That suggestion brought me neither the agreement I had hoped for, nor the additional rain of blows that I had fully expected-and also wanted, to be honest. What it did buy me was total silence and four suspiciously narrowed eyes.
“What?” I asked, trying to hide a sinking feeling that I…
“That was his voice of experience thing again,” Carla said to Beth, who nodded.
“Alistaire, darling,” Beth cooed in a terrifyingly sweet voice. “Secrets are sometimes fun. Sometime they are even sexy. We are even letting you get away with fucking us both behind each other’s backs. But this story you just hinted at sounds much too juicy to be kept quiet.”
“And I’m dying trying to imagine what you are talking about, or when, and especially with who,” added Carla. “Give!”
Fine. I could still keep this story in reserve to blow the dudes’ minds at some point. I might as well blow Carla and Beth’s minds now. Revealing the Mary and Maddie tale might even advance the plot, so to speak… I’d have to think about telling Bridget, though. If I ever did, it would require either a very special occasion, or very desperate times.
I took a deep breath. “All right. Did I tell you that Mary has an identical twin?”
They both just looked at me. In awe. At least I think it was awe.
“You had a threesome with twins?” Carla asked, too stunned to even put inflection in the words.
“No,” I replied patiently, as if to a child. “I had sex with each of them, back and forth. They took turns watching towards the end,” I added helpfully. “They were just as adamant as you two that we were not going to have a threesome.”
Their eyes just widened.
“Though I do have to say, they had a lot more justification in refusing the full threesome experience than you two,” I grumbled.
They mutually decided to ignore my last comment.
Carla just held out her hand and motioned, wordlessly demanding the details.
I gave the details to them. Fully.
As I wrapped up the story, I realized that they both were still hanging onto me in one way or another throughout the whole thing.
“Al,” said Beth slowly, momentarily forgetting my new shitty moniker, “I want to call bullshit so hard. And I would if I did not have enough, ahem, hard evidence to know you are telling the god-damned truth. You, sir, really are living a tale out of myth and legend.”
“Aww, shucks,” I said, trying to emulate my old shyness. “Thank you. And don’t forget,” I added, kissing her cheek softly, “you are one of those legends!”
Carla was sitting there, arms crossed at this. “That was the most obscenely conceited compliment in history,” she growled.
Beth seemed the tiniest bit flushed. “I know,” she said. “But it kinda worked.”
“You are a legend too, babe,” I said, and turned to her. At the last second, Carla twisted her head, turning my intended peck on the cheek into a full-on, if brief, liplock.
“It does work,” Carla sighed.
With the two of them so momentarily flustered, I felt this was an ideal time to return to the subject that, out of the blue, had become the center of my mental world. “So, my legends,” I said briskly, “about consolidating our activities together…”
Spoiler Alert: I had not, in fact, chosen an ideal time.
They both just laughed at me. I’ll admit, I probably looked a little crest-fallen. I really had gotten insanely spoiled lately.
“Tell you what, hot shot,” Beth said. “If you really want to have a “full threesome experience”, how about you bring me another guy to the table. Then we will talk about things.”
Uh, no.
Carla sniggered. “Why don’t you invite Ben, Alistaire? You guys know each other. It’ll be like old home week,” she suggested slyly. Beth started to laugh, when Carla added “And he is the only one of your friends Beth ever talks about…”
Was that a gleam I saw in Beth’s eyes, hidden in the outrage? Given the kind of guy I had always seen her date or hang out with, I’d have thought I already more than filled her Geek Quota. (Quite admirably, no doubt. Ahem.) But maybe I did not… Good luck, Ben.
However.
“Beth,” I said to her seriously. “There is no way on God’s Earth that I am going to make out with Ben Fucking Schmidt. Even if we were to do it right on top of your gorgeous naked body.”
Both the girls laughed uproariously at that.
At which point, the door opened (no one knocks at my school), and Ben Fucking Schmidt walked in.
“Hey, I thought I heard laughter,” he said, with a smile filled with naive interest. “What’s up tonight?”
We all three collapsed into laughter this time.
Now Ben was bewildered, and came fully into the room, closing the door. “I give. What the heck is so funny?”
We just kept laughing, and Ben started getting pissed.
Beth got control of herself first. “Sorry, Ben. I’m really sorry. We aren’t laughing at you. It’s just that it seems Alistaire has more secrets.”
“Beth!” I hissed in sudden horror. She wanted to tell Ben, of all people, that I was fucking them?!?
“Oh come on, guys,” Beth wheedled to both me and an equally horrified Carla. “Secrets are so much more fun when you share them. Alistaire, you’ve had the fun of the reveal. Please let me and Carla share in seeing someone learn about the Mary situation.” She looked at me and then displayed depths of manipulation I had never experienced. “We want to watch,” she said, with all the subtle innuendo I could imagine.
Carla didn’t miss that innuendo, and I certainly did not. I swallowed.
I was so relieved to hear that Beth meant telling the story about the twins and not about us that I just relaxed, instead of still stopping this like I should have.
“Wait,” said Ben, apparent comprehension dawning on his face. “You only just now told the girls about Mary?”
“Sit,” Beth said, indicating my office chair sternly.
Ben did. Like I used to (probably still do, actually), he usually did what pretty, assertive girls told him to, at least on the rare occasions when they told him to do anything.
“So, if you guys already know about her, what then?”
“What stinker here,” Carla said, jerking a thumb at me, “did not tell any of us was that Mary is an identical twin.”
“No…” Ben breathed, comprehension already dawning, though dimly.