We’ll get through this.” I thought the words would be comforting. Sadie found them shocking.
“We!” It was the first time I had heard Sadie raise her voice. “There is no ‘we.’ It’s me they are attacking. You’re just some guy who dropped out. You risk nothing and then walk away clean.” She raised a hand to shoo me away and returned to the kitchen. She returned to work, making sure not to look my way. It was time I left. I just didn’t know where to go.
I left as quietly as I could, unseen. Sadie was right, I could just walk away. I walked for the rest of the evening, my stomach churning with bile. I thought I saw friendship in Sadie, I thought I could help. I had done nothing but raise her hopes, only to watch them get flung from a bridge
That night was cold. The seasons were changing and I wasn’t ready. I huddled sleeplessly in a warehouse doorway, trying to avoid the wind. I closed my eyes and tried to see Amber, build her face in my mind. I saw only Sadie, hating me. I shivered with my knees tucked tightly to my chest. I wanted my wallet, keys and phone back. I wanted Amber and my life back. The shaking increased, memories of my first wet day under the bridge. The cement I was sitting on did me no favors. I nodded in and out.
“Move on.” I awoke shivering. Above me was a cop dressed warmly. Around me I could see the rotating reflections of red and blue lights. “Can’t loiter here; you have to move on.” He gave my boot a little kick. I had trouble rising, my chest was having trouble bringing in the cold air. I stumbled a little, trying to wake up my cramped legs. “Next time buy some warm clothes instead of booze.” He stood there making sure I was headed away. I heard a car door close; it sounded more hollow than it should. The rotating lights stopped and police car drove past me as I lumbered on.
The air tasted colder than it should. I realized my nose was nonfunctional and dripping mucus. My body had caught up with my soul — both feeling lousy. The cop was right, I needed warmer clothes. Maybe it was time I went home. I didn’t like the idea, not with all the memories, but I knew I wasn’t built for the streets. I was no Houser, not strong enough. I needed sleep. Then, I could do what was needed, whatever that was. I tried to cough, but my lungs argued about it and decided to remain clogged. At least the shaking had stopped.
I stumbled forward for blocks. Directions were muddled and I wasn’t sure if I was going the correct way. It was still dark and traffic was minimal. Houser would know what time it was. I laughed at that, me and my college degree easily shown up by an uneducated homeless man with bad teeth. My laughing didn’t sound right, way too throaty. A laughing frog came to mind which made me laugh more. I had to stop with my hands on my knees to catch my breath. It felt good to laugh, but I knew it was sapping my energy. I had to find a place to sleep. I found another entryway, wood this time. I curled up against the corner away from the wind. It was better than the cement. I closed my eyes and Sadie’s image formed in my mind. I was puzzled why it wasn’t Amber’s as I drifted off to sleep.
It was music that woke me. It entered as a dream on the cusp of my memory and then the dream faded away. I was late, late for dinner. I sat up too quickly and ended up in a small coughing fit. When my eyes focused, I was in an office I knew well. Sadie’s office. I could hear ‘Sugar Magnolia’ playing and the general din of food being served. It was muted by the closed door, but it was obvious it was 4:00. I was on a fold out cot with two thick blankets now bunched up on my lap.
I wasn’t sure how I ended up at the City Kitchen. I remembered finally finding the wooden entryway and trying to get some sleep. In hindsight, it seemed like an asinine decision to sleep outside last night. I should have gone to the bridge to see Houser, or to the shelter. I still wasn’t good at dealing with pain. I stood and coughed some more. My feet were steady, but my head felt like a brick. My nose was stuffed up and I could feel thickness in my eyes. I must have found my way back here. Sadie must be really pissed. I had to stop this stupid self-loathing homeless shit and get my life back.
The kitchen was in full swing. I was walking slowly with a foggy head. Trudy spotted me ambling toward the dining room and called out, “Sadie, Frank’s awake.” Sadie swung quickly around the corner, her green flowered skirt swaying with the momentum. Her long hair flowed just moments behind her, catching a small draft and flaring out for moment. I saw determination in her green eyes. I was ready for an earful so I preempted.
“I’m sorry.” It came out hoarsely, my throat wasn’t ready for words. So I cleared it with a cough quickly and continued, “I’ll get out of here and leave you alone.”
“What the hell were you thinking?” Sadie’s voice was controlled, and I don’t think it carried past me. She grabbed my hand and pulled me into the office. I followed, her will being stronger than my mushy brain could counter. “I had everyone looking for you.” She pushed me back on the cot and began covering me with the blankets.
“I thought…” Sadie didn’t let me finish.
“You didn’t think,” Sadie stated firmly, then her voice cracked, “if Houser hadn’t found you… God… you were blue when he brought you back.” There were tears running down her cheeks which she quickly wiped away. I was confused and my brain wasn’t processing at full speed. She sat down on the floor next to the cot, spreading her skirt evenly around her. “I am so sorry.” It sounded like she wanted to say more. She couldn’t get it out and wiped away another tear.
“I don’t understand,” I said quietly. One minute I thought she wanted me to leave and the next to stay.
“I don’t either,” Sadie said, her voice cracking, “it was ten degrees last night, I thought you were going to die.” She dropped her head into her hands and sobbed.
“I didn’t though.” It was an obviously useless statement. I thought back to crawling into that wooden entry way. It was almost my grave. “My stupidity isn’t your fault.” Sadie tried to say something, then thought better of it. She stood, instead, wiping her eyes.
“I’m going to get you some food. You’re not to leave.” It wasn’t a request. I watched her leave with her hair bouncing on her back. Something had changed and I couldn’t completely wrap my head around it.
Sadie returned and allowed me to sit up. She placed a plate of roast beef and mashed potatoes on the desk. I hadn’t realized how hungry I was until the smell hit me. She sat with me, watching me eat, smiling while I chewed. When I pushed the empty plate away, she spoke.
“I want to take back what I said.” Sadie looked at me, then her eyes drifted toward the empty plate. “I was angry… I can’t really explain it and it confuses me.” She looked back at me with her clear, green eyes. “I don’t want you to leave, although I know you might. I wouldn’t blame you.”
“I’m pretty messed up,” I admitted. I tried to kill myself and then almost did it accidentally. “I’m not sure if I do more harm than good.” Sadie put her hand over mine.