“Ismael…”
I opened my eyes slowly, and a room welcomed my sight. I saw myself lying on a bed, my wrists and feet chained. What the hell happened? Why am I here? Where am I now?
But as soon as I recalled what had happened, I felt a suffocating sense of anguish. No, no. This cannot be. That did not happen. Not my Ismael.
I remembered seeing Ismael’s face when he was searching for me in the casino. Just as I was about to approach him, someone swiftly covered my lips and removed me from the scene. And before I lost consciousness, I witnessed the Golden Red Casino erupt in flames and explode.
I sobbed loudly. “No, it is not Ismael. He is safe. He is not there. We’re going to get married.” I kept telling myself, trying not to go insane, but I couldn’t deny seeing him, and I knew he wouldn’t leave that spot until he saw me-no. Nothing occurred. It’s all a dream. Why is it like this? Wake up, Jothea. For goodnesssake, wake up!
I only cried more when I realized I was in reality. Despite my best efforts to prepare, my perception remains unchanged, including the misery I am currently experiencing. If I hadn’t gone to the casino, he wouldn’t have come to get me.
“Ismael… please…” My lips trembled as I whispered his name, praying that each time I said it, it would summon the strength to save him. God, please. Do not do this to me.
“So, you’re awake now.” I turned to face the speaker. I noticed Mr. Vargas, who was standing on the side of the bed where I was, watching me. I suddenly remembered the handkerchief he had placed over my mouth. He was the one who forced me to inhale a drug, which ultimately rendered me unconscious. “Did you like how I welcomed you?”
I scowled when I looked at him. What I had heard before was correct; there was something odd about him. It appears that Mr. Vargas is not the one talking to me. I don’t understand what he’s talking about. What kind of welcome is he conveying? Does he know I’m from a faraway country? I did not tell anyone the time and date I left and returned to the Philippines.
“It looks like you’re confused, Miss Alvandra.”
He gradually revealed his face, causing my hair to stand on end. He was wearing a mask, and the man behind it was Raviel, a person I held in deep contempt.
Anger shot into my chest. I could not stop shouting. “Fuck you, Raviel! Fuck you. What did you do with Ismael?! You’re an animal!” My eyes filled with tears. I need an answer. I want to feel at ease. I want Ismael to be safe and alive. “Why did you have to pretend that you’re Mr. Vargas? What exactly do you need from us? Why did you blow up your own business?”
“Because I know one day you’ll come back to find me, I killed Mr. Vargas, just to make sure no one’s going to hinder my plan.”
I gasped at what I heard. How could this man have murdered such a kind individual? I could not look at his face. I can’t believe one of my classmates could murder someone for selfish reasons that I don’t comprehend.
“You’re such an asshole! Even Satan would be ashamed of your sins!” I exclaimed loudly. “You once planned to kill me! Now you’re involving the innocent people! Even Ismael!”
He smirked. “Innocent people? I do not think so. That is a casino. How certain are you that they are innocent? The heavens may be applauding the fact that they no longer have to worry about those dirty humans as a result of my noble conduct. And Ismael? Professor Mondalla? How can you be certain he is a good person?”
“Ismael has a good heart that a man like you doesn’t have!”
He laughed aloud. His sinister chuckle reverberated throughout the room where we were both present. He even wiped his eyes, as if he had burst into tears from laughing so hard at what I said.
“Why are you speaking so highly of him?” He crawled across the bed to me. If I could have gotten out of bed, I’m sure I’d have slapped him. “Oh, because of that?” He grasped my hand and motioned for me to sit down. “He proposed to you in Europe. Huh!”
He tilted his head and quickly shifted his gaze to the darkest place. He stared at me as if I were the death he sought to grasp. He grabbed my chin forcefully. “That explains why you seemed to have forgotten about the ring we stole from you. Why can’t you stick to the plan? We tried to steal it to summon you, but you had a new one and declined. Roxsielle is correct; you are too opportunistic. You are offering your body to that man in exchange for money.”
“That is not true! I’ve never asked Ismael for money!”
He grinned and said. “Well, yeah. After all, he is using you, and it appears that he is succeeding in his goal. You even said yes to him. Your trip to Europe was not a waste.”
I frowned. “W-what do you mean?” I asked him hesitantly. How did he know we were in Europe?
“You still don’t understand it? Professor Mondalla is only using you and playing with you. His primary target is you, a woman with no family, no support, and a susceptibility to influence. Do you realize that he was the reason Professor Sybill was dismissed?”
I shake my head. “You cannot fool me, Jackass. You’re just trying to get me to believe your falsehoods. Ismael will not act on your speculation.”
He laughed. “You still don’t believe? Has he already conditioned your mind?” He pulled out an envelope from his pocket. “Look.” He showed me images of myself from my childhood to my time at Marcus University. My eyebrows were knotted. What the hell are these?
“Isn’t this man familiar to you?” He pointed to the man who was captured following me in every photo he displayed. I bit my lip. His face looks familiar to me. It was Mr. Tory. “Isn’t this man your lover’s secretary? He has been following you since then. Aren’t you convinced that the professor you admire is pursuing you like prey?”
I gave a gasp. “I do not believe you! So don’t waste your time, idiot!”
“Who cares who believes in me? Nobody truly believed me. It is up to you, Jothea, but before you condemn me to the depths of hell, I will leave this to you.”
He handed me his phone and played a call recording of a conversation between him and Ismael. I swallowed, concealing my apprehension.
“I know why you’re doing this, Raviel.”
My hair stood up as I heard Ismael’s voice.
“Yeah? I also know what your plans are. Unfortunately, I can’t give you what you want. You are taking advantage of Jothea.”
“And what does it have to do with you?”
My muscles tightened at what I heard. He did not refute it.
“She’s my friend and my classmate. I can’t just let her be with a geezer like you.”
I heard Ismael’s loud laugh-a laugh that broke my heart. Is he just trying to trick me? Again? Is everything really a lie?
My tears flowed to the side. It didn’t hurt like this when he left me. It hurts more.
“Oh, you’re funny, young man. At least she likes me.”
I gasped in disbelief.
“And I can give her the warmth her body craves, so mind your own business and find yourself a woman who can suck you.”
I closed my eyes. What’s this, Ismael?
“See that?” Raviel asked before turning off the recording. “He’s just after your body, and yet you’re delusional that he loves you. Do you think a man like him can love? You haven’t learned from Professor Sybill yet.”
“I don’t believe you. Ismael cannot do that. He loves me.” I stubbornly said to him and tried to convince myself as well.
What remains of me are hiccups between my sobs. How am I supposed to react to something like this? This is more of a nightmare than what I witnessed earlier.
I don’t want to believe in this. This is not true.
Raviel laughed again. He put his phone in my hand. I heard the shutter sound of the camera before he showed me the photo of my hand wearing the ring Ismael gave me. “I’ll send it to him, and let’s see if he’s going to come for you.”
He’s definitely going to come for me. Ismael will explain everything to me. I trust him.
“Now while we are waiting for him, why not give me the love you wasted on that man?”
My eyes landed on Raviel, who was now beside me. He held my cheeks and wiped those tears from my eyes. He leans closer while looking at my lips.
“Don’t fucking touch me, Raviel,” I warned, which made him chuckle devilishly.
He grinned, and for a moment he pressed his lips against mine. What he did shocked me. “Fuck, I know now why that professor doesn’t want to let you go. Your lips taste like cherries.”
He kissed me again while I closed my eyes in disgust. I want to throw up. Who the fuck gave him the right to kiss my lips?!
“Stop! What the hell?!” I try to keep my head away from him and push him, but because my hands and feet are tied, I can’t escape or fight at all.
“You let that user taste you, but not me? It was me who saved you in that explosion.”
“Let go of me! Son of a bitch!” I yelled.
“That’s what I want, brave. That’s why I like you, eh?” he added while wearing those deathful smirks. I couldn’t believe that someone as angelic as him, whom I once considered a friend, could do this to me.
“Stop it, Raviel; I’m begging you. Let me go! What did I do to you?”
“You have no fault with me, but your family? Your brother screwed my sister.”
He violently destroyed my clothes, so I cried even more, and he was annoyed because of that. “Stop crying, will you?! You’re ruining the mood! Stop acting like a kid and give me what I want!”
He pushed me down and laid me down before kissing me violently. My eyes are now clouded with tears. I was looking at the ceiling, waiting for Ismael to come. I just have to endure and wait. He will come. He will save me. He promised to protect me.
Are those promises all lies?
Raviel lifted my bound legs before pulling my pants up. Fuck. Why do I have no strength to fight back? Am I too dependent on the person I thought I could count on?
Ismael is alive, right? But where is he now? When will he come to rescue me?
Will he rescue me?
“Oh, fuck!” Raviel groaned when his flesh penetrated my walls. I could only close my eyes because of the pain of his actions inside me forcing him to enter, but my heart feels even more painful now. I can’t see myself experiencing this. Someone is raping me, and I don’t have the strength to stop him. I was drowning in the thoughts of Ismael not coming for me.
“At last, I finally tasted the heavens inside you, my Jothea,” he commented while still rowing his way to me. “Your tightness gripping my dick is insatiable. Why not suck me?”
My tears kept falling while praying that someone would save me from this situation, but how? Does anyone still value me enough to help me?
Ever since I opened my eyes to this world, nothing has gone my way. Even my family despised me and wanted me to die. They cursed me. The one who I once believed loved me betrayed me, and now that I fell in love again, he taught me that it was fun to live, used me, and fooled me.
Raviel landed next to me, wearing a smile that broke my heart. My heart is full of hatred and disgust. I was just staring at his face, sleeping soundly, and in my mind, I had already killed him several times. My vision darkened.
“What the fuck, Jothea?!” I suddenly found myself on top of Raviel, strangling him. Because of the shock, he could not move immediately.
“I’m going to kill you!” I yelled, then firmly grasped his neck. I saw the color drain from his face, and as soon as he lost consciousness, I immediately released him. I tried to get away from him. I searched for glass objects that could sever the rope around my wrist. When I saw a flower vase, I quickly shook it so that it broke on the floor. Using a glass piece, I attempted to sever the rope that encircled my foot.
“So you’re going to him?”
I was too stunned to move when I heard Raviel’s voice. I looked at him, and he was there on the bed, lying down. So he faked being unconscious?
“Then go to him.”
He came to me and picked up the bottle that was on the floor. I closed my eyes when he brought it closer to me, but I just felt the rope slowly loosen from my hand.
“Hurt yourself. See it for yourself. How stupid you are for him,” he added. “That man killed my parents. He was the reason we became orphans; Roxsielle and I had no choice but to be separated from each other.”
I stared at him for a long time before I stood up and left that place. I don’t know why he helped me get free from him. I will never understand how his shallow brain works.
My shoulder dropped when I left that room. The bitter tears finally flowed away. Ismael is not there. He didn’t look for me. He didn’t save me. It’s like I’m suffocated by reality, and it’s hard to breathe. How can I live now?
Am I expecting too much? Why am I hurting like this? Is it because I love him so much that for him, I’m just another person he can use as an excuse whenever he wants? Is that so? He said I should just trust and endure, but why, when I did, he wasn’t there for me?
He fooled me to believe in lies.
And here I am now, back where I belong-in my house, alone. Back to zero again.
I opened the door to my house without expecting anyone to welcome me. I went into my house, and again, there I cried and cried.
All I can remember now is my mother’s curse when I was little. It is her curse that I am living with. She cursed me to never be happy, and yes, it is happening now. I am not happy. I’m hurting. It hurts so much that I just want to disappear from the world.
If this is how it’s always been, why not end this life full of misery? I shouldn’t have slashed those ropes around my hands; rather, I should have slashed my wrists. I should have ended this when I had the chance.
I slowly walked to the kitchen, just like I did when I was young-so my parents cursed me.
I opened the lid of the LPG tank.
Being born into this life was never my dream. It is not my fantasy. I don’t want to live just to experience being hurt multiple times. This life shouldn’t have started in the first place.
If I had survived the explosion earlier in the casino, not this time…
I inhaled the gas that was leaking all over my house before I went to the storage room to get the cigarette cases I had piled up before. I knew it that one day I would be able to use it again.
I picked up a cigarette and a lighter.