Luka
With Anna taken away to ultrasound, I’m left with nothing but my thoughts swirling through my head and making me sick with worry. I decide to get up and ask the nurse at the nurse’s station where my brother is as I’ve had yet to hear a single thing about his condition. I had myself established as his contact person, and I’ve been expecting to hear from somebody at least in the last hour.
I awkwardly approach the nurse’s desk, and she glances at me with irritation as I step up to her. “Hi, my brother was rushed here for a gunshot? I’m wondering if there’s something you can tell me about his condition,” I ask, waiting for an answer as she finishes a conversation with somebody on the phone.
“Sir, we get like ten gunshots a day,” she replies as she claps the receiver back into the phone. “You’ll have to be more specific.”
“His name is Leo. He was shot in the abdomen,” I say, already beginning to lose my patience with her.
“Oh, he was taken up to surgery. I’m not sure which doctor was assigned to his case, but if you’re listed as the power of attorney, we’ll be sure to give you updates as they come,” she replies.
“Okay, thank you,” I say, heading back into Anna’s exam room. Having seen so many gunshots before, I had a feeling he would be taken to surgery. I know his odds aren’t good, especially being shot in the abdomen like that.
Having my brother in surgery and Anna in ultrasound makes me feel more alone than ever in my life. Even though my brother and I hadn’t spoken in ten years, he had quickly become my closest confidante. I think it actually made Pavel jealous. Having Leo back around has been surreal in the best of ways. I feel like I might have been able to truly heal from his betrayal.
Not only could I lose my brother today, but I could also lose the love of my life. I never even knew I was capable of loving someone so much, and I love Anna so much that it hurts. Seeing her and her sister go would be just as difficult as being betrayed by my brother.
Sitting in this hospital reminds me of when I had to bring my best friend to the hospital for an overdose. The feeling of abject loneliness encompasses me as I watch the atmosphere move with the influx of patients and staff. Watching families come in for one kid’s injury or stomach pain makes me think of my future with Anna and our child. What would I even do if it was my own kid in the hospital? It’s not something I’ve ever thought about, and it terrifies me now.
Anna comes back an hour later, and despite the topic at hand, she seems more than happy to see me. I want to run up to her and hold her close to me. It takes everything in me to hold back.
“When will we know something?” I ask her, helping untangle her IV tubes.
“She said ultrasound is usually one hour,” she replies, and I can see in her eyes that she’s fighting the urge to reach out and grab the sleeve of my shirt for comfort.
The nurse leaves, and Anna’s eyes meet mine as she waits for me to give her an answer, to explain how I’m going to get us through this.
“They took Leo to surgery, and that’s all I know for now. I’m really happy you’re back,” I say, brushing her hair behind her ear.
She doesn’t pull away, but she doesn’t lean into it either. “I was gone for barely an hour,” she replies softly.
I sit back in my chair, trying to collect my thoughts as they threaten to scatter again. “Listen, an hour was long enough for me to spend thinking about what’s going on with us, and all I can say is that I’ve never been in this position with anybody in my entire life, and of course, the idea of raising a baby terrifies me,” I begin.
“You’re not exactly reassuring me right now,” she says, curling up into herself. She looks so vulnerable and exposed in that damn hospital gown. She’s probably freezing.
“Hold on, let me finish,” I say, holding up a finger. “It terrifies me, but it’s something I want more than anything when I think about doing it with you, Anna. I’ve never felt this way about anybody before. All of my past girlfriends were vapid and shallow; all they wanted from me was my money. They never loved me. For the first time in my life, I feel like I know what love truly feels like,” I continue, trying to keep my own emotions under control as they begin to bubble to the surface.
Anna pauses for a moment before she responds, and I can see her growing emotional as well. I can’t even imagine the kind of stress she’s under, having had this living thing inside of her all this time and facing the possibility that she’s lost it.
“If you truly mean that, I need some kind of promise. Some kind of reassurance that you’ll be present for our baby, that you won’t be disappearing for days on end to stake out some guy and shoot him in the face,” she replies, choking down her tears as her voice breaks.
“I don’t think you understand Anna. I’ll do literally anything it takes to keep you. I’ll put Pavel in charge of things. I’ll take on more men to keep myself out of the line of fire. I can’t risk losing you at all,” I say.
I hate to sound like I’m begging, but at this point, I am. I’ll get down on my knees if I have to. Anna is worth so much to me, and I would die if I lost her.
After a brief moment of silence, Anna nods. “If all of that is true, then I’ll stay. I miss you all the time when you’re gone, Luka, and you’re gone a lot. That needs to change. This isn’t just us having sex and sleepovers all the time anymore. This is real life,” she says.
A tear rolls down my cheek, but I wipe it away quickly. “I’ll change. I promise. I’ll do anything, but you need to give me time to sort out what happened today. We still don’t know what’s going on with Leo yet.”
“If you need space to clear your head, then take it. I want this to work out. I love you, Luka,” she says, and she reaches out for me to come to her.
I get up from my seat and join her in her hospital bed, holding her close as I avoid lying on top of her tubes and wires.
“Can I actually have your jacket? I’m freezing,” she asks, and I return to my chair to get my coat for her, lying it over her body and watching her dissolve into it.
“It smells like you,” she says, smiling as she buries herself into it.