(Embry’s POV)
I could feel the heat rising to my cheeks as I stepped back from him shyly. Well that was not what I had planned. “I think- I think I have more flour in the cupboard so I’m just gonna go get that” I trailed off, scrunching my eyes together in embarrassment as I shuffled to get the new bag of flour. “Has anyone told you that you’re cute when you blush?” he smirks, shaking his head as he turns to wash his hands.
Freezing, I quickly placed the flour on the counter, looking up at him. “Yeah” my voice wavered, “your brother. The guy who I’m married to and on the run from.” I said defeatedly feeling stupid. A sudden emotion of weakness overcame me as I held onto the counter for support, a raw type of pain surging through my body.
Resting my head in my hands I could feel my chest restrict alarmingly, “oh god, what am I doing?” My chest heaving up and down at a rapid pace as I tried to get the air to reach my lungs, but it didn’t seem to be working. Every breath I took never quite reached where it needed to, I was powerless as I wildly inhaled.
“This isn’t right, I can’t- I-I” sliding down against the cabinet door, I brought my knees to my chest. “Oh fuck, fuck, fuck” I could just about make out Sebastians panicked muttering as I caught a glance of his pacing shoes.
“Okay, I need you to stand up really quickly princess and sit on this chair for me” the heavy feeling of doom sat on my chest, squeezing my chest cavity, as I stayed put despite his command.
Picking me up bridal style, I was unable to care enough to do anything, unable to focus on anything but the spiraling feeling of shame and panic. “You’re doing so good princess” he soothed, placing me onto the chair, and pushing my head so it fell between my knees. I could faintly feel as he placed my hand against his chest, “follow my breathing.”
The odd position I was in eventually became comforting, the air finally making its way into my lungs. My hand moved up and down with his exaggerated breaths and soon enough I found myself matching the tempo of his breathing.
“Atta girl” he beamed at me, his hand not moving from mine. Drying the tears that had escaped amidst the panic, I slowly sat against the back of the chair.
“I’m sorry” I whimpered, wrapping my hands around my torso for comfort, to stop myself from feeling so cold. “Don’t apologise Em, never apologise for that” he frowned, letting go of my hand and rubbing his up and down my thighs in a soothing manner.
“Why are you being so nice to me?” I sniffled, “I don’t understand where it all came from” pain undisguised within my words. “I don’t know, I have no fucking idea what I’m doing” his face holding a look of pain that reassembled perfectly how I felt within.
The sudden intrusion of the oven timer beeping caused us both to jump in fright, a series of giggles following as I thought about how bad that timing was. “There we go, you know I think your smile is a lot more beautiful than your tears” he winked as I rolled my eyes at his smooth talking.
“Well, if it makes you feel better, I don’t believe Noah has ever told me that” a sad smile plastered onto my face. “I’m sorry I ruined our brownie making” I apologised gloomily. I watched in curiosity as he jumped to his feet, a wide grin on his face, “now who said that, because if I’m not mistaken, the brownies are still a go.”
———-
Walking into the tattoo parlour I smiled at Dakota, sitting on one of the couches as Indigo cleaned some of her equipment. Sebastian had left about ten minutes ago, after making sure I was okay and taste testing the brownies with me.
“Hey pretty girl” Dakota beamed, indulging in the nickname Indigo had given me. “Hi” I smiled shyly, holding out a little box of brownies I had made for them, “we made brownies, and these are for you two.”
“You and Sebastian, huh?” Dakota winked, heat rising to my cheeks. “Oh my gosh, you know Sebastian seemed to have the exact same reaction when we mentioned you two, isn’t that right Indy” Dakota smirked, as I awkwardly met Indigo’s line of vision.
“It’s uncanny. Soooooo did something happen?” She smirked teasingly, retreating from her seat over to me. Her face suddenly dropped into one of childlike disgust, “don’t tell me you and my brother were getting it on, in the apartment right above where I was sitting.”
I could feel my jaw drop at her words, “Indy, what, no! God no, we didn’t- it wasn’t- it was just a kiss” I rushed out to say, the redness of my cheeks deepening in colour as I avoided the prying eyes of the two girls.
“Awhh, that’s so cute, Embry and Sebastian sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-” Dakota began singing until I shot a glare in her direction. “You guys are infuriating,” I pouted, holding the box of brownies to my chest. “No brownies for you anymore” I turned my head dramatically, pretending to be ignoring them.
“We’re just teasing pretty girl, don’t get your panties in a twist, so, did you like it?” Indigo whispered, eyes wide in wonder. Dramatically dropping myself onto the bench beside Dakota, my eyes remained trained on the floor.
“I don’t know, maybe” I guiltily admitted, shaking my head, “it’s just complicated you know? I think about him and I’m stuck, because I can’t figure out whether I’m starting to like him or I’m starting to like the idea of somebody who isn’t Noah actually liking me.”
Moving over to sit on the other side of me Indigo laid a supportive hand on my shoulder, “I know that I’ll never- that we will never really ever understand what you’ve been through or what it’s like to be you and I know I’m not the greatest person to vouch for my brothers, I mean Noah was young when I left and Sebastian well he was as normal as a teenager in a dysfunctional family could be, he was distant, he got angry, he had mood swings.”
Smiling over to me she continued, “but what I think Embry, is that ever since you’ve got here you’ve seemed so sad, so scared and lost. But when I see you after hanging out with Sebastian you don’t seem so down, and I think as much as I shouldn’t tell you this, if using him is the only way that you can find peace within yourself as shallow as it seems, do it, I may not know much about my brothers realistically but they are Hills and by no means saints.”
Flashing a grateful smile in Indy’s direction, I sighed. “I guess I’m just scared, I’ve always been a sensitive person who feels things deeply and who overthinks everything and everyone’s right, you can’t afford to be that kind of person here but that’s the only person I know how to be.”
Ignoring the piercing pain of acknowledging my feelings I continued, “growing up I knew how lucky I was to not be the kind of teenager who sat at home and who questioned whether that was all their life would come to, because I had Noah and I would have been happy for that to be all my life would amount to. And now, as all those people are getting ready to go off to college in a couple months, ready to really start their lives and I’m here and I’m wondering whether this is all my life will amount to.”
“It was only a week or so ago when I got married, and I’m only eighteen and I’m scared. I’m scared of everything, but I don’t want to be scared anymore. I want to be able to have feelings and not worry about them costing my life, I want to fall in love and not have to worry about it costing my life, I want to be able to be me and not have to worry about that costing my life.”
Sitting the brownies down in the space between Dakota and I, I leaned against the back of the couch, tilting my head back as if that would lessen my urge to cry. “Growing up I was always scared of never being exceptional, being normal was always such a terrifying concept and now, I’m petrified that I will never get to be normal again.”
“I see the way Sebastian looks at me, and the way we talk and the way he makes me feel, and maybe it’s not even really about him and it’s just me hoping that this could be my normal.”
Swallowing the lump in my throat, I could feel my eyes get dull. “But I don’t think I’m normal, I don’t think I’ll ever be normal. You know, I wasn’t fully blind to the way Noah was when we were growing up, but I didn’t mind it because if he loved me the way he did, unapologetically enamored with everything I did with such an intensity it hurt sometimes, that was okay because I knew, despite how wrong and unhealthy it was, if he felt that strongly about me, he wouldn’t leave me, he wouldn’t just abandon me.”
“Sorry for the interruption but Embry, sweetie, you don’t- you don’t think you might have like daddy issues do you?” Dakota butted in, flinching away from Indigo’s incoming smack. “Dakota, not the time” she warned, shaking her head at her fiancee. “I’m just saying, Sebastian’s like what, twenty four- okay okay, sorry, sorry, go on” she backed down after witnessing the glare sent her way by Indigo.
“I mean, was I just with Noah because it was safe? Because it was routine? And have I just convinced myself that Sebastian’s safe because I don’t find comfort within Noah anymore? I’m terrified of giving my feelings to the wrong person again but it seems I can never control them. That they just throw themselves at whoever is free to catch them. But I want to just be able to unapologetically be in love with somebody and not come to regret it.”
Biting my lip I tried to make sense of the jumbled up mess that was my mind, “and you think that person could be Sebastian” Indigo sighed. “I think Em, that your life fucking sucks and I think just let what happens happen, because if the only happiness you get from it is temporary, at least it’s something.” Indigo smiled, “I agree with Indy, I mean no offence but your life sounds like a true crime documentary and plus that whole man-bun thing Sebastian’s got going on is just perfection you know” Dakota gazed dreamily into the air.
“The love of your life is sitting right here, you do know that?” Indigo squinted her eyes at her fiancee, a fit of laughter bursting from me. “How about we three just have a girls night tonight, we can paint each other’s nails, do face masks and stuff our faces, we can just be normal” Indigo beamed, guiding me up from the couch.
I guess his man-bun is pretty attractive.