I slipped on my pajamas, the same pair as last night, and headed down to the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth. When I got back to the room I was fighting back a yawn. I really was tired. I opened the door and stepped inside, putting my toiletry basket in its spot on my dresser. I looked at my bed. It was made, all nice and neat, and with clean sheets, thanks to Mitch. That was so sweet.
Mitch was already under her covers. I looked at her, then back at my bed. I needed to just lie down. But last night had been so nice. And I didn’t want another nightmare, and they tended to come in groups. I just stood there for what felt like an eternity, looking back and forth from bed to bed, and I felt so confused and scared.
Then, Mitch looked up at me and just raised her covers in invitation. The confusion in my mind vanished, and I crossed the room and climbed in next to her. My anxiety just vanished as she put her arm around me. This was perfect.
***
I stood in the shower the next morning, just letting the water run over my body. Last night had been the best night’s sleep I’d had in months, maybe longer. But I wasn’t going to sleep with Mitch, um, I mean, sleep in MItch’s bed tonight, though. I could sleep in my own bed, and I really didn’t want Mitch getting the wrong idea. Not that she hadn’t been the perfect gentlewoman, but she always was around me.
I had a hard time concentrating on class today, which was not like me. I’d always been good at compartmentalizing my life. School, tennis, family, church, they had always been their own little circles, but now in college everything seemed to run together. Even in a huge place like Georgia, college was a microcosm of life.
And my life was getting complicated. I needed some distance, and that started by sleeping in my own bed tonight. Luckily I had a study group after dinner. When I got back to the dorm Mitch was in the common room, watching football with a bunch of other people.
“Hey? Join?” She motioned to the pseudo empty spot next to her.
I took a deep breath and shook my head. “I got some stuff I gotta do.”
“Okay. Oh, come on! That’s a hold!”
One of the guys laughed. “He only tackled him. Big deal!”
I took the opportunity to slip to the stairwell door, but I glanced back at Mitch as I went through. She looked back over her shoulder just at that moment and smiled at me. I felt my heart do a little flip, and I couldn’t help but smile back.
I was able to get an hour or two done on my Money and Banking reading, and I was finally starting to flag when the door opened and Mitch came in.
“Hey, Cindy.”
“Hey, you have fun?”
She walked up behind me. “More than you.” She picked up my textbook. “Geez, this is dense.”
“Hey, I like Econ.” She set it back down, and I turned back to it for a moment before I felt surprisingly gentle hands on my shoulders, rubbing softly. I couldn’t help letting go a sigh and leaning back. “Mmm, that’s nice.”
“You’re tense. Rough day?”
“Just stuff on my mind.”
“Like what?”
I looked up and smiled at her. God, she has beautiful eyes. “It’s nothing. I’m just tired.”
“Okay. You coming to bed?”
Everything I’d been arguing with myself came to a head in a moment. No, I was sleeping in my own, less confusing bed tonight. I had to. I opened my mouth to say so. “Yeah. I’ll be there in a minute.”
Her smile just melted me, and twenty minutes later I was in her arms, and my heart sighed in happiness. This was so nice. I put my arm over hers and relaxed into sleep.
I had a similar argument with myself every night for the next week, my internal protestations getting weaker and weaker with each passing day. And each night I looked more and more forward to sliding under the covers and into Mitch’s arms. After a fortnight I’d stopped fighting it.
It was Sunday, a lazy morning. Normally I had to get up way before Mitch did, and even on Saturday I was always up first. But Sundays were different. I just lay there, feeling her arms around me.
She stirred behind me and pulled me tighter. “Good morning.”
“Morning.” I ran my fingers absentmindedly over the soft skin of her arm. “So, do you hate that I keep hogging your blankets every night?”
She nuzzled into my hair, which sent a deliciously pleasant shiver down my body. I had to stifle an audible sigh. “Yeah, it’s horrible, having someone who keeps me warm.”
I turned around. It was incredibly intimate, our faces inches away from each other, legs touching under the covers, my arm on her waist, but it didn’t feel awkward at all. In fact, it was the most natural thing in the world.
“But wouldn’t you like, um, someone, who’d, you know,” I started to blush, “keep you warmer?”
“You mean someone to have sex with?” The heat in my cheeks doubled in intensity, which made Mitch smile. “That’d be nice, but I don’t think all three of us would fit.”
I giggled. “Stop it. You know what I mean.”
She kept her smile, but I thought her eyes looked sad. “Don’t worry about it. I’m just wondering how you’re going to get any sleep when I’m gone next weekend.”
I felt a pang at the remembrance. Her cousin was getting married in Jacksonville on Saturday, and she was heading down to meet her parents there for the weekend.
***
“So she’s going to be gone all weekend?” Carrie set down with her grilled chicken sandwich.
“Yeah. A wedding. I reckon she’s aiming to find a curious bridesmaid to defile.” It was weird. We used to joke about such things all the time, but now just saying it made me feel bad.
Carrie gave me a funny look. “I don’t really think that’s something you have to worry about.”
“Pfft, I’m not worried. Why would I be worried? She can sleep with anyone she wants.” And I’d have to sleep alone. I hated that idea. But I couldn’t say that to Carrie. I hadn’t confided in anyone regarding our recent unconventional sleeping arrangements. And, mind-blowingly, Mitch had been the soul of discretion.
Carrie’s strange look hadn’t gone away, and I decided to push a little. Maybe Carrie’d noticed something I hadn’t. “It is weird, though. She doesn’t seem to be going out as much this semester. And I don’t think she’s been gone overnight once since we got back.”
“She’s spending a lot of time with you, though.”
“Well, yeah, she’s my roommate, and my best friend. Why would that…” realization broke over me. “She is not interested in me like that! Besides, she’s knows I’m not gay.”
“Right, ’cause no lesbian has ever fallen in love with her straight best friend.”
“In love?” My head swam for a second. Mitch, in love with me? A vision of her holding me in bed while kissing the back of my neck appeared in my head, me turning in her arms, us pressing our lips together. That same shiver passed through me, this time lingering in my, well, my somewhere. You can use your imagination.
Carrie’s face got serious. “Just be careful. I don’t want one of you to hurt the other.”
I nodded. I didn’t want to hurt Mitch. God, she was the most important person in my life, and that thought stayed with me all through my afternoon classes and study time. What if Carrie was right, and Mitch was in love with me? Or, at least, if she had feelings for me? Was I the reason she hadn’t been out with anyone. And I’d pushed it, sleeping in her bed every night. God, that was so stupid. What had I been thinking?
But the thought of her with another woman made me hurt inside. I knew our intimacy wouldn’t survive either of us being really with someone. For the first time in a while I hesitated before climbing into bed with my friend. It was Thursday night, and Mitch would be leaving tomorrow afternoon. I told myself one last night here, and that I was going to enjoy it.
On Friday night Carrie tried to get me to go out, but I refused. I ended up watching movies in my room alone until early in the morning. I woke up the next day in Mitch’s bed, holding one of her shirts. I barely remembered grabbing it. What was going on with me? This is my decision. I would sleep in my own bed from now on. And I had to remind both Mitch and myself what I was.
It didn’t take much to find out where the parties were on Saturday night. I was going to go, I was going to dance, I was going to find a guy I was actually attracted to. I might even hook up.
I worked out with Carrie as usual, and we went out and hit some. I told her about my plans for the night like they were no big deal, trying to convince myself more than her I think. She said she wanted to go with me, but she had a date tonight. That was fine. I wasn’t sure I could do this with an audience.
When I made it back to my room I pulled out my tightest pair of jeans with a white, spaghetti strap halter top that I only owned because I’d promised my parents I’d never wear it without an over shirt. It showed both a bit of midriff and some cleavage, and it would do.
I took time with my makeup, trying to be a little more daring while pushing the voice of my mother, which insisted on slut shaming me, to the back of my head. One foot in front of the other, and found myself walking up the steps into the frat house, where the lights and music pulsed out into the night.
I went straight to the drinks and grabbed a red cup, which I filled from the keg myself. I felt really vulnerable, being here by myself, and I remembered seeing a thing online that warned people to never take a drink from a stranger. Everyone here was a stranger, so I was going to hold on to this cup all night if I had to.
I scoped out the scene. There were plenty of guys, and one of them was looking at me from across the room. I felt like I wanted to shrink into the wall. Apparently he got the hint, because he didn’t approach me, and I made my way around the house. The dancing was going on out back on a huge back patio, where lights had been strung up all over the place. To be honest it was more than a little tacky, but then again, few people would accuse the average frat boy of being an expert decorator.