Mark
The horrible fear was teetering on the edge, threatening to consume me, but I kept my head. “How can I help, Jenny?”
She was pulling a face, a puzzled face, and she was troubled. Her stance made it obvious, the fold of her arms, too. She took a couple of steps forward and looked to the door as it creaked shut behind Helen.
“Mark, what was going on there?” My blood ran cold. “Going on?”
She sighed. “You know the girl has… feelings for you. You’re putting yourself in danger being that close to her.” I could feel the pulse in my temples. “We were trying to find paint thinner, Jenny, like I said. Things toppled.”
“It was more than that,” she hissed. “Mark, I’m your friend, I don’t want to see your career suffer because of some silly schoolgirl crush. She likes you, she’ll be looking for any sign, any sign at all that this is more. Don’t give her any. Hell, Mark, she’ll be the ruin of you if you’re not more careful.”
Oh the irony. It made my stomach flip.
“Helen understands our professional relationship. She’s never crossed any lines.” “Yet, Mark, yet. Her whole demeanour was provocative, she was burning up.” “She’s always flushed.”
She raised her eyebrows. “Always?”
I shrugged. “Jenny I appreciate your concern…”
“Jesus, Mark, the girl’s not as innocent as she looks, open your bloody eyes, man!”
Her outburst took both of us aback, and she pressed a hand over her mouth as I startled. I stooped to the floor, picking up the toppled cans with my heart in my throat.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “I just don’t want to see this happen to you, you’re a good teacher. A good man.” “Nothing’s going to happen to me, Jenny,” I said. “Helen’s got her feet on the ground, she knows the boundaries.” I felt like such a horrible bastard for denying everything, but all my thoughts were for Helen.
Jenny was shaking her head. “I can’t let this happen to you, Mark. I’m going to have to speak with Kenneth, let him know we need to put some precautions in place around that girl.”
“Precautions?!”
“She’s unstable, Mark. After the winter ball, that scene with Harry Sawbridge, and now this… You shouldn’t be alone with her. For your own sake. It’s not professional.”
“Stop!” I said. “Jenny, just stop it.”
“I can’t, Mark. It’s going to end badly for everyone if this carries on.” She sighed. “You’ll thank me for it one day.” “Don’t count on it.”
Her eyes widened at my words.
I struggled to explain. “Helen’s a great student, in the middle of her exam preparations. She doesn’t need your well-meaning interference.”
“It’s not her I’m looking out for,” she snapped. “It’s you!”
“So look out for me. You’ve expressed your concerns, I’ve said there’s no need for them. End of conversation.” I put the cans back on the shelf. “Just let me do my fucking job.”
Her jaw dropped at my language. “I’m trying to safeguard your job, Mark.” “You don’t need Kenneth’s involvement to do that, Jenny. Just trust me.” She shook her head. “You’re playing with fire.”
“So let me. Christ, Jenny, come and watch Helen if you must. Watch me. I don’t care, just don’t bring loads of red tape into it, that’s no good for anyone.”
Her eyes flashed with something that made my stomach lurch. My heart was still pounding, nausea threatening. “I’ll be watching,” she said.
She left without even telling me what she’d wanted. And all I could do was shudder.
***
Helen
It felt like an age before Mum left for the night and Katie was in bed. My hands were shaking when I dialled his number and it felt ridiculous. I’d been in his bed for two whole weeks, and just one day back in stupid school had reverted me to a nervous wreck.
“Helen… I was wondering if you’d call.”
“Mum just left,” I said. My insides were a bag of jitters. “Today, was it ok? What did she…”
He paused, and I heard him light up a cigarette. “We sailed far too close to the wind. Her alarm bells are truly ringing.”
My gut twisted. “Oh God… what are we… what can we…?” And then there was a lump in my throat. “Do you think we should… if you want to…”
“If I want to what?”
I made myself take a breath. Made myself say it. “If you want to stop…”
And he laughed. He actually laughed. “Christ, Helen. Don’t be such a drama llama.”
The relief flooded me, and I laughed, too, even though it came out all jagged and breathless. “I was really worried.”
“I wasn’t quite soaring high myself, Helen.” He sighed. “Look, the situation is what it is. We’ll be a bit more careful from now on. That’s all we can do.”
“Is it? Because if you want to… I’d understand…” “Are you getting cold feet?”
I laughed at the craziness. “No. Not at all. Never.”
“And neither am I. Like I said, we’re a bit more careful from now on. That’s all we can do.” “I won’t let you lose your job over this… I promise… I would never…”
“Stop it,” he said. “Don’t plan for the worst. There’s no point. What happens now, happens.” “I mean it. I wouldn’t let that happen.”
“Why don’t you worry about your coursework and let me worry about my career, Helen?” He paused. “That’s what I want you to do. Can you do that?”
I sighed. “Yeah, ok. I can do that.” “That’s my girl.”
And I was his girl. Always. “Mum and Dad think I’m with Harry Sawbridge anyway, that should give us enough cover for the weekends.”
“It does provide a useful smokescreen at least.”
I smiled. “They think he’s making me very happy. Extremely happy. They think he’s a thoroughly nice young man.” I closed my eyes, just to feel him. “I wish I could tell them.”
“Maybe one day.” “Maybe.”
I could just imagine Dad’s face. I tried not to. Maybe I could tell him this year, next year, sometime never. Sometime never in a million years.
I started at a noise upstairs, footsteps then whining.
“I need a drink, Helen! I’m thirsty!”
I put the phone to my shoulder. “Yeah, for the third time already! You’ll be wetting the bed, little Miss Drink-a-lot!”
“Ewww! I don’t wet the bed, Helen! Gross!”
I put the phone back to my ear. “I’d better go.”
“Sounds like it. I’ll see you tomorrow.” I could hear him pacing. “Low key, remember? Just to be safe.” “Yeah, I get it. Weekends only.”
“Unfortunately so.” “Goodnight, Mr Roberts.”
I could feel the smile on his face. “Sweet dreams, Helen Palmer.”
***
Mark
I’d have been a fool not to have considered it, the potential doom. More foolish than I was for losing my restraint in the classroom. The holidays had made it so natural. Too natural.
The option of resigning reared its tempting ugly head, but the idea made me feel nauseous. Defeatist, too. A whole school full of kids to let down, youngsters just finding their feet, A-level students just like Helen.
Not just like Helen.
And I didn’t want to resign. I liked my job. I loved my job. My home, too.
I paced around the place, weighing things up, but they refused to balance. They wouldn’t even come close.
I couldn’t give up on Helen, and I couldn’t give up on the rest of my life, either. All that remained was the inevitable gauntlet, dodging through the obstacles and just hoping I got a fair wind, enough to come out the other side unscathed. I didn’t rate my odds, but they were still worth betting on.
A man’s got to try, after all.
I loaded new photos onto my laptop. A string of holiday selfies. Selfies even the idea was absurd. Other pictures, too. Pictures of Helen by the fire, Helen painting, Helen staring into space without the slightest clue she was about to be snapped. And my favourite, Helen outside, barefoot on the lawn, smiling as the wind caught her hair, glowing and carefree.
I printed that one off, and dug out a frame from the cupboard. My first effort at making this place full again.
The shadow of impending doom had penetrated me, crept in deep under Jenny Monkton’s glare. It was still in me, an unwanted guest, a malevolent ghost of some potential future.
Should the shit hit the fan, it would be easily as bad for Helen as it was for me. She had exams, and study, and peers who’d line up to gossip and mock and jeer at her. Show me a student who could take that kind of shit-storm in their stride and still come up with top grades, and I’ll show you a million who wouldn’t. Especially not those with a wonderful and sensitive disposition like Helen’s.
If this crap went down, she’d go down with it. And that’s where the shadow lingered, death-gripping my sense of responsibility for that beautiful, talented, spirited girl.
It made me shudder all over again.
***