I was staring at Hannah as she slept. The sight of her peacefully in my bed, her body safely tucked under my sheets was one I wished to wake up to every morning. The bit of sunlight drifting through my shaded windows lit her face with a slight golden glow. I kissed her forehead ever so lightly before getting up to brush my teeth, take a shower and get ready for the day.
Given what I did to my girlfriend last night, I wanted to make her breakfast. Well, I mostly wanted to make sure she drank something… She really needed to rehydrate.
“Good morning, baby,” she greeted me in the kitchen about half an hour after my shower. She was all smiles. Her arms wrapped around me from behind, locking around my middle. I turned my head to the side and she stood on her tiptoes to kiss me. She tasted like toothpaste. We made out for a few minutes before I gently pushed her, so I could finish cutting up the fresh fruit on the chopping board.
“Drink.” I pointed at the pitcher of juice, but she opted for water. She drained one glass then quickly poured herself another one. “How’d you sleep?”
“Oh, I don’t know… Like I came a million times last night?”
“A million, huh?” I smiled wide, joining her where she was sitting by the breakfast bar. I placed a bowl of perfectly good oatmeal and a plate of fruit in front of her. The look of shock she gave me was adorable. “I promise I’ll stock up on that sugary crap you call ‘cereal’ next time I go grocery shopping.” I kissed her again. “Now, eat.”
She grabbed my shirt and pulled me back toward her. She claimed my lips in an even deeper kiss, full of tongue. When we finally broke apart, she pecked my lips one last time before releasing her grip. “But Ellie, you taste so much better than oatmeal…” She scooped up a spoonful of oatmeal then let it drop back onto the bowl with a resounding plop.
Her last statement was just such a Hannah-statement. So cute but also somehow so sexy (at least to me). And just like that, the three words I was so scared to say tumbled out of my lips without any applause, without any fanfare, without any doubt. As if saying them to her came naturally to me.
“I love you.”
She squinted at me but said nothing. I waited a long while, but she remained silent. Her deep brown eyes were just studying me.
“Say something. I mean, you don’t have to say it back,” I continued unsurely. “But I don’t know, just say something.”
“I don’t think you’re gonna like what I have to say.”
“Say it anyway.”
“You sure you’re not just confused?” It was a well-deserved jab, but it stung nonetheless. The pain was short-lived though. “I love you, too.”
“Really?”
“I never stopped.” She stretched out her arms and I moved my stool, so she could hug me while we were both sitting. She was combing her fingers through my still damp hair. It felt nice. “I knew I was in trouble when we first kissed and I likened it to a firestorm…”
“What?” I looked up at her from where I was resting against her collarbone. She angled her head to kiss me.
“Mm, I do this thing in my head where I describe how you make me feel using fire.” She explained further and I melted. “So, when you said sex with me was like fire, I thought that made us like soulmates or something.”
Soulmates. I smiled. She was right. She was my soulmate. She was everything to me. “I love you, Hannah.”
“I love you.” There was no hesitation this time, no pause. “When I first told you that, my feelings for you were so, so intense, I really didn’t think I could love you more than I already did. But here and now?” She kissed me again. “I know I love you so much more than I did back then. Which is crazy… Like the firestorm, our firestorm, just keeps burning brighter and brighter.”
I knew exactly what she meant.
“I need to ask you something.” I moved back a little. I wanted to see her face. “Can you tell me why you didn’t want me to touch you? Like before last night, why wouldn’t you let me? Don’t get me wrong, I would’ve waited centuries if I had to,” I exaggerated with a reassuring smile. “But I just want to understand.”
“Uh, well, when we used to sleep together, I felt like…”
She was hesitant while doing so, but she finally told me the reason. During our arrangement, when she knew that she felt so much more for me than I did for her, it’d hurt her to think that every time I touched her, it was meaningless. Like she was just another one of the random women I’d previously messed around with.
That long-standing doubt was also the reason behind her asking me to explain why I wanted to touch her the night before. She wanted to make sure it was going to mean more to me than it used to. Although she looked so fragile as she spoke, she leaned over to kiss me again once she was done.
“I’m so sorry,” I whispered out, deeply guilty.
“It’s okay. We’re okay now.” She hugged me. It was crazy that she was the one trying to comfort me. “Which I’m super happy about… It would’ve sucked if the greatest love story of my life was a story about random and meaningless hookups.”
“I love you so much.” I wrapped my arms around her. I was hugging her so tight, too tight. I really didn’t deserve her. “I can’t change what happened in the past but now… Whenever I make love to you, there should be no doubt in your mind about how much doing so means to me, okay?”
She nodded her head, yes, and I smiled brightly.