I pulled the car into the usual place by the river and turned the engine off. “I wish I didn’t have to leave.”
“So do I, but I could do without your photo on a milk carton tomorrow morning.”
She screwed up her face. “They haven’t put missing people on milk cartons in like forever.” “And that, my sweetest Helen, shows my age.”
“I’m sure it was before your time, too. You’re not that old. You’re not all weird and crusty and you don’t smell of wee.” I smiled. “Give it a few years.”
“I’ll still love you when you smell of wee. I’ll wheel you around in a wheelchair and you can call me nursey, if you like.” Her eyes twinkled.
“The future’s bright.”
She unclipped her seatbelt. “Lizzie will be here in a minute, I’d better go.”
I looked through the window at the picnic bench, and luckily the rain was holding off. “She’s definitely bringing you a coat?
I’m sorry I didn’t find your shrug.”
“That’s alright, Sarah bitchface Jennings probably stole it and flushed it down the toilet.” I raised an eyebrow. “Sarah bitchface Jennings?”
“She is a bitchface.”
“I’ll take your word for it.”
“Take anyone’s word for it, outside her mean girls gang, that is.” “Does she cause you problems?”
“Is this your teacher head talking?” I shrugged. “Maybe.”
“She’s caused me problems since I was like five, I can handle it.” “If you’re sure.”
“I’m a big girl.”
And she was. There was something different about Helen today, something subtle but undeniable. A new note in her scale. “Are we safe here?” She looked through the windows, and so did I, and the world looked empty.
“We’re safe enough.”
“Good,” she said, and shifted across the car to me. She took my face in her hands and pressed her soft mouth to mine, and wriggled herself against my lap until I pushed her away by her shoulders.
“Enough of that,” I said. “Or you won’t need to tell Elizabeth you’re no longer a virgin. She’ll make that observation for herself.”
She smirked, and bundled herself out of the car, and she looked so beautiful in her gown that I felt it in my chest. “Go,” she said. “I’ll be fine here.”
“I can wait. I assume Elizabeth knows about us already?”
She looked a little shifty. “I don’t have to tell her anything else…” “You trust her?”
“Yes.”
“You trust that I should trust her?” She nodded. “Yes.”
“Then I’ll stay until she gets here.”
It didn’t take long. Elizabeth Thomas was a quirky little creature. She appeared in the distance, springing along in big boots and a tiny little tartan skirt that blew in the breeze. She spotted the car and Helen waved to her, and Helen was beaming.
Helen was proud.
And that made me smile.
I waited until Elizabeth was close enough that I could see the spare coat on her arm, and then I started up the engine. “Are you sure you don’t want me to take you anywhere?”
Helen shook her head. “I think I’ll stay here awhile. Talk to Lizzie.” “Ok,” I said. “I’ll see you on Monday.”
She blew me a kiss. “See you on Monday, sir.”
I raised an eyebrow. “Don’t even think about calling me that in the classroom.”
“Why not?” she giggled. “I quite like it.”
“You can quite forget about it.” But I was smiling. “Ok, sir, if you say so, sir.”
I shook my head to myself and pulled the car away before I got sucked into Helen Palmer for the rest of time.
***
Helen
I was bursting. Properly bursting. As though my heart would explode like one of those candy fountains, and spray unicorns and rainbows and sparkly jewels all over the place.
I managed to keep it together until Mr Roberts’ – Mark’s – car was out of sight, and then I squealed and ran.
I almost knocked Lizzie off her feet, and then I almost strangled her, hugging her so tight that she pretended she was dying. And then she laughed, and hugged me, too.
“Oh my fucking God,” she said. “Is that for fucking real?! You’ve been with Roberts like all fucking day?” I nodded. “And he made me breakfast and I slept in his bed, and I’m not a virgin anymore.”
“You fucked him?!” “Twice. And a half.”
“How is that even possible?”
“Well, I sucked him off. Does that count as a half?” She smirked. “I guess that counts as a half.”
She handed me the coat from over her arm, and I put it on as she lit up a cigarette. But I was hot, even in the winter air I was hot. I led her to the picnic bench and climbed on up, and I was proud, pointing out the view like this was my spot, my special spot, but she wasn’t all that interested.
“So,” she said. “Was he good? He’s kind of old, did he come like super quick and start drooling?” I poked my tongue out. “No, he didn’t come super quick and start drooling.”
She stared at me like I was an alien. “I can’t believe you’ve ditched the big V. I honestly thought it would be Harry doing the honours.”
“I’m so glad it wasn’t.” I closed my eyes and I was smiling and I couldn’t stop.
“Jeez, Hels, look at you. Anyone would think you’d won the bloody lottery or something, not bagged an old teacher.” “I’d rather this than win the lottery.”
“You’re crazy.”
“I’m not.” I laughed. “He’s the best thing in the world. Everything I wanted. Everything I thought he’d be. More than I thought he’d be.”
“And now you have to go back to being his little student? How are you gonna pull that off?”
I shook my head. “I’m not going to pull it off. We’re together now, I just have to pretend at school, but outside of it…” I could hardly believe the words. “Outside of it he’s mine. He’s really mine.”
And Lizzie smiled, and she tried so hard for it to be a real smile, I know she did. “That’s so great, Hels. That’s really great.” She pulled me into a hug. “I’m so happy for you.”
“You are? You really are?”
She squeezed me. “I really am.”
But she wasn’t. She looked sad, like I’d poked her in the heart or something. She stared at the river and smoked and kept that smile on her face.
“Are you ok, Lizzie? How are things with Scottie?”
“Good,” she said. “Amazing. I’ll probably see him tomorrow, you know. I think we’re going to hang out and have lots of sex, and he’ll probably fuck me in the ass again. It’ll be hot.”
I smiled. “That’s cool.” “Yeah, it’s cool.”
“Is your mum home?”
Lizzie stiffened, and she threw her cigarette butt on the floor and lit up another. “No. Probably Monday.” “Ray having his mates round?”
“Dunno. Probably.”
“You can stay at mine if you like.”
“Thanks, Hels, but Scottie, and you’re with Roberts now and…”
“You’re my best friend, Lizzie, the bestest of the bestests. You can stay over. I’m still going to be here, like all the time. I can’t even see him that much with studying.”
“You’ll see him,” she said. “You’ll see him all the time. These things, they just take over, you know?” “Not you and Scottie. That hasn’t taken over. Why do you think my thing will be any different?”
She looked away from me. “It just will.”
I rested my head on her shoulder, until she gave in and put her arm around me. “I love you, Lizzie. That’s never going to change. Not ever. We’ll be dorm buddies, and hang out together, and you’ll be my best friend for all time.”
“Promise?” she said.
I gave the stupid finger symbol that she’d made up for me. “I swear, on pain of death, or never having Mr Roberts’ beautiful, beautiful cock inside me ever again for the rest of time, that I, Helen Palmer, will always be your best friend, Lizzie Thomas. Amen.”
And she laughed and handed me her cigarette. “Bestie’s honour?” “Bestie’s honour.”
She kissed my cheek and gave a funny sigh, and for just a second I thought I saw her wipe a tear away. “Right, Helen Palmer, you’d better take it from the top and tell me everything. And I mean everything.” I told her everything.
***
I felt different as I walked through the front door. Like I’d aged twenty years.
Katie came charging out with a handful of chocolate, and half of it was smeared over her face. “Some of this was yours, you didn’t mind sharing, did you?”
I smiled. “You can have it all.”
She did a little dance. “Yes! Katie for the win!”
I wondered where she even got half of this stuff from.
Mum was in the kitchen, and my heart tickled as I saw her there, stirring up a pot of stew for tea. “Helen, love, I wondered when you’d be rolling in.”
“I was with Lizzie,” I said, but there was something in my voice, and I couldn’t stop it.
Mum was staring at me, I could feel her staring. And then she hurried past me and shut the door to the kitchen so nobody else could hear her.
“You’ve been with your boyfriend, haven’t you?” she said, and she was smiling. “You can tell me, love.”
And I nodded, I nodded and smiled and then I felt so stupid, like a big girl and a little girl all at once. And there were tears,
happy tears. And I giggled and cried and felt so ridiculous that I tried to turn away but she wouldn’t let me.
“Oh, Helen, love, I’m so happy for you. That you met someone. You’re not a little girl anymore, and I know sometimes your dad acts like you are, but that’s only because he’s worried.”
“Thanks, Mum.”
“He seems nice, a really nice lad.”
And I wanted to tell her. I really wanted to tell her. But I couldn’t. I daren’t. “Come here, love, you’re not too old and grown up for a hug now, are you?”
I wasn’t too old and grown up for a hug at all, and it felt so good, that I held onto her, and my heart was so big and full that it hurt, and I cried. And I think Mum cried, too.
She pulled away and she wiped her eyes. “Look at me,” she laughed. “Silly old fool.” “I’m so happy, Mum,” I said. “I’ve never been so happy.”
“You want to hold onto that one, Helen. If you’re lucky enough to find someone who makes you feel like that, and loves you for the special, wonderful, unique woman you are, then you want to hold onto that one and never let him go.” She squeezed my arm. “I’ve missed this. I’ve missed seeing you smile, and laugh, and telling me things like I’m someone you want to talk to.”
“Of course I want to talk to you, Mum.”
“Then come over here while I stir this stew and tell me all about him, will you?”
I told her everything I could. Everything I dared. Everything about my bursting heart, and how he made me feel inside and all the wonderful things he said to me.
I told her how special I felt when he looked into my eyes, like he could see right inside me, and loved every weird little part of me.
I told her how lovely it felt when he held my hand and kissed my hair.
I told her how right it felt, and how he’d cooked me breakfast, and made me smell the fresh bread.
I even told her how he’d washed my hair in the shower and wrapped me in towels and given me his socks so my feet didn’t get hold.
I only wish I could have told her his name.