Helen
Mark moved us into an empty room, and he was calm. So calm. He left us for just a minute and when he came back he had a notepad and a pen and some tissues and a jug of water and some glasses. He let Lizzie take all the time in the world.
He was brilliant. Kind, and steady, and strong, and I thought I already loved him as much as it was possible to love someone, but I was wrong. It made me love him even more.
She told him as much as she could tell him, and I filled in the blanks when she couldn’t speak.
She told him how Ray started looking at her when her mum wasn’t home. How he’d buy her cigarettes and pretend they were secret friends. How he started asking her for favours, because that’s what friends do. How he would get her drunk and tickle her, and then how he made her show herself to him, and put her hands on him, and act like it was all just silly drunk fun.
How he crept into her room at night and raped her as she cried. And then did it again, and again, and again. How he told her her mum would never believe her, and he’d call her a slut and say it was all her fault.
How he told her she really was a slut and wasn’t worth anything. How she believed him.
It broke my heart, because I should have known. I just didn’t want to know. I wanted to believe she was all ok and everything was great, even though I’d see it in her eyes… this something. This horrible, sad, desperate something.
I should have known, and it would eat at me forever.
Mark didn’t push her, he just let her speak and asked the right questions. In that room he was Mr Roberts again, and I felt the worry disappear.
He does that. He makes everything feel ok, even when it’s really not. Like he can shoulder the weight of the world and you’ll be safe.
It made me cry happy tears amongst the sad ones, just to know Lizzie was so safe. And I knew he was made for this.
I knew I could never take him away from this, from all the people who needed him, all the people who relied on him, all the strength and the compassion and the brilliance he had to offer.
I could never steal this life from him, I’d rather give up my own.
When Lizzie was all talked out she was much calmer, and her eyes dried up. That’s when he did what he needed to do, and I don’t really even know what that was, and it didn’t matter.
Lizzie’s mum came in, and I left, and after a few minutes Mark left, too, and I saw Kathy Thomas hug her daughter, and cry, and they were both crying. And I cried, too.
And then there were more people, more kind people. Police, too, a lovely lady with a nice smile who told Lizzie it was all going to be ok.
Mark left when it was time, and Lizzie smiled at him like I’ve never seen her smile at anyone. She said thank you and she meant it, and he smiled back like he cared, and he meant it, too.
He led me into another room, a smaller room, with just files and certificates and one little desk, and I could feel him, so close. There was nothing in the world I wanted more than to hold him.
“She’ll be ok,” he said. “We’ll make sure of it. Everything’s going to be fine.” “Thank you.” I hugged myself and kept my distance.
“You did the right thing.”
“I should have known what was going on.”
He shook his head. “She didn’t want you to know. This isn’t your fault.” “I still should’ve known.”
“You can’t blame yourself, Helen. You did the right thing and it counted, and she’ll be ok now.” I took a breath. “She’ll be ok now because of you.”
“No, Helen. Because of you, you gave her the strength to talk about it.” I nodded, but I didn’t really feel it.
“Helen, please look at me.”
I did, and it made my heart hurt. “I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t be here. I promised my dad, I swore to him…”
“There’s no need to swear anything to anyone,” he said. He pulled out an envelope and it made me feel sick, even before I knew for sure what it was. “I’m going to hand this in, and I’m going to leave this place. I want you to come with me. We can go wherever you want, and do whatever you want to do. I’ll come to Aberystwyth, if that’s what you want. You can stay in dorms with Lizzie if that’s what you want, and I’ll just be around, or you can move in with me.” He sighed. “Whatever you want, Helen. Whatever that is.”
I couldn’t breathe. It stopped my heart.
As much as I wanted it, and oh God, how much I wanted it, I just couldn’t. I was shaking my head as the tears fell. “No,” I said. “You can’t.”
He smiled. “It’s just a letter, that’s all it takes.” But he couldn’t. I wouldn’t let him.
I took the letter from his hands and I ripped it up and put it in my pocket while he stared. And he was confused, so confused. “You belong here,” I said. “You’re good in this place. You’re really good. And people need you, and you love it here.”
“I’ll love it wherever you are.”
I shook my head. “Maybe at first, but to give up so much, that isn’t fair. I won’t let it happen.” “I think that’s my decision,” he said.
“You love this place, you love that house!” “Yes, and I love other things, too.”
I stepped away, clearing as much distance as I could. “What about Anna? What about the memories? Dad would never let you stay. He’d hound you out of everything, believe me.”
He flinched, but didn’t falter. “So be it. I don’t care.” “You do care!”
“I know what I want, Helen.”
I focused all of my resolve, everything, on this one tiny moment. This one tiny moment where I could do the right thing. For him.
“And I know what I want,” I said. “And I want you to stay here.” He scoffed. “You don’t mean that.”
“Yes, I do.”
“That’s just guilt, and there’s no need for it.”
“Maybe it’s guilt, maybe it’s because my heart knows you, and knows you need this place as much as it needs you.” There was a flash of pain in his eyes and I saw it. “Helen, stop it. Please.”
“I can’t.”
“I’m going to have to print out a new letter now.” “Please don’t.”
My tone took him aback. “Don’t do this, Helen. Please don’t buy into that shit from your dad. He can hound me out if he wants, and I’ll go gladly, but I won’t have you dragged into his pathetic reasoning over a guilty conscience.”
I pulled my shoulders back. “You need to stay.” “I do not!”
“You need to stay,” I repeated, “and you need to help me. Because I need to know this is ok, and I need to know I didn’t ruin everything for you, and I need to do my exams, and I can’t…” I fought back the tears. “And I can’t do that without you… because I’m not that strong…”
“I don’t need to work here to help you finish your exams, Helen!”
“I know, but you will be working here, and I want you to help me finish them anyway.” He put his hands in his hair. “This is insane. This is totally, absolutely insane.”
“It’s not… it’s the right thing…” “No, it isn’t.”
“YES IT IS!” I took a breath and lowered my voice. “You’ve grown into this place and it’s grown into you! That’s what you said! The soul of the place, the soul of the land here. And Anna! You said you could never leave! You said you wouldn’t ever want to!”
“Things change, Helen. And I’ve changed my mind.”
I folded my arms and shook my head. “You haven’t changed your mind, your hand has been forced, that’s all.” “It doesn’t matter why. The fact is I’ve changed my mind, circumstances don’t really matter.”
“You’re a teacher. A brilliant one. So, please, I’m asking you, please help me finish my exams… because I can’t… I can’t do this otherwise…” The tears came back and I hated it. I had to swat them away with my cuff. “I’m not going to take everything from you, so you may as well not hand in your resignation, because I won’t be coming, and I won’t be there watching Dad ruin everything for you. I just can’t do that.”
“Don’t be ridiculous!”
“I’m not. It would happen. I know it would happen.” “And maybe it wouldn’t be that bad!”
But it would be. It would be that bad.
“Please, Mark,” I said, and I didn’t even swat the tears away this time. “Please don’t hand in your resignation. Please don’t.”
“Helen…”
“Don’t,” I said. “I’m asking you, please, don’t do it. Maybe we can wait… maybe one day… maybe Dad will see…” “I’ve had enough of listening to this, Helen. I’m going to Kenneth’s office and I’m going to tell him I quit, and that’s the end
of it.”
“Then I’ll fail my exams, because I won’t be able to come with you, not without Dad going ballistic and setting the whole town on some crazy fucking witch hunt, and if I can’t come with you, then I’ll be here on my own… and I don’t want to be here on my own…”
“Fucking hell,” he hissed. “Don’t make things like this. It doesn’t have to be like this.”
“It does!” I played my final card, and I hated myself for it. “I’m not a baby, don’t treat me like one!” He raised his eyebrows. “I would never treat you like that.”
“Then let me make my own decision. If you resign, then I’ll be forced to come with you and watch Dad ruin everything, or stay here and die inside and face my exams alone.”
“Or we live happily ever fucking after, Helen.”
But nobody ever lives happily ever after. Not with a twenty-year age gap and a dad like mine. “Tell me you won’t resign.”
“I don’t think I can do that…” He was hurt and angry and I hated it, I hated everything. “Please, Mark, tell me you won’t. Promise me you won’t!”
“I can’t fucking promise that, Helen!”
“PLEASE! Mark, please!” And I covered my face and I cried, and I cried and I cried until I heard him swear under his breath.
“That’s really what you want?”
No, it’s not what I want. It’s not even close to what I want.
I made myself nod. “Yes, that’s what I want.”
It took him a long while to speak again, and when he did it was full of frustration, and pain, and rage.
“Ok, Helen. If that’s what you want. I won’t hand in my resignation.” His eyes ate mine up. “But I’m going to keep a letter in my pocket, and the minute you change your mind, the second you change your mind, and I really do fucking hope you do, I’m going to hand it in, and we can put all this silliness behind us.”
But I wouldn’t.
I’d never ask him to walk away from his life like that. Not for me.
Not ever.