As soon as the call ended, I released a loud groan of frustration.
“You okay, Cass?”
“Oh, hi,” I greeted Gray who was now awake and in our kitchen. I glanced at the digital clock. I noted how much later in the morning it was. “All good. My mom was just being annoying.”
“Wanna talk about it?”
“There’s nothing to talk about. She was just being negative, but it’s whatever, I’m so used to it by now. I’m good.”
“Okay, well, I’ll still make you my signature breakfast dish.” We’d shared countless meals already, but I had no idea what she was talking about… It sounded crazy, but I’d yet to see her cook any real food. Not once. “How do you want it: rare, medium-rare, well-done?”
Given that she didn’t eat meat, I knew we weren’t discussing steaks. I got up from the couch and approached her. “What are you making? Eggs?”
“What? No. Cereal…” Her exaggeratedly offended tone made it seem like my guess was completely illogical and the answer should’ve been apparent to all seven billion people around the world. “Duh.”
Despite how down I was feeling, I laughed. “Can you please explain to me what the hell medium-rare cereal is? That’s not a real thing.”
“Of course it is! Obviously, it’s cereal with a medium amount of milk… Fine, since you’re not being helpful, I’ll go ahead and make us two bowls of rare cereal ’cause as you know, I don’t like mine soggy.”
“Sounds good, chef, thanks.”
She winked at me and I watched her move around our kitchen. Many aspects of my life might’ve sucked, but I’d lucked out hard when it came to the roommate department. Not for the first time, I silently thanked the powers that be for allowing our paths to cross.
The closer the two of us got, the more convinced I became that her presence in my life was a present from the universe itself.
. . .
It was Gray’s twenty-sixth birthday. And since we’d started hanging out way, way more after her breakup… I’d come up with several fun plans for us to celebrate her special day together. On my phone, I had a whole list of options for her to choose from. Activities all over the city that she’d mentioned to me at one point or another.
Around the time she usually got up, I went to her room and woke her before her alarm could. I was being greedy, but though I’d already greeted her first last night (on the dot at midnight), I wanted to be the first one to greet her this morning, too. I was so excited to spend her birthday with her.
But the thing that I should’ve realized from the beginning was that Gray had a lot of people who were keen to celebrate her existence. Like if after just four months and twenty days, she was already my favorite person in the world and I was eager to spoil her rotten on her birthday… Then needless to say, the people who’d known her for much, much longer felt the same way, too.
After greeting her and hugging her tight, I asked what she wanted to do with her day. She informed me about her plans with her family and friends. She let me know her fully-booked, jam-packed schedule. Duh, Cassidy! Of course she was going to see her twin to celebrate their birthday. Then once night rolled around, of course she was going to meet up with her best friends at their favorite gay bar. And I was neither a Power Ranger nor was I dating one, so that wasn’t something I could just show up to.
On second thought, it was silly of me to assume I could monopolize her birthday. Flashing her a tight smile, I erased my first pitch and scrapped the visions of us in my head. Instead, I asked if she wanted to walk to a nearby restaurant, so I could treat her to a nice breakfast. A simple, quick plan she agreed to.
While we were eating, I took a video of her attacking a plate of insane-looking waffles covered in colorful syrups, powdered sugar and white cream. She winked at my phone’s camera. She took a huge bite then started doing some goofy dance with her eyes closed. Her bare, multi-colored shoulders moved to a rhythm only her body could perceive. The video was just too cute. I immediately posted it with the caption: ‘It’s Gray appreciation day! Happy birthday to the best roommate EVER! Love you so much!’ I ended that social media post of mine with a series of emoji: the heart-eyed one, the party-horn one and the kissy-face one.
Today wasn’t going to play out the way I’d been planning for weeks, but that wasn’t something I chose to dwell on. I just listened to Gray as she told me random trivia related to the number twenty-six. Like how a deck of cards had twenty-six red cards and twenty-six black cards. Or how a twenty-six-sided cube was called a rhombicuboctahedron, but a twenty-six-sided polygon was called an icosihexagon. In the end, the fact that our time together was limited made me appreciate being around her more.
Based on my train of thought, even when she inevitably left me for her other plans, I’d surely still be celebrating ‘Gray appreciation day.’
. . .
While I was doing dishes at Apartment 202’s kitchen sink, my ex-boyfriend hugged me from behind. He pressed a goodbye kiss on my cheek. “It was great seeing you, we should do this again soon.”
“Mhmm,” I hummed back, noncommittal.
Last night, during a wrap party at a dive bar my friends frequented, I’d run into him. Then I’d subsequently drunk enough tequila to convince myself that bringing him home wasn’t a bad idea. Ugh, this wasn’t even the first time I’d gone down this road with him… Life had already taught me this particular lesson a few times. Take it from me, drinking alcohol while thirsting for human connection was always a no-no.
That astrology post I’d read online was so right-no one should ever expect a Pisces to learn from their mistakes.
After the morning light had taken away my drunk-goggles, I regretted partaking in the idiocy known as ‘sex with an ex.’ He was still cute. Shaggy blonde hair, blue eyes, nice smile. He also knew my body well enough to make me come more than once (an advantage over a random one-night stand). And I didn’t hate our night together, but I did hate the breakfast he’d shared with me and Gray… To my roommate’s credit, she’d remained cordial in the face of so much ego-stroking from a virtual stranger.
“See you, Tracy! Oh and awesome tattoos!” My ex called out when he was by the front door.
“It’s Gray!” I corrected him, but he didn’t respond. As soon as I was alone with my roommate, I sat beside her at the dining table. I held my hungover head in my hands. “I’m a mess this morning, huh? Sorry.”
“No need to apologize. Like who hasn’t brought home a random lay after a fun night out. Hopefully, he was good in bed though ’cause that was one of the driest conversations I’ve had in a while.”
“He isn’t random, he’s my ex-boyfriend.”
Her eyes got wider. “Forget what I said. Like I was around him for five seconds… What do I know? Different strokes for different folks, right?” She backtracked. “I’m sure he’s a super duper fun and swell guy with his bros. Alright, I’m gonna-”
“Don’t go,” I interrupted her as she was standing up. “He’s just-”
“You don’t need to explain anything to me.”
“Okay, I don’t need to explain anything to you… But I need to talk to someone right now and I want that person to be you, alright? Please, please stay first.”
“Of course.” Nodding, she sat back down. “What’s up, Cass?”
I decided to be honest regardless of how pathetic it’d make me seem. “I’m just always so depressed this time of year, so I slept with him last night even though I knew it was a bad idea… I just figured he’ll be a good albeit temporary distraction from my own thoughts.”
“How come? Uh, I mean, how come you’re sad? I’m not asking about your sex life… ‘Cause of course your body, your choice.”
Despite her cute conversational fumbling, her look of concern assured me that I wanted to open myself up to her. As always, lowering my walls around her was easier than it should’ve been, easier than it’d ever been with anyone else. Nonetheless, my heart was still painfully slamming against the walls in my chest. Some things in life just never got easier to speak about… And even after all this time, what I was about to tell her next still killed a part of me every single time I said it out loud.
“When I was thirteen, my dad died around this time of year-sudden cardiac arrest,” I forced the bitter words past my lips. “He was thirty-eight… It was so unexpected since he wasn’t only young but also a fitness nut. He had an undiagnosed heart condition though and yeah, it is what it is.” In less than half a year, I was talking to her about something that’d taken me nearly three years to bring up with a therapist. “I know it’s a running joke that everyone in our generation has daddy issues, but the only issue I had with mine was that he was gone too soon.”
“I’m so sorry, Cass.”
“It’s okay. It was a long time ago…” My vision was blurry with unshed tears, but I still noticed she was about to hug me. “Please don’t touch me. If you do, I’ll start crying and we won’t get anywhere.”
Heeding my plea, she gave me a reluctant nod, and I let her see what broke and reshaped me into who I was today.
. . .
Disclaimer, if there was a ‘right way’ to discuss the death of a loved one, then I had no idea what it was. After I’d lost my dad, I went to grief counseling, but I didn’t find that experience helpful. Yeah, now in my late twenties, I understood that therapy was hinged upon introspection. But my teenage brain had despised the whole thing. While I was in the eye of the storm, I absolutely hated being forced to go to a place where all I ever received were questions during a time when all I needed were answers.