“Wait-” I interrupted her. I asked her to pull out, so I could get on my hands and knees. I turned around to look at her. “Okay, come get me,” I rasped out. I felt my juices starting to drip down my inner thighs and I really needed to come again. And by the looks of her face, she really needed to come, too.
“Fuck, Hannah-” She shook her head, sporting the biggest smile. She bent down to lick the full length of my slit. She gave my left butt cheek a quick kiss with her lips before repositioning the toy at my entrance. She frantically pushed into me from behind and I squeezed my eyes shut. Unlike earlier, she didn’t start out slow.
Her hands gripped my hips tightly. She pulled me to her in time with each one of her thrusts, going deep then even deeper. Her thighs were slapping against my ass and I was screaming at the top of my lungs. I felt so full. Her pace was brutal but in the best way possible. The pressure and pleasure building inside my body were coming together, creating an inferno that I knew I wouldn’t be able to withstand. I came apart, losing myself in a monumental orgasm that shook me to my very core.
Amazingly, I managed to keep myself up until Ellie could come. She pumped in and out of me in a rush before burying the strap-on all the way inside me. As deep as it could’ve possibly gone. I choked at the feeling. She then ground her hips against my ass to ride out her high.
As soon as she pulled out, I collapsed and fell into a state of oblivion on her bed.
. . .
Me: Hi, lunch?
I texted Ellie. We had no plans to see each other, but I was already walking toward the direction of her office. I just wanted to see her and figured a quick lunch would’ve been as good as an occasion as any. Once I could see her building, I decided to call her. It rang and rang and rang… She didn’t pick up. I almost texted her again to tell her I was basically downstairs, but I stopped myself.
She was probably busy. It was a work day and I was being really presumptuous showing up unscheduled. I turned around. For some reason, the disappointment I was feeling was so tangible. I was so gutted that I wasn’t going to be able to see her. Which was irrational since it wasn’t like we’d made any plans… She didn’t let me down or flake on me. I’d gone there on my own volition without an invite.
So, basically, my disappointment was my fault.
I grabbed a croissant and coffee on my way back to work.
Ellie: Hey. Sorry, just saw this now.
She replied long after my lunch break was over.
Me: It’s okay.
It didn’t feel okay.
. . .
I released a contented sigh. I stared at my ceiling and blinked away the stars in my eyes. Everything about sex with Ellie felt way too good, like my body was an instrument she’d mastered a long time ago. Like all our parts just made sense together. I thought I’d had mind-blowing sex in the past, but sex with her was something else. It was earth-shattering, galaxy-imploding… I wondered if she felt the same way about how well we fit together. I really hoped she did.
I used my hand to comb my sweaty hair away from my face before sitting up. I smiled at Ellie. She was lying on my bed, spent. Clearly, she was as worn out as I was.
“You hungry?” I asked. I didn’t really want to leave our little sex fort, but I knew we needed to eat something.
“Starving.”
“Hmm, I have nothing…” I admitted, seeing that my fridge was more or less empty. I wasn’t able to pick up groceries like I’d planned because Ellie was rushing me home after my run. I eyed the well-used stack of delivery menus, but I decided against ordering in. It was still early enough to go out, we could’ve even saved time getting ready by showering together. “Wanna eat dinner out tonight?”
“Can’t we just order pizza again?”
“I mean, we can. But there’s this new restaurant that just opened and I wanted to try it out. Someone at work said their-”
“Oh, I can’t go out-out tonight.” She didn’t even let me finish. I turned around to see her getting dressed already. “I’ll just heat up some leftovers in my place, but you should definitely go out for dinner.” She suggested it so casually, so indifferently. Her cavalier tone almost made the statement seem reasonable despite how ridiculous it was.
“Alone?” I scrunched up my eyebrows.
“Invite another friend or something.” She kissed me on the cheek, already fully dressed. I suddenly felt like I should’ve been wearing clothes, too. “I’ll see you soon, okay?” She squeezed my arm before grinning at me. “Thanks again, I really needed that.” She gestured toward my rumpled bed.
For the first time in my life, a thank-you made me feel dirty. I sat down on my little couch once I was fully clothed. I kept replaying my conversation with Ellie. It then dawned on me, ever since we’d started having sex, it seemed like we did nothing else but fuck… It was always about the ‘benefits’ of our ‘friends-with-benefits’ situation. We no longer did the things that we used to do when we were just plain vanilla friends. And that realization really upset me.
I thought back… Before we started hooking up, she used to always make me go out with her. Christ, one time, we even went to a mall just to look for cute stickers. Since we’d started fucking though, all of our plans had been limited to going to one another’s apartments. I enjoyed sex with her (so, so much), but I missed being with her in other ways.
Ellie and I used to have these really deep conversations, we flitted from one topic to another without pause. I treasured our talks because they allowed me to learn more about her. After our little arrangement had started though, most of the words between us were exchanged in bed. And although I was a big fan of our dirty talk and pillow talk, I couldn’t help but miss how we used to converse. She was so intelligent, I felt lucky whenever she’d share with me her ideas and how she saw the world. I stared at my bed. Even though she was just here, I missed her so much. I wrapped my arms around myself.
I felt cold.
. . .
I never used to mind being alone. I liked having the space and time to recharge, away from everyone else. But being alone never felt as lonely as it did whenever I ended up by myself in my bed after having sex with Ellie for hours. Each time we parted ways after a hookup felt like a bad comedown to me.
She was so blase about everything, which made things so much worse. I really wanted to be like her, but we just weren’t wired the same way. Every single time she left my apartment or hinted that it was time for me to leave hers, I felt a crack form on my willpower. Why did I ever think I could go through with this..? The pain was so subtle at first, I didn’t even notice it. Especially because of the constant barrage of pleasure Ellie sent my way.
But as time passed, and the old Ellie and I had faded more and more, the pain inside me grew. The dull ache had become excruciating. I couldn’t even deny it to myself anymore. She was using me. This thing between us which had started out as something so sexy and fun had morphed into something I’d describe as torture. I needed it to stop, but I also needed it to continue. Even if fucking around with her was breaking me slowly, I kept at it because ending things with her would’ve surely torn me apart, too.
I’d caught feelings, feelings that were so real and palpable. I knew if Ellie ever found out just how badly I’d fallen for her, she would’ve dropped me without second thought. Time and time again, she told me she didn’t believe in relationships. She wasn’t looking for love.
Love? Was that what this was? Why did it hurt so much?
I shook my head and bit back the tears, I wasn’t going to cry.
. . .
Ellie pumped two of her long, nimble fingers into me. She kept her gaze on my face as she roughly fucked me on my couch. I was close. So, so very close. But my release was elusive. She didn’t seem to mind though. She happily kept at it, maintaining a great pace. I was dripping, primed and ready to come, but for some reason, I couldn’t topple over the edge. I leaned up to kiss her and she kissed me back without hesitation, without delay.
I blindly reached out for her other hand which was playing with my nipples. I wordlessly brought it up to my neck. I guided her to wrap her fingers around my throat. She broke our kiss, ready to refuse.
“Please, I’m so close,” I begged desperately. I didn’t let her pull her hand away. Instead, I covered it with my own and squeezed. She wasn’t choking me. I was basically just using her limp hand to choke myself, but it didn’t matter. I came hard.
“Hannah…” She whispered out once I was no longer shaking. “Is that really something you want me to do to you?” She asked, her thumb was tracing random shapes on my collarbone. I could feel her staring at my neck.
I shrugged my shoulders, feigning indifference. I refused to look into her eyes after sex anymore. I felt too vulnerable. I felt like she would’ve been able to see everything I was hiding from her if I didn’t avoid her gaze. Honestly, the asphyxiation-thing was neither here nor there for me. I just knew it was going to help push me over the edge, so I did it. It was getting harder and harder to let her fuck me. Too many things were constantly swirling in my mind.