“When I knew I was having you, I should have taken a coat hanger there and then, got rid of you once and for all! I never wanted a slut like you; I knew you’d do something like this! Mark was a good boy, a decent boy, he was innocent, and then you got your filthy hands on him, your own brother, you dirty, filthy conniving little slut. You’re not normal, not decent, not like my Mark! Get out of my house, GET OUT!” I thought she was going to hit me again, and I wasn’t going to stand for it, not this time.
“Don’t you fucking touch me!” I yelled at her, “Mark, help me!”
He sat there, refusing to meet my eyes, looking straight ahead, and my whole world collapsed around me, everything I thought would happen, all the good things we were supposed to have together, just ashes and dust. Mark had abandoned me; he’d taken me, made me his, done things to me I would never have let anyone else do, and now he wouldn’t even look at me.
She stalked over to the front door and wrenched it open. “Out, you, this is no place for whores, you don’t live here, so don’t ever come back. Mark has apologised for letting you lead him astray, and now he’s going away; you’ll never see him again, you’ll never be able to get your filthy disgusting hands on him again. Now get out!”
I grabbed my coat and left, my head spinning at his betrayal; everything he’d said to me, everything he’d promised me, all the things we’d do, they were lies, all he wanted was a pair of legs to lie between, and he’d treated me like a whore afterwards, blanking me as I left, making no effort to help me.
Right, fuck him, I thought, I have friends, people I know I can rely on, people who won’t treat me like dirt, who won’t cast me aside.
It was past midnight, but I didn’t know who else to call, so I called Shelagh, to beg a bed for the night.
I gave her the basics, that mum had thrown me out, and asked her if I could stay a while on her couch, I tried to tell her the rest, but the tears got in the way.
“Stay there, Jules, I’m coming!” she said, bless her.
Five minutes later I saw headlights, and there was her battered old Mini. I climbed in and she looked at me wide-eyed. “Christ Jules, what the hell happened, where was Mark, why didn’t he stop her?”
I tried to tell her that Mark was the reason I was there with her now, but nothing would come out, just more tears, Shelagh hugging me until the worst of it was over, then she put the car into gear and moved away, taking me back to her place. As we passed the only home I’d ever known, I saw a fleeting glimpse of Mark at the window, his eyes meeting mine for a split second before we were gone. Shelagh spent the entire drive back to her place muttering under her breath, her eyes spitting sparks.
We got back to her flat, and Shelagh immediately made us something hot to drink, made me comfortable, and sat down with me.
“Right, Jules, tell me from the beginning, just what the hell happened, and what’s going on with Mark?”
I told her, expecting her to be disgusted, revolted, tell me to leave, but she did none of those things; she just listened, with just the occasional gentle prod when I faltered, until the whole pathetic, sordid story was out.
I finished, and stared at her, waiting for her to tell me to get out, that I made her sick, anything, but she just looked at me levelly.
“Say something, Shel, anything!” I pleaded, “Aren’t you disgusted, or sickened by me? I am!”
Shelagh hugged me.
“I won’t judge you, you’re my best mate, and I don’t blame you, Mark was too cute for words, it was kind of waiting to happen, if my brother was that hot, I’d have jumped him too, so you’re not alone, sweetie! I’m more worried about what you told me about your mother; I never knew she was a lush; why didn’t you tell me? That time you got bopped in the eye, I always thought it was you playing volleyball, I never knew she’d done that to you; I’d have done something to her if I’d known, I’d have sent my mum round to give her a kicking, for starters, right after Nia’s mum finished with her!”
She got up and paced around the room.
“I’m also puzzled, no, worried by this whole Mark thing; 5 minutes after he’s swearing eternal undying love for you he’s looking right through you; something’s really wrong there, she’s done something, or said something, or made some kind of threat, I guarantee; Mark’s just not like that, I’ve known him almost as long as you have, and I’d have said, after Jamie Morrison, he’s probably the sweetest boy alive; I’d bet my life on it; do you really think he’d fuck and run like that? Honestly? Mark adores you, always has; no, something else is going on, something nasty, I’d bet on it, so I’m not going to judge him just yet, much as I love you, Jules. Of course, if I’m wrong, I’ll cut his balls off myself, with a blunt knife nobody fucks over my friends and walks away whistling!”
I stayed with Shelagh that night, sharing her big bed with her so I could cry properly, having waking nightmares about my mother and what she’d said about her twisted coat-hanger, asking what I’d ever done to make her hate me so much my whole life, why did I mean so little to her?
I called in sick next morning, saying I’d be taking a few days. I wanted to try and find a way to put my life back on track, and I needed somewhere to think and plan, to put something together that might pass for a life after mine had been destroyed so comprehensively. Shelagh was a tower of strength, a real source of comfort and positive attitude, and a good person to help you hate if you needed to share, so we stuck pins in that bitch mother of mine for a little while, getting her out of my system.
Nia was also aware that things had gone really bad at home, and that I was staying with Shelagh, but I didn’t want to burden her, she was having enough of a problem with her final exams in school and moping over Jamie while he was away at university. I needed a place of my own, and Shelagh came up trumps there; her landlord had a property available, a little two bedroom ‘worker’s cottage’ in Clapham Old Town, and Shelagh recommended me, Nia’s dad gave me a reference, and I moved in three weeks after mum kicked me out.
I tried to reach Mark, to ask him why he had to tell me he loved me, and to ask him if I had ever been anything to him, or just another lay to boast about with the guys at work, but when I called his phone it came back disconnected, and when I called his office they told me he’d been transferred, at his own request, and sorry, no, unless I was a client of his, they couldn’t tell me his location or put me through. He really had severed all connection with me, left me all alone in the world. All I ever had was him, and now he was gone, my own real Lost Boy, and I cried for him, even though he’d trampled on my heart and treated me so shamefully. One day, I would find him, if only to ask him “Why?”