“Let me take all your pain away”
Have you ever felt lost within yourself, as if you were drowning in a constant state of eternal agony? In those moments, hope is one of the rarest things you could come across, so when somebody offers you that sliver of hope you had been aching for, does it make you insane to accept it? Even if you were seeking hope from the person who stole it from you.
Even if it meant letting down those who cared about you? “Noah?” I queried through my silent crying. “I think I’ve gone crazy” I whispered vulnerably. “I think you’ve gone through some crazy things, but I don’t think you’re crazy, I think you’re reacting in a very human way” he spoke gently.
We remained in our seated position of lying against each other, often letting silence surround us. I could feel the words on the tip of my tongue, ‘do you think things could go back to the way they were before, before the threats and the violence’, but my parents thought I was dead and I had his initials burnt onto my skin so I think I already knew the answer to that.
Instead I settled on asking, “why don’t you like your dad?” I craved to hold onto the current feeling of safety and peace I was feeling. There was no need for my heart to race with fear or my throat to close up. My tears were drying up, Noah’s previous words slightly comforting to me.
“Who said I didn’t like my dad?” he inquired, seemingly amused at my question. “You aren’t the only one who knows a lot about somebody else Noah James Hill” a faint smile graced my face as his full name slipped unconsciously through my lips. He breathed out a small laugh, “touche”.
“He hasn’t been a very good father to put it lightly” his voice sounded pained as he began to open up. “It was never really about my mother wanting me to go to a normal school, she just wanted me away from this house. She couldn’t save Sebastian because he was my father’s heir to the business being the oldest son, so she sent me to live with my aunt to get away from my father’s beatings.”
My stomach dropped at his words, but this time not in fear for myself but more for him. Lifting my head I turned to face him, seeing his eyes glossy, I let him continue his story, offering him comfort by taking his hand in mine.
“He is a perfectionist in simple terms, if one of us messed something up we would get hit with his belt, mother included, then it just became a way for him to let off steam. I remember one time when I had come back here for the summer at the age of ten, I had done something he didn’t like. God I can’t even remember what it was but he locked me down here in this room for three days without food or water.”
I couldn’t help the gasp that left my lips, Noah was by no means a saint but such cruelty towards anyone made me feel sick to my stomach. “I’m sorry” my voice wobbled as I stalled the tears knowing I had no right to cry in this situation.
Pulling me onto his lap, I sat facing him as he placed his head against my chest. My arms wrapping around his head knowing he needed this physical comfort.
“It’s okay, because I had this amazing best friend who I knew I would get to return to after summer, so I spent those three days coming up with ideas of fun games we could play together” he whispered, his hot breath hitting off my skin.
“To be honest I think there was something about the desperation in a child’s scream that gave him a rush, he was ruthless, one time Sebastian broke a glass so he made him walk through it and wouldn’t let him remove the shards for the whole day. What kind of father makes a 14 year old walk around with glass pieces lodged in the bottom of their feet.”
“No child deserves that” I whimpered, brushing my fingers through his hair in an affectionate manner. “I’m sorry I never realised” guilt bubbled in my stomach. I was his best friend and never noticed anything, what kind of friend did that make me?
“It’s not your fault, the pure happiness I got from being around you cancelled out any pain I felt when I returned after summer, there is no way you could have known” he tearfully smiled. “Why didn’t you ever tell me before?” I wondered.
“I didn’t want you to see how crazy I was, but I think you’ve already gotten it figured out by now so” he weakly smiled. “If I’m honest, I think you’re a little crazy, but I think any human would be if they had been made go through that.” He let out a small chuckle at my remark.
“So what now?” he asked in a small voice. “What now?” I repeated, this was probably the most open we had been with each other for the past year and a half about things. It was something necessary but I feared that it wouldn’t go beyond this room and this moment.
“Well, I guess if you still wanted to you could go talk to my mother” he wiped the last remaining tears that glistened on his cheeks. “I think I would like that,” I whispered.
That is what led me to standing outside a big wooden set of double doors fidgeting with a strand of my hair as I waited in worry to see Evelyn. “I’m taking a big risk by letting you see her little bug, so I need to know you trust me” he announced, “I trust you” I responded.
“It’s a little more complicated than that, I want to know we are making progress and this won’t set us back, so tonight I want you to do something for me, I can’t tell you what just yet I need to know you fully trust me.”
My stomach clenched at all the possibilities I would be opening myself up to at this moment but I needed to see Evelyn for my own piece of mind. “Okay” I sighed, as he opened the door to reveal a library, one that resembled the library in Beauty and the Beast. I was mesmerised.
My mouth hung open as I took in the sight of the thousands of books that were merely a couple meters within my reach, there were subfloors to the library as I craned my neck up to examine the rows upon rows of shelves.
“Wow” I stood shocked as Noah let out a chuckle bringing me further into the room. He led me towards a fireplace which was surrounded by vintage arm chairs, one on each side of it. I snapped out of my awe once I saw a figure sitting on the window seat overlooking the garden. The seat was hidden between two shelves at the furthest part of the room.
Scurrying over I disregarded Noah’s presence as he called out, “I’ll come back and get you for lunch, be good”, giving him a quick nod he then left the room.
Approaching Evelyn she still hasn’t noticed my presence, seemingly lost in her own world. Gently placing my hand on her shoulder I jumped back in fright just as she did. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you, I just wanted to see if you were alright” I rushed, “oh sorry darling, I must have been day dreaming again” her head turning towards me as her black eye and beat up face became visible.
“Oh Evelyn” I whispered, trying to stop the sobs that were digging at my chest to get out knowing I had cried far too much for one morning. “Oh don’t worry about me sweetie, this isn’t anything really” she insisted as my heart broke into pieces, this was worse than what Noah had done to Sebastian.
Sitting down beside her I struggled to find any words I could possibly say in this situation. “Come let’s sit by the fire, it’s quite chilly over here by the window” she stood, a kind smile still lighting up her face. I noticed as her lip twitched in discomfort with every breath she took.
My eyes widened as she limped over towards the armchairs, rushing beside her. I insisted on giving her a hand. “Let me help you, let me look at your wounds” I pleaded knowing I didn’t know that much about medical things but I at least wanted to be of some use.
“Embry, please don’t worry yourself about it, I’ve already got my injuries checked by our staff” she reassured me, letting herself sink back into the cushions of the arm chairs. “Sit, I want to tell you a story” she nodded towards the chair opposite her as I hesitantly lowered myself into it.
Watching her intently I listened to every word that spilled from her mouth. “When I was a little girl, my mother died” feeling the need to say something. I was stopped as she held out her hand silencing me, “we were a poor family, my father had some addiction issues and because of this he couldn’t keep a job.”
“So there I was at 15, about four years after my mother passed, working two jobs trying to support myself and my father. It just seemed to get worse over the next three years, he got abusive, and then when I was your age my father had gotten himself deep in debt due to his addictions” her eyes looked sad as she recalled her past.
“I gave up believing my father loved me when I was traded off for marriage to pay off his debts, that was when I met James, he was my soon to be husband and he had fallen head over heels for me.”
Scooting to the edge of my seat, I became intrigued at the amount she had been through, it made everything I had been through feel so miniscule. “I bore a hatred towards him and his family, they had taken me away from all I had known, granted it wasn’t much. After a while I began reciprocating the feelings James had for me, but his family had some weird obsession with discipline and male superiority.”
“Of course being a teenage girl, I was rebellious, wanting to fight him at every corner, he began ‘beating me into submission’ as he liked to call it. Eventually I submitted, and then the next thing I knew I was married with kids, the best thing that could have happened to me were my three children.”
Oh sweet Jesus, there was another one. I’d be lucky if I passed by without getting any trauma from the last Hill child.
Let’s just hope Noah really is changing for the better.
Because sometimes all we have is hope.