Lying there in my brother’s bed, my arm around him, face nuzzled into his neck I should have fallen asleep immediately. After all this is what I had come home for. A few nights with Mark was always exactly what I needed. Instead I was wide awake with my head spinning, still trying to figure out exactly what had just happened. Up until a half hour ago my visit home had been everything I had hoped for and desperately needed.
From my arrival Friday night right up to that amazing experience not an hour ago, I could not have asked for more. Not only had my little brother spoiled the shit out of me as usual, but the news of an impending six figure sale for my paintings and Laura’s wonderful phone call had me on cloud nine. I had always mocked people who said that life could provide a natural high that drugs couldn’t, but there was a point an hour ago that after those two phone calls and lying there in my brothers bed covered in his sweet kisses that I had to agree.
Then Mark had caught me completely by surprise and I had not reacted well to say the least. I felt a sinking feeling in my stomach at the thought of my little brother upset. The night had certainly not gone as he had hoped and I had made things worse by toying with his feelings. I hadn’t meant to I had just been taken off guard and unsure of how to take what he had put out there. That was no excuse however, after all the sweet sex could have been misunderstood, but him telling me point blank;
“Megan I really love you. I love you so much.”
Yeah there really wasn’t much room for interpretation there. My little brother had put it on the line hoping to get an answer and instead I broke his heart. No I hadn’t handled it well at all and now I had no idea what I was going to do from here. Despite his bad ass attitude and general feelings of apathy towards most of the world, deep down my brother was sensitive. For all of his looks, success in and out of the bedroom, and the confidence he exuded; somewhere in there Mark was still that scared, insecure little kid that felt no one had wanted him, not even our own mother. My brushing him off last night I’m sure brought all of that back to him. Good going Megan, you broke this heart in record time.
Lying there I was still stunned. I mean where had this come from? Our entire lives we had been content to love each other as siblings. Granted we were siblings with benefits, fucking for close to two decades now. But we had never thought of crossing the line. Well I never had anyways. When we had first started it was the physical closeness we both needed. As we got older it was about the sex and the taboo of it. We both had other relationships and fooled around with each other as well. For six months Mark had slept with both Krissy and I yet told her he had never cheated on her the sick thing was he believed it as if we didn’t count. The sicker thing was that I was the one who convinced him of that. After that, I was so messed up for years there wouldn’t have been an option, and since I’ve been straight I’ve lived my own life states away.
Ironically I had been the one looking for love, not Mark. Hell I remember being a little put off he had found it with Samantha as he hadn’t been looking. That thought stopped me cold. Had Mark never been looking because he thought it was me all along? Was he waiting for it to be right? For everything to fall into place somehow? He had just about said as much with that “waiting a long time” comment he had made. I knew I should say something but sadly, I had nothing. I really didn’t know how to feel.
My first reaction was that he was confused and that he was just rebounding from Samantha. She had made him feel a certain way and he wanted it again. He had claimed Samantha didn’t know him and there were things he could never tell her. One of those things was our taboo relationship. Maybe he was transferring those feelings to me. Then again his act of “making love” to me had been incredible. I truly had never felt anything that good before. It wasn’t just the physical sensation. Mark hadn’t just loved me with his body, it had been with his heart as well and I could feel it. For me to feel that meant I had to have something there as well. I had never felt that before during sex that feeling of love to go along… I stopped and frowned. Had I? I didn’t think so but for a second it seemed like something had been there. I concentrated but no it was gone.
Lying there I could tell Mark was awake also, he was quiet but I could feel the tenseness in his body. I removed my hand from around his waist and started lightly running my nails across his powerful back. I slowly traced the outline of his huge Baphomet tattoo. Normally this would get him to make that adorable little cooing sound; the one that only I ever heard. Tonight however I was getting no reaction at all. After a minute I whispered;
“You awake little brother?”
“Yes.” He replied softly.
“You okay?” I asked.
“No.” Credit where credit is due my brother does not lie to me.
“Do you want to talk about…”
“No.”
“Well…”
“Go to sleep Meg. I’ll be fine.”
I knew better than to keep going. He was hurt and humiliated. I did however continue to caress his back, and after awhile I felt his body relax as he started breathing heavier. Whether he was faking or not, who knew. I put my arm back around his waist and eventually fell asleep. Like yesterday morning I awoke around seven to find him gone. I must have rolled away from him at some point and he had slipped out.
I laid there for awhile with my eyes closed hoping to be able to drift back off but there wasn’t a chance in hell my head had already started spinning. I got up and slipping on Mark’s red robe went out to the kitchen and after making a cup of coffee sat on the couch to wait for him to come back from the gym. There was no simple solution here. I really wasn’t sure how I felt so what could I say to Mark? I’ll get back to you later? No I needed time but it wouldn’t really be fair to ask for it and Mark was probably pretty sure he had his answer. I sighed and seeing it was now after eight and knowing that unlike myself, Laura and mom were notorious early risers I decided to make a couple of calls.
The first call I made was to Laura. She answered on the second ring and was thrilled to hear from me. I kept it short telling her I was getting ready to go see my parents but wanted to tell her how much I appreciated her call. That it had meant a lot to me that she didn’t hate me and still wanted to keep in touch. I told her that I had spent last night remembering our first time. Laura had laughed and said she had thought of it herself before she called. Before I hung up I couldn’t resist telling her about Walsh which of course she was excited about for me. I hung up with the promise of giving her an exclusive peek at the paintings before Walsh put them up in his private gallery.
My next call was to mom who as soon as I heard her voice made me feel better. My mother was one of those people who had a very soothing effect on the people around her. No matter how bad things were mom had a way of making it seem better. After her usual initial excited hello, mom asked me if I was okay saying I sounded upset I lied saying I had just talked to Laura and that we were ending on a good note, but it was still hard. Mom started to go into it but I decided to play with her a bit asking her what she was doing today.
Dad was at an all day golf tournament and mom said she might go do a little food shopping but that was about it. I told her that I had been thinking about how we used to go to Marchetti’s Italian restaurant on Sundays for lunch all the time when we had our “girls” days when I was younger. Mom laughed, thrilled that I had been thinking of it, and said we would have to go whenever I could get time to come back home. Despite being upset about Mark I couldn’t help but smile when I asked her how about I pick her up at noon?
Mom had sounded as if she had won the lottery. I further made her day by asking if she would mind some company for a couple of days. After excitedly telling me that she would love to have her “little girl” come stay with her and that she would get my old room ready mom asked if I had already seen Mark. I told her I was calling from there and she asked if maybe Mark would want to come to lunch that she hadn’t seen him in months and the two of us together in well over a year. I told her I was pretty sure Mark had plans but would ask.
Mom then became serious and told me that apparently Mark and dad had some kind of terrible argument a few months back and not only hadn’t spoken but supposedly dad didn’t even want Mark in the house. I told her I didn’t know anything was wrong and promised I would try to find out. I doubted it would be today as Mark and I seemed to have a bigger issue to deal with but didn’t tell mom that. I ended the call on an up note telling her that I had incredible news to tell her and dad and hung up.
I looked over to see it was after 9:00. Mark was like clockwork and should have comeback by now. I knew what that meant. My brother displayed very little in the way of emotion because in all honesty he didn’t have many to speak of. However, on the rare occasion something got though to Mark and he felt sad or hurt, he would see it as a sign of weakness and that sadness would turn to the only emotion he had no problem displaying: rage. Thanks to his callous sister Mark had been pretty hurt last night.
I got up and quickly through on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt and leaving Marks apartment went up to the gym. Mark was still there, way off in the corner pounding the shit out of the punching bag. I approached slowly, Mark was shirtless, wearing just a pair of loose fitting karate pants. He was covered in sweat and I could hear his heavy breathing from several feet away. Mark was standing right up to the bag delivering short sharp punches into the middle of it, putting everything he had into each one using not just his arms but swinging his hips into them.