‘Whoa, Robs, calm down! I wasn’t talking myself down!’ she protests.
‘Yes, you were, and don’t you ever dare do it in front of me again!’
I get up and storm back into the lounge, to flump down and stare at the fire. I can feel the embarrassment at my overreaction crawling its way up my throat to my face. But I sit and sulk.
It can’t have been long before Alexis walks through to the lounge.
—
‘Mind if I sit?’
‘Knock yourself out, Lexi.’
She lowers herself down on the blanket next to me. I shoot her a glance, then look away.
‘Sorry for upsetting you, Robs. I was just teasing.’
‘Maybe, but it hurts me when you talk trash about yourself.’
‘Why?’
‘Because you’re my awesome big sister and I hate that you might not love yourself as much as I love you.’
‘Robs, listen… ‘
‘No, you listen, Lex. You’re an amazing, caring, gentle woman. You stayed here to look after me when you could have made it big elsewhere. I will not sit here and listen to you talk yourself down. You’re gorgeous. Repeat it after me!’
Lexi gives me an odd look, but recovers and assumes a naughty schoolgirl pose. ‘You’re gorgeous’, she says seriously.
‘Alexis!’ I yell, and hit her with a pillow.
She laughs, leans back out of range of my second attack, and then suddenly hugs me fiercely, taking the wind out of my sails. ‘And you,’ she whispers, ‘are just as gorgeous. So here’s the deal. You stop talking yourself down, and I will to.’
‘I don’t!’ I protest.
‘Yeah, you do, and you know it.’ she responds. There’s not really that much I can say.
Lexi pulls her legs up under herself, and stares at the fire. ‘I’m serious, Robyn. I don’t know why you’re so anti-people. You’re a stunning woman, if you’d only comb the twigs out of your hair.’
‘My twigs!’ I mutter. ‘Mine.’
She laughs again, and pats me on the head. ‘Any more of that whisky left?’ she asks. I go grab us both a tumbler, then come and sit back down next to her.
‘Thanks’, she says, and sips it. She pulls a face. ‘Never understood how you could drink this stuff’.
‘It’s Dad’s favourite’ I say quietly. She glances at me, then sighs. ‘Didn’t know that’ she murmurs.
‘Do you still miss them?’ I ask her.
‘Every second of every minute of every day’, she responds tiredly.
‘I was so angry with them, Lexi. So angry. I couldn’t believe they did something so stupid. Why drive through that storm, knowing the roads haven’t been gritted?’
‘They wanted to get home’ she says. ‘Clever people make silly decisions every day. Sometimes that catches them out.’ I stare into my tumbler. Lexi reaches out and wraps an arm around me, pulling me closer.
‘Do you regret being saddled with me?’ I ask, quietly.
‘What?’ she exclaims. ‘God, Robyn, no! You’re my sister, of course I’m not saddled with you, you needed me and I stayed for you!’
‘But you had a chance at an awesome life out there’
‘My life is here. I’m only twenty four, Robs, plenty of time for me to explore the world!’
‘But you’re here and lonely.’
‘Less lonely than I’d be without you.’
I sigh, and drain my tumbler, then fetch the bottle and refill it. Lexi eyes me, then drains hers as well and presents her tumbler for a top-up.
‘You sure?’ I ask
‘Hit me’ she says, so I do. She’s a lightweight, but we don’t have anywhere to go, so what’s the worst that can happen.
‘Fire needs more wood’, she volunteers after a silence. I oblige and build it up. She arranges the pilfered sofa pillows for us and we both lie back.
‘So have you kissed a boy?’ she asks.
‘Not this again!’ I protest.
‘I’m curious!’ she responds. ‘Humour me, it’s cold outside, it’s just the two of us, and we’re getting drunk and spilling secrets, so you can spill this one!’
I grumble. Then think. ‘Maybe once, at a varsity party.’
‘What!’ she exclaims. ‘Seriously, you’ve never kissed a guy?’
‘Lexi!’ I protest. ‘Why does it matter, good god!’
‘Robs, are you…’
‘Still a virgin?’ I finish for her. She blushes, guiltily. ‘Yeah. I am. Unless you count my regular liaisons with Mr Palm and his five lovely sons’
‘Robyn’ she shrieks, laughing. ‘Oh god, I’m sorry, that hilarious. But seriously, what?’
‘Never felt the need’ I mutter. ‘My lady parts are just fine by themselves.’
‘But surely you’ve wanted to?’, she asks.
‘Alexis, seriously, I’m not going to get into this with you right now!’
‘Oh Robyn,’ she sighs, theatrically, and slumps back onto the pillows. I turn my head to watch her. She’s got an impish grin.
‘It’s the best feeling ever’, she says, after a moment.
‘What, kissing?’
‘No, sex.’
‘Lexi, seriously, you’re starting to make me feel really uncomfortable.’
‘Why?’ she asks, raising herself onto an elbow and looking down at me. ‘Why does this make you so embarrassed? Don’t you find it interesting to talk about sex?’
‘Of course I do,’ I protest, ‘but you’re my sister!’
‘So?’ she asks. ‘Surely that means you can talk with me?’
‘Lexi, please stop.’
‘Why are you so afraid to open up to me?’
I sit up abruptly and stare at the fire. I knock back my whisky, refill it, and knock that back too, gagging slightly as it burns its way down to my stomach.
‘Robs?’ she asks, quietly. ‘I’ve never seen you do that before. What’s going on?’
‘You want to know why I’m sad? Why I’m a loner? Why I don’t open up? Because. Because I’m still a virgin. Because I like girls.’
There’s a silence. I close my eyes, feeling them start to burn. This isn’t how I imagined telling her.
Lexi clears her throat. ‘I thought you might. Why’s it taken you so long to tell me?’
I start to shiver as the sobs come. ‘Because I was scared, dummy!’ I yell. ‘I had nobody to talk to about it. I would have been expelled if it had been discovered. And then if I’d told you you’d have left me I’d have nobody left! I’d have… been… alone’
‘Oh Robyn,’ Lexi sighs, and scoops me up. ‘Shhh. Oh god, Robs, I wish you’d told me sooner. I’ve suspected for years, love. What made you think I’d leave you?’
‘Because everyone else has!’
I’m not too proud to cry. I just try not to because it hurts so damn much. But Lexi is there, holding me till itaTMs over. It still hurts like hell. But like everything it passes eventually.
She gets up and disappears, returning with tissues which I promptly decimate, sacrificing the used ones to the fire. Lexi grabs another blanket which she wraps around my shoulders.
‘I must look lovely right now,’ I manage.
‘Stunning’, she winks at me. ‘Bright eyed and bushy tailed.’ I choke, then cough, then laugh.
‘How long?’ I ask, after a while.
‘At least three years, possibly longer. You never talked about boys and you never mentioned girls who were friends. Then you left your Mac around one day and I was inquisitive.’
‘Oh god’ I mutter.
‘Yeah, that’ll teach you’ she grins. ‘Your browser history was interesting. I learned a few things.’
‘Lexi!’ I yell, helplessly.
‘What?’ she says, innocently. ‘You left it unlocked and you know I’m nosey.’
‘Nosier than I thought’. I make a mental note to start clearing my history frequently.
The fire crackles a bit.
‘Kissed any girls?’ Lexi asks.
I sigh. ‘No. Never had the chance. I liked a girl desperately. Never plucked up the courage to tell her. It’s for the best.’
‘That’s a pity’ she says. More silence. ‘I’m going to shower’ she announces, as she stands and stretches. Lexi stretching is something else. She rises onto her toes, arches her back, tilts her head and reaches up as if she’s trying to fly. It’s like ballet, and like always I watch her. She’s always so graceful. ‘You going to be up a while, Robs?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Ok, see you in a bit then.’
—
I curl up, watching the coals and mentally picking at the jagged bits inside me. I feel exhausted yet somehow better for it. Truth be told I’d always dreaded this moment. Lexi must have known. I wonder how long she’d been plotting on how to yank me out of the closet.
She’s always been able to know what I’m thinking.
Unbidden, the image of her and Andrew comes to me again. I shift, uncomfortably. I’ve seen Lexi undressed far enough to have a reasonably intimate knowledge of her body, and in my current state it makes me very uneasy.
Her breasts are small. Stop it. Her mid-shoulder length blond hair is tousled. Stop it, Robyn. Light sheen of sweat on her skin. Mouth open, eyes closed. Stop it, Robyn. Stop it.
To distract myself, I throw more wood onto the fire and pick up a magazine. Furniture. Couches. Settees. Beds. None help. I squeeze my legs together in frustration and groan. I have a suspicion that I’m highly sexed, but practical experience has, alas, been lacking, bar self-exploration. I’ve always had a visual imagination, hence the porn links on my laptop. Thank God she never found the fiction, I think to myself.
I’m too drunk to go for a run and too horny to shut my mind down. Desperate times, desperate measures. I lie back down on the floor, drag the blanket over me, and unbutton my pants. I slip my hand down under the waistband of my briefs (more comfortable than panties) and try to relax. As always, I’m ridiculously wet and my finger slips effortlessly over the hood of my clitoris; but release eludes me and my frustration wars with the faint haze of alcohol, with alcohol winning. I feel warm and safe, if frustrated, and less wound up than I can ever remember feeling. Clearly opening myself up to Alexis has removed a major stressor from my life.
I don’t even remember falling asleep. At some point during the night I snort awake, finding myself under some additional blankets. Lexi the blanket fairy must have visited while I was sleeping. I roll over. The fire is still flickering and by its light I can see Lexi asleep on the couch, under some more blankets. Odd – she usually only sleeps in her own bed.