88.

MAEVE HAWTHORN.
Staring directly into his green heart, my heart leapt and I could feel my face getting so hot that I felt like I was in an oven being baked to death.
Did I really say that? Did I really tell him not to leave me? When?
I tried to remember, my mind playing back everything I’d said but I couldn’t really remember everything. It was almost as though my brain had been completely wiped.
Why did I ask him to stay though? I shouldn’t have said something like that.
He had made me feel horrible, tied me up and put me up like I was some sort of lab rat and if anything, I shouldn’t want to see him anymore but somehow, sitting with him didn’t feel so bad.
Only one man could make me feel so embarrassed that I start to lose faith in the fact that I actually have self esteem and self worth and somehow, I would still enjoy his company.
Enzo De- Luca.
How? Just how does he do it?
“I didn’t think you cooked.” I managed to say, putting an end to the thoughts in my head and trying to hide the fact that I’m actually embarrassed at myself right now.
“That’s because I’ve never cooked for you before,” he responded and I could swear that he stiffened as he sliced the apples.
There was something bothering him or they’d was something he wanted to say but probably couldn’t find the words.
“That’s true” I said, trying to lighten the mood, my body still aches and my throat felt like I could drink an entire sea but that didn’t seem to matter.
I’ve always wanted this. I’ve always wanted to be with him, to see him in a different light. Does it make me really cheap and stupid that I forgave him faster than the speed of light?
I mean, I enjoyed the torture, I came more times than I could count and even passed out from the pleasure. Never in my life did I ever think I could attain such a level of pleasure but I did.
“I’ve cooked for someone else once before,” he spoke, not lifting his gaze to look at me and if I didn’t know he was incapable of having that kind of feeling, I’d have said he was embarrassed.
“She was the only one I ever cooked for.” He added and something about his face made me stiff.
He was smiling, lost in the memory in his head. I’ve never really seen Enzo like that and the fact that the person could make him act like this makes me want to ask questions.
Who is she? Where is she now? Why aren’t they together? What happened between them?
“Who-” His brows furrowed, the frown lines on his forehead were so deep that it made me swallow my words, giving me not a single chance to complete my statement.
His eyes were dark, hooded and underneath that ‘I don’t give a shit’ look he had in his eyes, there was a hint of sadness that made my chest tighten.
Just who is this woman and what did she do to him?
“Anyways, you need to eat.” He said as soon as he finished slicing the apple. The room fell silent, tension like never before settled and I almost couldn’t breathe.
It was almost like I could feel what he was feeling, he looked like he was in pain, so much pain but he would rather die than share that pain with someone else.
Taking in his features, I couldn’t tear my gaze away from his face. It never bothered me because I never really noticed it that much but now that I’m taking my time to study his features, I couldn’t help but notice how older he looked.
More mature than I could ever be and he sat with me with a kind of grace I don’t think I’d ever possess.
His broad shoulders called out to me and I just couldn’t help but wonder if they ever got tired of the burden he carried.
I wish he’d share. I wish he’d tell me why he’s always like a switch, why he’d make me feel one thing one day and another thing the next day.
I had questions but I wasn’t bold enough to ask them.
“When you look at me like that, it makes it really hard for me to ignore the fact that I want to hold you in my arms.” His voice jolted me out of my thoughts and I blinked more than three times before I could see that he was looking directly at me.
His eyes were red, he really stared at me like I was leaving him with no choice and a glint in his eyes almost made me feel as though he couldn’t possibly live his life without me.
His lip parted as if he wanted to say something but almost as soon as they parted, they formed a thin line, indicating that he was changing his mind.
Why does it have to make things so hard? Why does our relationship have to be so complicated?
Why can’t he just share some of his burdens with me?
“W- What?” I blinked, my cheeks feeling so hot that I didn’t need a soothsayer to tell me just how red my face was right now.
“Stop looking at me with those eyes.” His answer was shorter and even more nerve wracking than I had expected.
This would have been my window to confront him, yell at him and hurl insults at him but the big lump I felt at the back of my throat ridded me of the ability to speak.
“What eyes?” I managed to ask, finally looking away from him as I picked a sandwich from the tray and bit into it.
I felt pleasure surge through me as my tongue came alive, I didn’t think a sandwich could ever taste so delicious, even the ones I make never tasted this good.
Closing my eyes to savor the taste, my entire being felt alive and I don’t know what the warm glow that engulfed me was but I wished it never went away.
“Those eyes that seem to always call out my name,” Enzo’s voice was low but I could hear him and I almost choked on the sandwich but I didn’t open my eyes.
“Anytime I look into your eyes, I feel like I’m worthy of affection,” he continued, causing me to stop eating, “I feel like a piece of trash like myself actually deserves to be loved.” He went on as I slowly opened my eyes.
“Wh- What- What suddenly brought this on?” I asked before taking big gulps of the orange juice he brought with me and as I turned to face him, my eyes widened.
His eyes glistened with what I could swear were tears, he was smiling but it wasn’t the kind of smile that should get your heart racing and your blood gushing but somehow-
– somehow, his thinned lip smile seemed to do that to me. I tried to look away but I just couldn’t. How could I? He seems to be in so much pain?
“Enzo, I-”
“I couldn’t protect her, I’m not about to convince myself that I can protect you,” he said before I could even say anything.
I watched as Enzo stared at his palm, his fingers trembled as his hand shook, “I want to let you go, I swear I do but I can’t.” He continued, each word coming out of his mouth hitting me like a wrecking ball.
“Day and night I’ve convinced myself that I could do it, that I could send you out of this house and not feel the least bit bothered about it but I can’t.”
“It’s just a lie that I tell myself every single day because just before I could even get the chance to see you in the morning, I run away because I can’t show such weakness.” He smiled bitterly.
“Forget being the most feared man in the country, I’m a coward, Maeve, nothing but a big fat coward, a ruthless fool that’s undeserving of anything good but then again, I look in your eyes for the tiniest moment and I’m convinced.”
A cold, congested expression settled on his face and it felt like he was going through thousands of emotions at once because his facial expressions just changed by the second.
His eyes were dark and unfathomable and yet compelling, magnetic that I had no idea how close I’d gotten to him until I felt something hot hit my face.
It was Enzo’s breath. I should pull back.
There wasn’t a single space between us and my body shook, a tingling sensation reverberated through me and I had to squeeze my thighs to quell the rush of desire between my legs.
I hate that this is the only thing I can think about when I’m with him and when I’m not with him, all I can think about is him.
Fuck, I love this man so much that it kills me to see him like this. The knowledge of my love for him kills me too, everything he does makes me feel like ceasing to exist but yet, here I am, thinking of ways to comfort him.
My hands moved as if they had a mind of their own as they took Enzo’s hand and I shivered. His hands were shockingly cold, it was almost like he was dead.
“You’re not a coward,” I said, looking up at him, “I mean, an entire country and more could never be scared of a coward.” I smiled, knowing I wasn’t making any sense but talking anyways.
“They would if they didn’t know how much of a coward he is.” He answered and I nodded. I mean, he had a point but that’s not the point.
“I don’t know who this woman is or what happened in your past but you can’t keep building walls around yourself with me.” I continued.
“I want to get to know you, there are tons of things that I genuinely want to know about you aside from the fact that you fuck like a monster.” I finished. I had no idea why but I added that last part.
Enzo laughed but there wasn’t a hint of humor in that laughter, “you think I fuck like a monster?” He asked, out of everything I said, that was the only thing this man heard.
“I want you to bring those walls down, let me see you for you and not the misconceptions I have in my head about you.” I continued, ignoring his question.
“Why aren’t you mad?” He questioned, “I mean, why aren’t you still mad at me? Why did you ask me to stay after everything? Why didn’t you push me away or get rid of me after all the rollercoaster of emotions I put you through?”
He captured me with his green eyes as he waited for my answers to his questions. Even I don’t have answers to that question, it’s not like I don’t want to push him away.
It’s not like I don’t want to run away from this prison-like mansion but each time I think about it, there’s always something telling me that he wouldn’t be able to live.
I must hold myself in high regard if I think this man can’t live without me but I just couldn’t shake it off.
His lids came down swiftly over his eyes, “you said you loved me,” he resumed, “you’re wasting your time, Maeve, a man like me can’t reciprocate a feeling like that.” He paused, his eyes darkening dangerously.
“You’ll only be caught up in-”
“AHHHHH. WHY DON’T YOU JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR A MOMENT?!” I yelled before he could complete his sentence.
“What?” Enzo was confused but I was boiling, my mood veering sharply to anger as I closed my eyes, trying my best to tamp down my frustration.
“You think you’re so macho, so aggressively male that you think you can make decisions for me?!” I added, “you’re telling me I’m wasting my time? Why don’t you let me decide that for myself!” I said firmly.
“I LOVE YOU and that’s my problem, not yours! I’ll deal with it however I want to but I’m not going to sit and let you convince me that you’re not worthy of even the tiniest affection!”
“You don’t know anything, Enzo De-Luca! You might even be the most stupid person I know in this world because, YES, YOU ARE STUPID!” I yelled and with that, my lips crashed down on his.
I was kissing him with an ardor that left even me breathless. My tongue pushed his lips open and explored his mouth.
What. The. Hell. Am. I. Doing?