“What happened, David?” she asked, and David told her what had happened.
“I stayed last night, we were fine, but when she woke she just suddenly looked at me like I was a complete stranger, started crying and pushing me off, almost having hysterics, and she just looked terrified. She called me Mark. Who’s Mark?”
Shelagh sat down and sighed.
“Mark was her first, her true love… and her older brother. I thought she’d gotten over him by now, apparently not. Jesus Christ, what a fucking mess!”
David spoke slowly. “So, Julie had an… affair with… her brother?”
Shelagh spoke sharply. “Yes she did, and she doesn’t need reminding of how badly it ended, nor does she need anybody moralising at her about it. You have a problem with that?”
His voice immediately became placating.
“No, no, it explains a lot about what just happened. She asked me if I was Mark, then panicked, so obviously she had some kind of flashback. Christ, he must have hurt her! Poor Julie, carrying that around inside, I wish I’d known, maybe I would have taken it slower with her, I dunno…”
Shelagh’s voice was a lot warmer. “You weren’t to know, she’s had boyfriends after Mark, something else set her off, maybe it was because you slept with her, maybe the last time was with him, I don’t know. Anyway, I can’t leave her like this. I think it would be better if you went, she’s obviously confused and frightened, I’ll call you later, when I can get some sense out of her!”
David sighed. “Of course, just make sure she’s OK, she looked at me like I was about to rape her or something, I hope to God I never see a look like that on a girl ever again, she was fucking terrified! I think you’re right. If you get her dressed, I’ll make myself scarce, obviously something about me scared her rigid; I don’t want to set her off again!”
I closed my eyes, the panic subsiding as I listened to Shelagh talking, dear Shelagh, she’d help me find Mark!
When I woke, it took me a moment to work out where I was; the last clear memory I had was of being in bed with David, so where the hell was he?
I could hear the TV, so I got up and went looking for him, finding instead Shelagh watching TV with a bowl of corn chips and a jar of chilli dip.
“Morning, Jules, how you feeling?” she called out to me, eyes fixed on Speedy Gonzales.
I went and stood in front of her, blocking the TV.
“Shel, what happened, why are you here, where’s David?” I asked her, and watched as she assembled an answer.
“Jules, David called me; you were in a mess, you spazzed-out on him, frightened the life out of him… and called him Mark…”
I sat down heavily. “Oh fuck. Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck! What else happened, Shel?”
“That’s about the size of it. You two did the wild thing last night, then when you woke up you went bat-shit, spazzed-out, and turned into Hannah the Hysteric. David was mega-freaked by it, especially when you called him Mark, so he called me, I came over and got you calmed down, because you were completely off your trolley. David had to leave, he was freaking you out for some reason, and he was really good about it. I told him about the Mark thing, he needed to know, the poor boy thought it was his fault that you’d suddenly gone Ding! This one’s definitely a keeper!”
I was mortified to think that David knew about my sordid secret. I was even more mortified to hear that I’d thought he was Mark, and that Mark obviously still had such a hold over me, even after all this time.
“What am I supposed to do next, Shel, I mean, with David, and…?” I trailed off. Shelagh was looking at me pityingly.
“Jules, as long as your head’s still wrapped around Mark, no-one, not David, or anyone else for that matter, is going to have no chance to get to you. Also, it would probably help if you didn’t pick a succession of blonde guys who looked like Mark!”
That brought me up short. Was I just looking for a Mark substitute, a man who looked enough like him that I could pretend it could be him? Was that what my head was telling me, that I couldn’t even fool myself? What was I supposed to do now?
I asked that of Shelagh, and the answer she flipped-off didn’t really solve anything.
“Jules, I find meaningless sex answers most of my questions about life, the universe and everything, you’re welcome to try my world, I know a couple of great places… No? Suit yourself, the offer’s there if you need it. If you’ve finished with David, though, let me have him, you weirded-him out big stylie, I think he needs to walk on the wild side for a while!”
We had coffee together, Shelagh giving me the kind of pep talk that only old, old friends can get away with.
“You need to talk to David, soon, and you need to let him down gently, ok? This relationship of yours is going nowhere, and it’s not fair on him; you know what you’re doing, and he deserves better than that. Let him find someone who actually cares about David because he’s David, not because he looks like Mark! Every single guy you’ve dated since you-know-who has been tall, blonde, blue or grey-eyed, sound like anyone you know? This has got to stop, this is destructive and weird, he’s gone, and trying to make someone else into him is wrong and pointless, and bloody unfair on them! Give yourself a break, Jules, let him go!”
I was in tears; she was right of course, I hadn’t let Mark go at all, I’d made him into my perfect man, carved him into my heart, and I couldn’t let go of that, otherwise I’d have nothing left of him at all, and that was too much for me to even consider, even after what he’d done to me.
Shel held me as I tried to tell her all this, making soft soothing noises as she stroked my hair, hugged me and tried to console me.
“I know, baby, I really do, and I feel for you so badly, but he’s gone now, he’s been gone two years. I don’t know what went wrong there, but one thing I do know, he’s not coming back, so please, let him go, you have to! Now, you and Nia and I are going to find a bistro, have brunch, have many, many espressos, and sort out your life, ok? Good, now get your boots and socks on and let’s go!”
As we were leaving, there again, on the doorstep, was a bunch of flowers, the same purple hyacinths, orange blossom, maidenhair fern, and a single primrose, with a card addressed to me. I picked it up and climbed into the Mini for the short drive to the Morrison household to get Nia. When we arrived there, all was in uproar. Jamie and Nia had found their own place, and were coming and going with the easily portable stuff, packing it all into their dad’s car, so we retired to the kitchen to sit with her mum while Nia repacked the car yet again. While we chatted, Nia’s mum picked up the bunch of flowers and looked at me quizzically.