“Eat, Alexis,” she says quietly, and I comply. I polish off some olives and tomatoes, and enjoy my glass of wine. It’s a cool Spring this year, but the day is warmer than others so I don’t suffer too much. I eye Robyn, and wish yet again that my metabolism was a bit more active. I ruefully pluck at my jersey.
“What’s bugging you?” Robs asks, sipping her chardonnay.
“Nothing important. Just wishing I could show as much skin as you can without freezing.”
Robs rolls her eyes good-naturedly. “Take it from me, Lexi. The way that jersey clings to you leaves nothing to my imagination.”
“Really?” I ask, intrigued.
“Ya, really,” she mouths.
I grin. “I’ll try to find more like it.”
“The pants are nice too. You look good in linens. I should abduct you and drag you off on my pleasure yacht.”
“You own a yacht? Why did you not inform me of this rather important fact?” I ask, playing along.
“I was worried you’d take me for a pirate,” she returns. “Yarrrrrr.”
I laugh. “After my booty?”
“Oh god, Lexi. That’s a terrible pun.” Robyn leans back and shakes her head in despair.
“You set it up, it’s your fault,” I respond, and stick my tongue out.
“I suppose I did at that,” she says, ruefully. “I’ll chalk that one up to the wine and the company.”
—
We sit, watching our garden. The occasional bird flits through our patch of sky, and one of our resident squirrels scampers along the back fence, pausing only long enough to ensure we’re no threat. Robs reaches out and puts her hand on my knee, squeezing it gently.
“Are you going to talk, or do I need to soften you up first?” she asks, seriously.
I sigh.
“I wouldn’t normally rummage around, Lexi, but you’ve got me worried enough that I’m prepared to.”
I shift slightly on my seat so I’m facing her. Her face is serious; her eyes fixed on me.
I shrug. “It’s just been a long time since I’ve felt like I truly belonged, Robs. So very, very long.”
“You’ve always belonged with me,” she answers quietly.
“Yes… I know… but until you let me have you I thought… well, I thought I’d be alone. Romantically, I mean. Andrew hurt me too much.”
Robs growls something profane under her breath, and shakes her head. “He’d better pray I never see him while I’m behind the wheel of the Peugeot,” she mutters. “I’ll turn the fucker into a hood ornament.”
I smile, sadly. “Don’t, you’ll get yourself locked up and I’ll be a sad panda.”
“I know, Lexi,” she sighs. “I just… I can’t forgive him for what he’s said about you and done to you.”
“You should be happy. It means you have me,” I say.
“I know, I know. But there’s a principle at stake here,” Robyn declaims. “Men like that deserve to be run over, skinned, and turned into upholstery.”
“They can’t help it. Show them some fluff and they lose their minds.”
Robyn snorts. “I know I’m probably being unfair. But… he hurt you, and that makes me mad. So I’m going to hate him with the rage of a million suns no matter what you say, so there.” She takes a sip of wine. “But yes. I’m glad you’re single.”
“Am I?” I ask, playfully.
“Well, to the outside world, yes. To me… Lexi, if siblings could marry I’d ask you in a heartbeat. I’ve loved you my entire life. Ain’t going nowhere, and definitely don’t want anyone else ever.”
I manage a husky “Thank you” after a while. The words Robyn just said have stirred me in a way I can’t describe; and it takes a physical effort not to climb into her lap again. I take a shuddering breath. “You… you always know how to say the right things to me. To make me strong.”
“Balls, Alexis,” she says brusquely. “You’re the strongest, most steadfast person I know. You don’t need me to make you like that.”
“You’re wrong,” I say, quietly.
Robs squints at me.
I sigh, and reach a decision.
“Come inside. I can’t talk about this out here.”
—
Robs shoots me a puzzled look, but stands and helps me up. I lead her in through the doors and to the lounge, where I sit on the sofa and pull her down next to me.
“Lexi?” she asks, after a while.
“Just thinking how best… ah, sod it.” I respond. I turn to face her. “I wasn’t ever going to tell you this. But I figure you’re stuck with me now… so you deserve to know.”
I take a deep breath. “I used to think about hurting myself, Robs. A lot. Almost all the time really. And I still have bad days. Today was almost a bad day. Almost, but not quite.”
“Hurting yourself… how?” Robs asks, eyes narrowed.
“Hot baths and razor blades.”
Robs inhales and exhales, deliberately.
“Did you ever try?” she asks, levelly.
“No. Almost did once. Chickened out. Knew you’d be the one to find me. Couldn’t do that to you. Not after all we’d already been through with Mum and Dad…”
“Why?” she asks, quietly.
“Because,” I whisper. I take a shuddering breath. “Because it’s dark outside. So very, very dark sometimes. And there are wolves out in the trees. And they’re always trying to find their way in.”
She takes my hand, gently. “Are they there now?”
“No,” I say, shakily. “My music keeps them away. And now I have you as well.”
“Are you ever going to hurt yourself?”
“No. Not now, not after us.”
“Would you tell me if that changed?”
I struggle to meet her eyes. I can feel the burning tears. I feel ashamed of this weakness.
“Would you?” she asks, again.
I nod, unable to answer. She reaches out to gently stroke my cheek, and then pulls me forward so my head is pillowed on her chest. She holds me like that as I breathe, trying to fight back the urge to cry. I manage, somehow, and Robs lets go of my hand so she can gently rub my back for me.
“You know I’ll never abandon you, don’t you?” she whispers. I nod.
“You know you can talk to me about everything, don’t you?”
I nod again, sniffing, and reach out to squeeze her against me.
“Ok then. We’re not going to mention this again. I’ll go off and kill all of those fucking wolves and you can go back to being my super sexy has-it-all-together sister, ok?” she says, following through with a kiss on the crown of my head. I make some sort of affirmative noise. Robs rubs my back a few more times.
“Move over, Lexi,” she says. I comply, and she drags the pillows off the sofa, and then lies down against the backrest. She pats the space in front of her invitingly, and after a small hesitation I join her, pillowing my head on her outstretched right arm, feeling her strong midriff shifting against my back as she wraps her left arm around me and pulls me hard against her.
I slowly unwind a bit, slowly relax.
“Why did you never tell me you were hurting so much?”
“You had enough to deal with.”
“I had more than enough free coping ability to help you, Alexis.”
“I felt like it would be selfish. I’m the older sister. I’m supposed to be the adult. Not you.”
“News flash, Lexi-love. I’m all grown up.”
“I know, pumpkin. But… I didn’t want to be a burden.”
“You’re never a burden to me, Lexi. Never will be. You’re only ever going to be the single most important person in my life. So it’s best you make peace with the fact that you’re never going to be rid of me.”
I sigh, and press back against her.
Robyn’s hand moves slowly up, stroking my stomach gently. Then, she teasingly rubs a finger over my right nipple.
I feel it stiffen, and I wriggle. “Robs. I’m confessing my sins. Not my lusts.”
“Sorry, Lexi. Can’t help it. Holding you like this always makes me want you.” Her finger drifts away, and I can’t help but let out a deprived moan.
“I didn’t say you should stop…” I hint softly.
Her finger pauses, and then resumes its orbit of my now-erect nipple. I swear I can feel her grinning into my back.
“Yeah, yeah,” I say, quietly. “I can’t help that I’m addicted to you.”
“Makes two of us.”
“You’re addicted to yourself too, huh?” I ask, amused.
“Oh yeah, baby, I can’t get enough of my loving,” she drawls into my back. I laugh at that, and squirm round, rolling over to face her. I love watching her face while she’s looking at me; she gets this deliciously intense look in her eyes. It turns me to goo.
Her blue eyes have pale flecks of gold scattered like freckles around her iris. Her stare has always been frank – Robyn’s emotions are usually very visible.
Right now, though, I can’t read what she’s thinking.
“Aren’t you ever scared about the future?” I ask her, seriously.
“No. Never have been, never will be.”
“Why not?”
“Because I know I can handle the world. Ignore most things long enough and they go away. Plus, now I have you. And I know there’s nothing that can happen to us that we can’t handle together.”
“Really?”
“On my honour. Which, now that I come to say it, is kind of amusing given I lost my honour to you, you vile succubus.”
I snort. “Succubi prey on men. I’m not sure what I am.”
“I’m sure I can think of a term.”
We lie there, just looking at each other for a while. I find myself remembering the gangly awkward girl that she was; always nestled in a corner with a book or reading the National Geographic magazines that Dad subscribed to. I sigh. That girl’s mostly gone now. She had to leave her childhood behind far, far too soon.
I reach out to stroke her cheek. “Sometimes I regret that we both had to grow up so fast.”
Robs shakes her head, irritated, and reaches up to grab my hand.
“Lexi. I didn’t have to, I chose to. You made the world safe for me. I could have stayed a little girl. Don’t blame yourself for something that has nothing to do with you, alright? I chose. And I’m glad I did. I’m glad you and I were able to have an adult relationship before this… because it means I have the authority to spank your ass when you’re being silly.”
I smile, wanly. Robs gives me a mock-glare, then squeezes my hand and releases it so that she can stroke my hair out of my eyes.
“Seriously. If you’re feeling guilty about anything, it should be that you waited so long to open up to me.”
“This is a bonafide case of the pot calling the kettle black, you know,” I answer.
“I never claimed to be logical,” Robs answers, and sticks her tongue out at me.
“Do that again,” I dare her.
She sticks it out again, and wriggles it around. I laugh, and lean into her. The kiss is slow and gentle to start with. I close my eyes, the better to feel her against me. I know she’s enjoying it because I feel her shift closer to me; feel her arms draw tight behind my shoulders. I open my lips slightly, letting her in. She teases the tip of her tongue gently along my upper lip, and I shiver.