Aria Ruso
I paced back and forth across his bedroom, lost in the thoughts of all that had happened that night. I didn’t know why my involuntary reaction had been running to Cade. I didn’t know why I’d flung myself to him and held onto him like he was my last lifeline, and I certainly couldn’t understand why standing in his arms after the fact had been the only thing that could stop my trembling.
I’d never been terrified like that before. I’d been attacked in the ICU by feral patients, and I’d been struck by people in pain, but it had never felt personal. It had never felt like I was being targeted because of who I was.
But with Cade, I felt safe.
I should have felt the opposite, and that was why I felt so conflicted. I didn’t understand any of the damn feelings I held in my chest, and I would have given anything to get it.
It all boiled down to how I felt helpless for just a moment, and I never wanted to feel that way again. I couldn’t let myself feel that way. But with Cade… I had felt helpless, and I hadn’t hated it. I hadn’t been afraid that he’d use his power over me, even though I should have been.
I knew not to expect him back from the event for at least an hour, but as the door opened and he strode inside, pulling his sleeves up his forearms, I realized that it had been well over an hour, and I hadn’t stopped pacing for even a minute. I hadn’t stopped overthinking. So as I whipped toward him, I threw my arms up. “I should hate you,” I shouted at him.
He took a step back and stared at me as if I’d sprouted a second head.
“I’ve hated you forever, and now that I’m here, I should continue hating you. But God damn it, Cade, you have too many different sides. I can’t keep trying to convince myself to hate you because it’s exhausting. I can’t hate you anymore, and it’s stupid.” I turned my back to him and took a step toward the bed, but I whipped back around as I thought about something else. “You almost killed my dog, and I had no choice but to tell my Dad about you and what you did. I had no choice, and I know you’re still pissed, but if I hadn’t told him, he would have let my dog die, thinking that I was stupid enough to leave something out for her.”
His brows drew together, and I knew he wanted to say something, but I didn’t give him the chance.
“And you want to know what else is fucked up? I know that I should hate you, and I know that you hate me. I should be terrified of what you can do to me, but no matter what you do, you don’t scare me. I’m terrified of being vulnerable with anyone. Terrified. But you’ve yelled at me in my face, and you’ve pinned me to the fucking wall, and I still haven’t been able to be afraid of you because I don’t think you’ll hurt me.” I paused and shook my head. “And that fucks with my head. How can you hate me so much and still have me convinced that you won’t hurt me?”
He opened his mouth to speak, but I didn’t give him the chance.
“And why does it turn me on?” I shouted, throwing my hands in the air. “Why do you turn me on? There has to be something wrong with me to be turned on by you.”
He smirked and raised a brow. “You think there has to be something wrong with you because you’re attracted to me?”
I shook my head, not finding any humor in the situation. “There has to be something wrong with me because you don’t scare me. I watched you torture a man tonight, and you didn’t flinch while doing it. I see the same hatred in your eyes when you look at me sometimes, and I should be terrified that you’d kill me, but I’m not. It arouses me. That’s fucked up.”
“I assure you, I can scare you if I want to,” he told me, his jaw ticking slightly.
He really didn’t understand, so I shook my head. “Cade, you can’t. That’s the problem. I want to hate you, and I’ve been telling myself that I do for weeks, but I don’t feel it. I want to fear you, but no matter how hard I try to convince myself to, I can’t. I can’t do either of those things.”
He moved forward quickly, and in an instant, he had my back pressed into the tall post of his bed, his hand on each of my wrists as he held them at my sides. “Aria, I may be kinder to you than necessary, and I may defend you against my people when the occasion calls for it, but I am not a good man. I am not safe. I’m a mob boss, and I have killed hundreds of people in my years in this role. You should be afraid of me.”
“I fucking know that, Cade. I want to be afraid of you,” I told him, already feeling the longing churning in the pit of my stomach from the mere way he talked to me. I liked that he was dangerous. “But I can’t.”
I could tell that he was trying to prove a point as he shoved me back into the bed and crawled atop me. He wanted to make me afraid, but it had an entirely different effect. “I will protect you from other people, but I won’t protect you from myself.” I felt the molten core within me open as he pinned both my wrists with one palm and ran a hand around the side of my face that didn’t ache. I forced my hips not to thrust into his with a deep breath. “But if you stop fearing me, that’s what’s going to get you killed.”
“I don’t think it will, though,”
He pursed his lips as his hand moved down my face and pressed into my neck lightly. “You can’t get away from me. You don’t want to feel vulnerable, but that’s what you are right now,” he said.
I knew he wanted me to fear him just as badly as I wanted to. “I don’t think you understand what I’m trying to tell you,” I said. “I know that you want me to be afraid of you. I know that I should. I know that I’m vulnerable with you, and there’s nothing I hate more than being vulnerable.
But I don’t believe you’d hurt me, Cade. I don’t.” “I can,” he said.
“Then do it,” I challenged. I didn’t want to be hurt, but if this was what it took to shake fear into me, I would take it. I needed to end the feelings I had for Cade, and this would be the only way to do it. He tightened his hand around my throat and my wrists just enough that I should have been scared, but my breath only hitched. He didn’t do anything else. “Hurt me, Cade,” I told him. “Because I don’t believe that you will.”
He bent into my face. “You’re fucking crazy,” he snarled, shaking his head. I couldn’t stop myself from grinding into him this time. I couldn’t stop the molten heat from shooting pangs of need through me. He dipped his head, pressing his face into the side of my neck. “After all the shit you went through today, you should not be asking this of me.”
“I need to know,” I told him, shaking my head. “Please, give me a reason to hate you.”
He groaned as I pushed my hips into his again, moaning softly as he rubbed into me and sent a jolt of pleasure spiking through me. I hated that I was reacting like this. I hated it, but I couldn’t control it.
He moved from me so quickly, grabbing both of my wrists, lifting me from the bed, and forcing me into the wall. The tender spot in the back of my head hit the wall a bit too hard, and I winced as Cade lifted me and held me against him. He looked over my face, worry clear in his expression. It was almost comical how he did the exact opposite of what I wanted.
“You can’t hurt me,” I told him, and without a second of hesitation, I slammed my lips into his.
It was enough to distract him-to take him away from all the harsh and uncontrollable thoughts that today had brought. I moved one of my hands around the back of his neck and drew him closer to me, taking in all that he could give me as his hard, brutal mouth fell on mine and devoured all of my thoughts and whims on that wicked tongue. He took everything from me- he took all my thoughts and fears. All my concerns and the pain that had been a constant reminder of what had happened today.
He held me to him like I was something precious and deserving of his affection. One of his muscled arms wound around my back as he held the back of my head. He gripped my hair in his fingers and tugged my head back, leaving scraping kisses along my neck and sending shivers down my spine.
I could hardly think straight as he lifted the dress and pressed my panties aside.
“I don’t want to want you,” I cried as he plunged a finger into me. I lurched forward and bit his shoulder to keep from crying out. “What’s wrong with me?”
He chuckled darkly as he pulled himself from his pants and lowered my body onto him. I rocked into him, my breathing shallow as the sensation of him sank deeper and deeper into me. “Sex has nothing to do with deeper emotions. Wanting to be fucked doesn’t have to mean anything.”
I ran with those words as he thrust hard into me. He was far from gentle, just the way I liked it. I wondered if it was his way of proving that he was still dangerous, despite not being that way with me. He pounded hard into me until I shattered around him, and when I did, he only tightened his grip on my hair. “Say my name, Aria,” he demanded.
“God, Cade,” I cried out, shuttering and tensing around him.
He, too, groaned, the muscles in his shoulders tensing as he found his own release inside of me, finally stopping and resting his head on my shoulder for a moment. It was a mercy that he held me in his arms, as my legs were too weak to hold myself as my body reverberated from the aftershocks of what we’d just done.
“I think you told me all I need to know,” I admitted a few moments later as we lay together, side-by-side.
“You’d be a fool to trust me,” he said.
But I wasn’t so sure if that was the case. I had no idea where to go from here, but I did know one thing.
What I felt with Cade was far from undiluted hatred.