Ever since the first time he came home late at night, Rafael has been going out more often. He never stayed out at late as the first time, but he would still be gone most of the afternoon and be quite secretive about where he had gone, acutely avoiding any of my questions about his day.
Although I didn’t want to think poorly of him, I still couldn’t help wondering what he had been doing that would result in him coming home in a different shirt every time.
I had been trying to open up to him more. Visiting him at his at-home office in the mornings. Gifting him little baked goods that I had made the day before. Asking about how he had been doing. Inviting him to have dinner with us.
He seemed to be getting more relaxed around me.
But, every once in a while, our fingers would accidentally brush up against each other whenever we passed something to another. I would be unable to stop myself from flinching in response, and Rafael’s expression would fall drastically before quietly excusing him to give me room.
I was trying very hard to try to ease my body in his presence, but for some reason, it refused to listen to me no matter how much I reminded myself that Rafael was a safe person.
It felt like every time we took a step forward, we would eventually end up taking two steps backward again, all because of the fear ingrained deeply into my body.
It felt like he was getting further and further away from me with each passing day, and I feared that I might end up driving my husband and Liam’s father away one day.
I paced around the living room anxiously at the thought.
Rafael had amicably agreed to have dinner with Liam and me tonight, just like all the other days I had invited him to have dinner with us, but he had left the house to take care of some “business” again.
I wanted to believe that he truly was just taking care of business.
Despite my inability to accept his physical affection, he was still showing his affection in other ways.
Asking about whether I had eaten already and making sure that I was staying healthy.
Doing little things around the house for me even though I told him he didn’t need to, like building a new shelf for my near-full library or lowering the racks in the kitchen so I could reach them better.
He even came back with a bouquet of flowers and a box of pastries from popular shops in the city whenever he went out.
If he really were meeting with another woman in the city, he wouldn’t have purchased gifts for his wife after seeing another woman, right?
Right?
But what if those gifts were pity gifts? Purchased out of guilt? Apologies for what he had done?
I knew that he was only treating me well because he was an upstanding, respectful, and loyal man. So, I couldn’t blame him if he sought out comfort from someone else when I couldn’t offer it to him.
He probably realized how it wasn’t worth it to try to continue a relationship with me. If it wasn’t already bad enough that he couldn’t even touch me without sending me into a panic attack, I wasn’t nearly as pretty, tall, outgoing, or smart as other girls.
Maybe he was actually going into the city to prepare divorce papers and just didn’t know how to tell me…
Then, should I just handle the papers by myself? At the very least, he wouldn’t have to feel guilty for something that would inevitably happen.
I hesitantly stopped in front of the closed door of Rafael’s at-home office.
He said that I had free rein over everything in this house, right? That I could go anywhere and use anything without needing his permission…
So it would be alright for me to go into his office, right?
I wasn’t planning to snoop or anything, but my hand opened the door before I could ponder it any further. Trying to justify my actions, I told myself that I simply wanted to fill out the divorce papers ahead of time to save him the trouble.
His office was as pristine as it had always been. Filled with his masculine scent, without a single piece of furniture or book out of place, it was definitely his office.
I timidly stepped into the foreign space and stopped in front of his expansive wooden desk.
His laptop was in sleep mode at the center of the desk, with piles of papers and folders on either side. A few papers were left out next to his laptop with a few random scribbles, but none of it seemed to do anything with me.
I thumbed through neat piles on the side of the desk only to find nothing again. Not a single paper mentioning my name anywhere.
Then was he not planning for a divorce?
I pursed my lip, unconvinced. After all, why else would he be going into the city so often and so secretly?
I then spent the next 30 minutes digging through his desk in search of anything that may give me a clue about his whereabouts, only to come up with nothing.
Was he really just going out for business?
Was I just overthinking?
Was there actually nothing going on, and I was just being suspicious of a perfectly good man for no reason?
I dropped my head on top of the desk with a head sigh, ready to give up, but an unfamiliar soft click caught my attention once again.
I glanced down and found a hidden drawer sticking out of underneath me. I curiously pulled the drawer out further and found a thin file tucked away inside of it.
I opened up the folder warily. However, it was nothing like what I had expected to find.
It was a copy of my medical records. Information about my name, weight, height, and notes about my accident.
It wasn’t anything that I didn’t already know. Trauma to the head resulting in temporary memory loss. Minor fractures and bruises that didn’t need much treatment.
However, the results from a blood test at the bottom of the page caught my attention.
“White blood cell count normal.
Red blood cell count normal.
Hemoglobin and platelet count normal.
Iron level slightly lower than expected.
hCG positive.”
My eyes scanned over the last line repetitively.
Was I… pregnant?
But why didn’t Rafael or the doctor say anything?
“Patient was determined to be around ten weeks pregnant before admission, but blunt trauma and high volume of blood loss resulted in miscarriage before arrival to the emergency room. Patient may experience minor spotting for the next 4-6 weeks. It would be best to come for a check-up with an ob-gyn after this period to make sure all tissue passed through safely.”
A burst of pain flashed through my head as memories started to filter back in.
Memories of Liam’s bloodied hands as he desperately patted my cheeks, trying to keep me awake in the dark stairwell.
Memories of the pool of blood around us before I passed out.
Memories of sirens as I came in and out of consciousness.
The faint sound of Achilles’s voice calling out to me.
His loving words as he begged for me to wake up.
“I failed you once already, but I promise that I will keep you safe this time. I will make ever last one of them pay for your pain, so please just let me see your beautiful eyes one more time.”
All the memories of our time together came flooding back at once.
I held my head in pain as all the memories slowly settled back into my head.
All the love that I felt for Achilles came back all at once. It almost felt as if these feelings came from someone else, but at the same time, I knew that they were my feelings.
As everything slowly settled down, I eventually came back to reality as I tried to straighten out my thoughts.
It wasn’t an accident…
Someone had tried to kill me…
They took away our baby before I even knew I was pregnant…
Achilles and I’s baby…
And Achilles vowed to hunt down every last person that was involved…
Oh god… Was that what he had been doing every time he left the house?
Why didn’t he tell me anything?
I was abruptly dragged out of my thoughts as the sharp sound of the doorbell rang through the house.
“Jane? I’m home.”
My eyes widened at the familiar deep voice.
Scrambling to clean up the mess of papers around me, I hurriedly crammed the file back into the hidden drawer of his desk. I quickly ran out of his office, not wanting to be caught snooping.
There must’ve been some reason why he didn’t tell me about my miscarriage.
Anxiety rose in my throat as I got closer and closer to the source of the familiar deep voice. I wasn’t sure what I should do when I saw him.
Should I tell him that I got my memories back?
But what if he hid the miscarriage from me because he was ashamed of having a wife who couldn’t even protect her own child? After all, he was looking forward to the idea of having a daughter in the future…
My hands grew clammy at the thought.
I quickly shook my head to clear the intrusive thoughts.
Achilles would never do such a thing.
He had told me repetitively how much I meant to him. Constantly trying to get me to see myself the way he sees me.
A strong and beautiful woman. One who had a strong sense of determination despite having a soft heart. Someone who he was proud to be the husband of.
His queen.
Gathering as much courage as I could, I rounded the last corner before the foyer. I faltered at the familiar sight of his broad back as he neatly hooked his coat onto the adjacent wall.
At the sound of my footsteps, he turned around with a warm smile and greeted me, “I’m home, Jane.”
I waved timidly at him as I hesitantly made my way closer to him. There was so much I wanted to tell him, but I couldn’t find the voice to talk to him for some reason.
Taking no note of my odd behavior after two weeks of me avoiding him during my memory loss, he handed me a bag alongside the large bouquet of flowers in his hand and continued, “I visited the chocolatier that you liked today. He was a bit worried when I didn’t show up for the last couple of weeks, but he was glad to know that you were alright when I explained what had happened.”
I nodded, softening as I accepted his presents.
Even if I did lose my memories, how could I have ever thought this man would commit adultery?
Everything he did- down to the littlest of his actions- showed just how much he thought of me.
The way he looked at me…
It wasn’t a longing gaze for the person I was before I lost my memory. It was simply the gaze of a man who wished to be close to the one he loves, with or without their shared memories.
There was no reason to hide my returned memories.
With a soft smile, I replied, “Thank you, Achi.”
He stuttered mid-motion as a hint of recognition fluttered through his eyes, a hopeful expression before it dimmed once again as if he couldn’t bring himself to believe it. He lowered his eyes and mumbled melancholically, “There’s no need to thank me, Jane… I just want you to be happy…”
Taking a step closer to him, I made myself a bit more clear and bravely reached a hand up to his face, tenderly skimming my thumb over his cheek.
He naturally leaned into my touch but tensed up soon afterward when he realized what he had done. He looked up at my worried, “Are you sure you’re okay with touching me like this? You don’t need to force yourself for me.”
I chuckled softly at his obliviousness. Leaning up as close as I could to his towering height, I tenderly placed a kiss on the base of his jaw and teasingly whispered, “I’m sure, love.”
He visibly stuttered at my action, blinking repetitively as if he couldn’t comprehend what was going on.
Spelling it out for him, I told him, “My memories came back, Achi. You don’t have to keep tiptoeing around me like before.”
His eyes quivered as they scanned my face for any inkling a lie. When he found none, he melted in a state of relief as he engulfed me into his warm arms. “I missed you so much, my love… so, so much…”
I stroked his hair soothing and whispered in reply, “I missed you too, Achi.”
“You have no idea how hard it was for me hold back these last few weeks…” His arms tightened ever so slightly as he continued, “I can’t even count how many times I wished to hold you like that but couldn’t in fear of overwhelming you…”
“I’m sorry for forgetting about you.” I kissed the corner of his eye apologetically, “I remember now, so please don’t feel sad anymore.”
“I don’t care if you lose your memories a thousand times- I can live with winning back your trust every time- but please…” His arms squeezed me a bit tighter than before as he pulled me even closer to him, “Please don’t ever die on me… Please don’t ever leave me… I can’t live without you…”
My heart cracked at his heart breaking pleas.
Lacing my arms around neck, I softly replied, “I’ll be safer in the future… I can’t promise that I may never get injured again… But I can promise I will always do my best to come back to you.”
I will always do my best to come back to my home.
My safe place.
The place where I was treasured more than anything else.