Millie
It’s been a few months since Erik broke in and was killed in front of me, and it’s taken a tremendous amount of work for me to feel safe even just existing in the apartment again.
The whole point of me coming here was to be safer, both for myself and for the baby, but now I feel just as much at risk as I ever did. While I don’t think anybody from the club would ever come after me, I’ve seen enough of Viktor’s ambivalence towards death that I know he attracts danger.
On top of that, it’s getting harder and harder to conceal my changing body, especially with Viktor being hornier for me than ever. Sometimes it feels like he gets upset when he arrives home and I’m wearing clothes. I’ve made the lame excuse that I might be gaining weight because I’ve been eating at work too much, but of course, this just makes Viktor believe I should quit working altogether.
I figure that the best way to find out how it feels to grow up like this is to ask somebody who has seen it personally.
I arrange a lunch date with Katya, who has become one of my closest friends despite her father’s clear disdain for me for stealing Katya’s husband or something. Katya, fortunately, has a brain of her own and has decided to accept me with open arms.
We meet at an Italian place that Katya suggests on the north side of the city. I’ve learned by now that Katya values high-quality food and having experiences, which means I have to dress the part whenever we go out together. If there’s one thing that Katya isn’t, it’s low maintenance, which is something I’ve grown to appreciate about her.
For a change, I arrive before she does, and I find us a table by a large window on the second floor where I know she would insist we sit anyway.
As I’m waiting for her, I observe a couple in their mid-forties who appear to be on a date together. They look exhausted and don’t appear to be very engaged with each other at all. I wonder to myself if they have kids, if they had to schedule this date weeks in advance to find a babysitter. If so, I’m wondering if they feel that the effort was even worth it.
Would it be worth it for me?
Katya arrives, and she’s overdressed as per usual, but I have to admit I’m a little jealous of her ability to constantly look put together. I don’t know how she has the energy to always look like she’s about to be photographed from every angle.
She’s always so excited to see me, which contrasts heavily with the female friends I’ve had in the past and took some getting used to. Now though, I always jump up to hug her as soon as I see her, and it feels good to know that I have someone in my life that I can trust who isn’t my boyfriend.
But do I even trust my boyfriend? It’s hard to say.
“You look amazing, you bitch!” I say sarcastically as she sits down.
“Oh my god, stop it, I just came from school, and I spent the entire day studying for my exams. I’m a mess,” she says, clearly her own version of exhausted.
She orders a drink for herself, glancing at me questioningly when I don’t do the same.
“Come on, just have one with me! We’re celebrating life,” she jokes, taking her first sip and melting into her drink as soon as she receives it.
“Yeah, that’s actually what I wanted to talk to you about,” I say sheepishly. Katya will be the only human being on the planet to know that I’m pregnant, and I realize I’ve never had to say it out loud to anyone. I turn white as I steel myself for the conversation.
“Is everything okay?” she asks with concern in her tone.
“Um, I’m not sure. That’s what I needed to talk to you about,” I reply, taking a deep breath before I finally say it.
Katya’s eyes widen in expectation.
“I’m pregnant, and you’re the only person who knows now, so congrats,” I say, feeling that ever-present ball of anxiety in my stomach growing.
“Oh my god, what? That’s amazing! Have you told Viktor yet?” she asks, taking another sip of her drink and placing it down a little too hard on the table.
“I haven’t, actually. I’m not really sure what to do,” I admit, and I wait for her to chastise me or gasp in horror that I could keep such a secret from the man I sleep next to every night.
“What do you mean? Viktor obviously has the means to take care of you both, and he’s always wanted a family even if he doesn’t seem like the type,” she replies.
“I mean, he definitely doesn’t seem like the type in a lot of ways,” I reply, uncertain of whether or not she understands my subtext.
“Oh, you mean with all of the underground business stuff?” she says, completely unbothered.
“Shh! Yes, that’s exactly what I mean. There’s no way that can be safe for a kid, right? I mean, you grew up that way. What was that like?” I reply, anxiously skimming the menu so that I can force myself to enjoy something.
“Well, it wasn’t whatever you think it is. I can already tell you that much,” she replies, finishing her drink and glancing back at the waitress anxiously for another.
“You never felt like you were in danger?” I ask, feeling as if maybe she doesn’t fully understand my question.
“No, never. I didn’t even know what my dad really did for work until I was twenty. Before that, I thought he was an accountant,” she replies, laughing a bit.
This is absolutely not the response I was expecting to get from her. I thought there would be some hesitation to talk about it in the first place. She seems completely comfortable with the topic.
“That’s crazy, I just… I thought that you would have been in a lot more danger than that as a kid, being around all of that,” I say, hoping that she doesn’t take any offense to what I’m saying. Now that she’s confirmed the opposite of my suspicion, I’m unsure how to proceed.
“No, my dad was very protective of me growing up, but when I realized why, it made me appreciate how much he risked to give me a good life. I’m sure your child would feel the same way with Viktor as a father,” she says.
“One thing you’ll want to consider, though, is that he’s definitely not going to let you work when you’re pregnant,” she continues, her expression growing less excited and warier now at this new variable.
“Damn it, you’re right. He’s already so damn protective of me. He even wanted me to quit working just because my ex followed me home,” I reply, feeling the temporary relief I had been experiencing disappear.
“Sounds like that’s something you need to think about then, especially since he really can just take care of you. He would love to do that. He’s always wanted that,” she responds, reaching over to take my hand.
I know she’s right. Viktor has been nothing but sweet to me, and I’ve never felt any indication that he would harm me. He’s only ever expressed that violence towards people who threatened me, which should make me feel more secure with him. At the thought of raising a family with him, I’m suddenly overwhelmed by the excitement of being able to tell him about the baby.
But not yet.
The moment has to be perfect, and I’ll know when that moment is when it comes. I just have to be patient and let my excitement settle in so I know that I’m not acting on impulse.
I think everything is going to be alright.