I wished the others weren’t there. I wished I could be alone so I could kiss him like I wanted to. I wish there was a hell of a lot less clothing between us.
Instead, I turned bright red and marvelled at the ring. It wasn’t an engagement ring, but it was more than good enough for the moment. I leaned across the space between us and gave him a quick kiss and whispered in his ear I’d thank him properly later.
Then I remembered my manners and turned back to Helen. She seemed quite pleased.
“Thank you, Helen. It’s beautiful,” I said.
After lunch we were content to just walk around downtown Kingston. There were bands playing, plenty of events, and activities set up to celebrate Canada Day, so it was a nice way to kill a few hours. Plus it was sunny, but with enough a breeze to not make it too warm. Still, Daddy fussed with making sure I had enough suntan lotion on. I grumbled but he bought me cotton candy which distracted me. I had come out the other end of being Little and was pretty much back to normal, which was a relief. Trying to function like that in public was hard.
At one point Helen got wrapped up talking to a group of ladies showing some antiques. Daddy and Meg saw some game of chance I didn’t recognize, but they did and it apparently reignited a rivalry that dated back to their time in university. Daddy apologized and I laughed and told him to go kick her ass.
That suddenly left me alone with Mike. I looked up at him and suddenly felt a bit nervous for the first time in hours. It was weird; it was like looking at an older, but serious version of my Daddy. And I know Daddy and Meg and told stories about how he could be a difficult man to warm up to, but I found myself liking him anyway. I could tell he was trying to change.
“Kit, would you mind going for a little walk with me? If I stand here long enough Helen is going to rope me into a home decorating conversation with those ladies and I’m going to have to pretend to be interested in old tables,” he said.
I laughed, said sure, and we ambled away from the others. Meg could text me when they were looking for us. Besides, I had the feeling Mike wanted to talk to me away from the others for some reason.
“So how big of a scare job did Meg and Ben put into you about me?” he asked.
I looked down at my feet for a moment. I mean, I’d already managed to piss off Helen once during their stay here. What was I going to say to him?
Shit, when in doubt…. and when you’re a bad liar…. just go with the truth.
“They said you were a good man, but that you worked hard and had high expectations of others. And that sometimes that caused some…. stress between you and Ben,” I said, hoping I wasn’t about to piss off potential in-law number two in as many days.
To my surprise, he just nodded his head.
“That’s a fair description of who I was,” he said. “But I think it’s a bit unfair to have told you that. I think you’ve put a huge amount of pressure on yourself the last couple of days.”
No kidding, I thought. We were ambling down Ontario Street and every now and then I caught him glancing out towards the river and smiling. Kids with maple leaves painted on their face ran past us laughing. I suspected we looked all the world like a grandfather taking his granddaughter for a stroll. It made me smile a bit.
“I love your son an awful lot, Mike. And I think I managed to offend your wife yesterday, so I really don’t want to upset you as well.”
“You didn’t offend her,” he said.
I must have shot him a pretty skeptical look because he laughed. Then he took a deep breath and sighed.
“She was upset because she didn’t realize she was doing it until you pointed it out. Then she was pretty deeply mortified. And then a little scared. We were planning on giving you the ring anyway. A little ‘welcome to the family’ gift, but I hope you’ll take it as an apology. Neither one of us are particularly good at saying we’re sorry, I’m slightly ashamed to say,” he said.
There was a lot to unpack there, but one word jumped out more than others.
“Scared?”
He said nothing, but we turned off the road and headed down towards Battery Park. There was an unoccupied bench and he aimed for it. We sat down and I waited for him to speak.
“After the…. accident, we obviously grieved with Ben. But after a few months he was still not coming out the other end of it. And I just didn’t get it. I didn’t. That’s just who I was. She died, you grieved, you moved on. I didn’t understand why he couldn’t,” he said.
“Oh Mike.”
He shook his head and I knew he was ashamed of himself.
“I know. Four months in and I yelled at him to get over it already. And he didn’t yell at me. He didn’t scream at me. He just stood up from the couch in our living room, came over, looked me in the eye and said, ‘Mom’s going to be gone one day, Dad. What will you do then?’ and he just walked out. We didn’t speak for months afterwards.”
I didn’t know what to say.
“Have you ever had a moment of clarity, Kit?” he asked.
I shook my head.
“You only ever get a few of them in your life. I had one when I met Helen. One when I held Ben for the first time. And I had one right after that conversation. I’d worked 50 hours or more a week for more than 40 years. I love my job, and I’m very good at it. ‘Lawyers don’t retire, they just die’ is a joke I used to make. Helen never laughed because she didn’t think it was a joke; she thought it was what was going to happen.
“But Ben said that and I suddenly realized I only had so much more time with Helen. And then what? More hours at the office until they found me slumped over my desk. I was horrified by the thought of it. Horrified.
“So I semi-retired. I put in a few hours a week, mostly mentoring articling students. I suspect I’m driving Helen nuts being around so much. We’ve had our routines over the years. She’s used to her groups and volunteering, and suddenly I’m trailing after her like a lost puppy. But I should have done it years ago.
He stopped talking for a moment and looked out over the river. He started talking again, but didn’t look at me.
“She’s…. forgetting things. And becoming a bit more confused and frustrated,” he said. Then he looked at me and I could tell it was an effort for him to not get upset. “Do you understand?”
I nodded, and then managed to find my voice.
“Do you know for sure?”
“No, not for sure. Not yet,” he said. “We took Ben out this morning because we wanted him to know his mom was getting some tests and tried to be vague. He knew something was going on by the way his mom was behaving around you, so we had to tell him something. He knows we’re not telling him everything, but he’s letting it be for now,” he said.
I reached out and placed my hand on top of his. He took it and gave it a squeeze.
“I like you, Kit. You’re funny and full of life and I think that’s exactly what Ben needs. He’s night and day since you came into his life. I’m not going to lie and say I wasn’t worried at first about him dating someone so young, but I’m pleased to be wrong. You’re a ray of sunshine and I’m grateful you love my son,” he said.
“But I need to know you’re going to be strong enough to be there for him if things get bad with Helen. He fell a long way last time. I don’t want that to happen again.”
This was a lot to process. It’s not that he was asking a lot of me. I love my Daddy. Being there for him was a given. He joked ‘For better or for worse’ at Disney, but I’d marry him in a heartbeat if he asked. Insane, maybe. But I loved him and I couldn’t imagine finding a better man. I was just trying to figure out how to be there for him.
I took a moment. I looked at my hand and the new ring on it which glowed in the sunshine.
“I love your son so much I’m already dreading having to go back to school in September,” I said. “I’ll still see him on weekends and, if I know him, he’ll end up coming up to Montreal if I’m struggling or anything. He’s the kindest man I’ve ever met,” I said.
“He gets that from his mom. It used to drive me nuts as much he was like his mother. Now, I thank god for it.”
“You’re too hard on yourself. A lot of the good things you have I see in him. He’s smart, organized, cares about the job he does, and he loves me, just like you love Helen, I think,” I said.
At that he did turn away for a moment, and I could see him take his hand and run it across his eyes for a moment. I remembered being frustrated a few days ago at them coming here and taking away precious Daddy time. Now it felt like the most selfish thing in the world.
That was the moment my phone chose to buzz. I glanced at it. Meg.
“Where are you and Mike?”
“Went for a walk. Heading back now.”
I hated to disturb him, but as I looked up from my phone he was already composed and beginning to stand. A little redness in the eyes was the only clue he had been upset. He held his hand to help me up. I took it and stood beside him.
He still loomed over me, much like Daddy does. But I looked at him and tried to emphasize how serious I was.
“I love Ben. I’ll be there for him, I promise.”
He gave my hand a squeeze and let it go.
“Thank you, Kit. That’s all I can ask,” he said. He then waved his hand back to the street.
“Shall we head back? No doubt by now my wife has bought an antique table that I’m going to have to try and figure out how to get back to B. C.,” he said.
I took his arm and we began walking back.
***
Daddy looked a little confused when we eventually came back, but Mike just said he wanted to get to know me a bit better and to tell me embarrassing stories of when he was a kid. Daddy looked skeptical, but when his father leaned over and quietly said “I wanted to apologize to her about your mother”, he nodded.