There are moments in life that change you forever-when you stop being who the world expects you to be and start becoming who you really are. For me, that moment was when I fell in love with a girl.
My name is Maxine Louise Hollowell. I am eighteen years old, and I’m in love with a girl.
Coming out of the closet was both the most terrifying and the most enlightening event of my life. For the longest time, I thought something was off with the way my brain worked. Every time I had a “boyfriend,” I felt so… wrong. There’s no other way to explain it. I felt wrong.
I moved around a lot throughout my school years-five times, between two schools: Greenfield and Mayview. I think it was in Greenfield during my seventh-grade year that I had my first crush on a girl. Her name was Sammi, and she had the most beautiful lips I’d ever seen. Her skin was naturally tan, her eyes were big and brown, her hair was black, and her body was voluptuous. I remember walking to lunch holding hands with her countless times. Sammi was, without a doubt, my best friend. But when I moved to Mayview, we grew apart.
It was in Mayview that I met my first real girlfriend-a lanky, blonde, green-eyed dyke named Kira, who was completely head over heels for me. She was the first person to introduce me to the idea of homosexuality, which I rejected for as long as I possibly could. But I was curious, and I found myself attracted to her. I finally gave in when Kira told me she was somewhat into a guy she met at a New Year’s party because she got totally wasted.
I remember telling her, “You’re gay. You can’t like guys.”
Kira, at this point, was trying to get over me. She said, “Why do you care?”
There was no escaping the truth after that.
A week later, I invited Kira over to my house for dinner and introduced her to my parents. We were sitting on my living room floor while my parents were outside grilling. Suddenly, I felt Kira’s hand sneaking under my waistband and into my panties.
“Wow, you really are cleanly shaved,” was all she said before taking my lesbian virginity.
I stressed so much over coming out to my parents that I couldn’t eat. I lost twenty pounds in less than a month. I was terrified they would kick me out, disown me, beat me-every worst-case scenario ran through my head.
Kira wanted to be with me when I told them, to hold my hand like Valerie and her girlfriend did in V for Vendetta. But as my weight dropped, my parents became increasingly worried.
One afternoon, they suddenly appeared in my room and demanded to know what was wrong. They knew Kira was gay, so they had to have their suspicions. I cried for hours before I finally told them-and I cried even more when they refused to believe me. They told me it was just a phase, that I’d be fine.
After that, they restricted my time with Kira as much as they could. Kira, being manic-depressive, would call me and say it would be best if we weren’t together. I remember being on the phone with her for hours, crying and begging her to stay with me. It was extra stress that I really could have done without.
About a year later, I moved back to Greenfield. Kira and I were still together, but she had met another girl-Elyse. Elyse was the destruction of my relationship. She manipulated Kira into believing she couldn’t handle a long-distance relationship, even when Mayview and Greenfield were literally fifteen minutes apart. The way it ended was what really hurt me.
Every other weekend, I would go up to Kira’s house and stay for a night or two. Usually, all we did was have “sex”-awkward, uncomfortable fucking on her couch. But that’s not why I hesitate to call it sex. Maybe I sound selfish for saying this, but I was always the one giving. Pleasing me always seemed like a chore.
Then one weekend, the very same day I arrived, Kira kicked me out. She admitted she had feelings for Elyse and told me I had to leave. Again, there was more begging and crying, but in the end, I knew it would just happen again.
That week was the hardest of my life. I got no sleep but still attended school every day. I broke down multiple times. If it hadn’t been for my ginger midget friend, Jordynn-Kira’s ex before me-I think I might have killed myself.
Months passed, and I found myself back in Mayview. That was when I started talking to a girl named Belle. She was a bit taller than me, with chin-length brown hair, chocolate-colored eyes, and a nose ring. She texted me one day and told me she was bi. She knew I was still recovering from Kira and offered to help me until I didn’t need her anymore. I was desperate just to have someone there for me, so I accepted Belle’s offer but told her to keep our relationship a secret. I’d heard rumors that Belle was completely psychotic, so I wanted to play it safe.
As it turned out, the rumors were true.
The first sign was when I discovered that, while dating me, Belle was also dating three other guys. I freaked out, feeling the same hurt and betrayal I’d felt with Kira. She cried and promised she’d break up with them if I didn’t leave her. I remained skeptical but decided to give her another chance.
Belle grew impatient with me because I never went to her house or did anything with her outside of school. I lied, saying my dad had me cleaning all the time because he worked a lot. But I only lied because I knew what Belle wanted-she sent me texts about how badly she wanted to have sex with me. I felt bad rejecting her, but I just wasn’t attracted to her, and I didn’t want to lead her on.
One day, Belle texted me from the park, asking me to meet her. I told her I couldn’t. Ten minutes later, she sent me a picture. She had carved the word HATE into her left arm.
Our pathetic relationship ended soon after that.
Then I met Emily-the tall, blue-eyed, glasses-wearing redhead of my dreams. I was always one for the gingers.
I came across Emily while browsing an LGBT support website. Her number was at the bottom of her profile, and I figured, what the hell, why not?
Not only was Emily beautiful, but she was also witty and poetic. The first few days we talked, it was nothing but poems back and forth. I had never fallen so hard for someone so fast.
Funnily enough, the same day Emily and I got together was the day Elyse and Kira broke up. The only problem? Emily lived in Oklahoma-one timezone away.
It’s been three years since Emily and I got together. Today will be the first time I meet her in person.
I texted Emily for the four-thousandth time in thirty minutes while stopped at a red light.
“Hey, I’m at the corner of your street.” I typed as fast as I could, tapping my fingers anxiously on the steering wheel of my stepmom’s Oldsmobile.
As soon as the light turned green, I sped down the street, searching for the white house on the right-just like she had described.
My heart skipped a beat.
There she was, sitting on the steps of her apartment’s front porch, grinning that sexy, crooked smile of hers as she stood to meet me.
Parking as quickly as humanly possible, I jumped out and ran into Emily’s arms, squeezing her tightly for what felt like hours. She was a good five or six inches taller than me-me, a short little 5’3″.
“Hey, Max…” she finally said, her voice soft and raspy.
I pulled away to look into her eyes, and my heart broke. “Oh, babe, don’t cry! You’re gonna make me cry too…” I reached up, cupping her cheek and wiping away a tear with my thumb.
God, she was so beautiful.
Standing on my toes, I leaned in and kissed her for the first time. She was soft and sweet.
And I couldn’t wait to have more of her.