Mark
The whole place was thrumming, the air rippling with shock and amusement and bitchiness. Helen Palmer’s fucking Harry Sawbridge! Right now, in the gardens! For fucking real! Who’d have ever thought it of Helen Palmer?
Sweet little Helen Palmer.
I thought she was a goody-two-shoes little virgin.
I laid a hand on Jenny’s shoulder, indicating she should hang back, and I was off like a bullet, pushing my way through the throng to the gardens.
“Mark? Mark? Where are you go…?”
I held up a hand and carried on, her eyes burning my back until I stepped out of view.
My heart was pounding as I headed for the shadowy rear of the beer garden. The action wasn’t all that hard to locate. A straggle of giggling sixth formers marked the spot, peering into the darkness of a shady alcove.
“Back inside,” I said. “Now.”
Harry Sawbridge was too engrossed to notice me, his mouth slurping on Helen’s neck as his hands grabbed at her, pawed at her without finesse, groping and sloppy and eager. His belt hung loose, trousers around his thighs, greeting me with the pale sight of his naked backside as I crossed the lawn. I took hold of his arm, and the contact was much more violent than I intended, spinning him around but propelling him further, off-balance, where he swayed and dithered and shimmied about the place with his cock out and his trousers falling around his ankles.
“Mr Roberts!” His eyes flew wide as his predicament dawned, and he dropped to the floor, wrestling with his underpants to gain back a sliver of modesty. “Sir, I’m sorry, I…”
“Go!” I said. “Back inside!” “But Helen… but…”
“Inside!” I said, and shoved him towards his destination.
He shot Helen a pitiful glance and hurried away, fastening his belt as he went. I waited until he was well out of sight before I turned around.
She remained perched on the edge of the picnic bench, smoothing down her crumpled dress and pulling her straps back up.
Her mouth was puffy and her hair was dishevelled, eyes big and scared as she stared up at me from the shadows. My eyes adjusted to the darkness, and focused on her creamy skin, the frantic rise and fall of her chest as she caught her breath.
“What the hell were you doing? Helen, what the hell were you thinking?” “What the hell do you care?” She folded her arms across her breasts.
“Of course I care. You think this is acceptable? Fucking some drunken idiot on a picnic bench while the rest of the year cheers you on from the sidelines? Is that what you want?”
She shrugged. “Maybe.”
“Oh come on, Helen. You’re better than this. You’re so much better than this!”
“Am I?!” she snapped. “Am I better than this?! I don’t feel better than this!” Her eyes were glistening. “Maybe I don’t want
to be better than this! Maybe I want to be normal!”
I leaned in to her, and her breath was nothing but alcohol fumes. “How much have you had to drink?” “I’m legal, legal for booze, legal for everything.”
“I don’t give a shit if you’re legal or not. How much have you had to drink?” She shrugged again. “A bit.”
I took her elbow, and she was cold, her skin goose-pimpled. “Where’s your coat? Do you have a coat?” “Dunno. Somewhere. A shrug thing.”
“Where?”
She tipped forward on the bench, lurching about the place. “Can’t remember. Inside somewhere.”
I couldn’t hide my frustration, hissing out a sigh as I shrugged off my jacket and draped it around her shoulders. I guided her arms through the sleeves, and she was a flutter of dithery limbs, weightless. “You’re going home. I’ll find your shrug later.”
“I’m not!”
“Yes, Helen,” I said. “You’re going home right now. Shall I call your parents?” Oh the horror, her eyes flew wide. “No! Please! Not my dad!”
“What, then? You can’t just walk home alone.”
“Lizzie’s,” she said. “I’ll go to Lizzie’s. She lives at Lawnside…”
Lawnside wasn’t far. You could practically see the flats from the Three Friars’ car park. “Alright.” “Don’t be mad…” she said, reaching out to pull at my cuff. “I don’t want you to be angry… please…” “I’m worried. There’s a big difference.”
“I’m ok…” she whispered. “He didn’t… we didn’t…” She took a breath. “I’m still a…” And then she crumpled and the tears came, drunk emotional tears that rolled down her flushed cheeks. “I don’t want to be, but I still am. I’m still a stupid virgin.”
I took her by the shoulders. “And you’ll be glad you still are when you sober up.”
I caught some movement on the edges of the lawn, a couple of nosey parkers trying their luck. I took a few steps towards them and they scurried back, but not before I managed to bark out my request.
“Can someone find Elizabeth Thomas, please? I need Elizabeth Thomas here, now.” “Don’t…” Helen said. “Lizzie will have to leave, too!”
“Maybe you should have thought about that earlier.”
“Sorry,” she said. “I’m sorry, ok? I’m sorry.” She pulled my jacket tighter around her. “I’m just… I dunno… I dunno what I am anymore…”
“Drunk,” I said. “You’re drunk.”
It didn’t take long for word to reach Elizabeth, she came tottering across the grass with a cigarette in her hand. She had her collar up against the cold, dressed much more for the weather than her sweet little friend was.
“Helen? Hels?”
“She’s alright,” I said. “But she’s ready to go home now, are you able to take her to yours? She tells me you live at Lawnside?”
Elizabeth nodded. “Yeah, just down the road… I can take her…” She reached for Helen, yanked her up by her arm. “Come on, Hels, let’s get you sobered up.”
I took Helen’s other arm, holding her steady as she found her feet. It felt as though the whole place was staring as we made our way under the patio heaters and out to the car park, but I was long past caring. Helen tried to shrug my jacket off at the entrance, but I pulled it back around her and buttoned it up. I fished my wallet, cigarettes and keys from the pockets.
“Keep it,” I said. “You’ll catch your death.” “But what about you?”
I hadn’t even noticed the chill, my heart was still pounding and my whole body felt wired. “I’ll be fine.” I looked at Elizabeth and she seemed sober enough. “Take care of her. I’ll watch you both down the road.”
She nodded. “Will do. Come on, Hels.”
I watched them leave, and it was a slow affair. Helen seemed to crumple into Elizabeth’s side, mumbling words I couldn’t hear in a voice that sounded sad and whiny and tearful. I was glad I couldn’t hear them. I lit up a cigarette as I watched, positioning myself on the street where I could see them make their way up Elizabeth’s road. I waited until I saw them arrive at a block of flats in the distance.
And then I made my way back inside, and grabbed myself a double scotch.
***
Helen
“I’ve ruined everything!” I could hardly get my words out, they sounded weird and slurry and not like me. My legs were like jelly, too.
“Just walk, Hels, or we’re both going to go flying.”
I focused on my feet, climbing the stairs slowly up to Lizzie’s place. They lived on the second floor and it seemed to take forever and a day, swaying all the way up while I death-gripped the railing.
Ray was watching the game when we made our way inside, an empty bottle of scotch at his side. “Twit-twoo. Didn’t expect you girls so early. Very nice…”
“Helen’s not well,” she snapped. “She’s had too much to drink.” “If you girls want to carry on the party…”
I heard the venom in her voice. “No, thanks. Where’s Mum?” “Your nan’s.”
“Fucking brilliant.”
She dragged me through to her bedroom and dropped me on her bed. It was a long way to fall, just a mattress on the floor, and my stomach lurched as I landed. She crouched beside me and pulled off my heels, and my feet felt cold against the carpet tiles. “Get in bed if you want.”
But I didn’t want.
“It’s all over. I ruined everything.”
She rolled her eyes. “You’re drunk, Hels. You don’t know what’s what.” “I do know,” I sighed. “It’s all over. He hates me now.”
“He doesn’t hate you.” She tutted. “You’re wearing his jacket and he watched us all the way up the bloody street.” “Because he’s my teacher. He has to.”
“I don’t think it’s just that, Helen.”
“It is.” I lay down and pulled my knees to my chest. “I screwed up.” “You screwed,” she laughed. “I dunno about screwed up. Maybe both.” “I didn’t,” I said. “Harry didn’t fuck me.”
Her eyes widened. “You are shitting me?”
I shook my head, trying to ignore the sick feeling. “No. He was too busy fumbling, and then Mr Roberts was there.” “Shit. That sucks.”
“Maybe.”
“I thought you didn’t want to be Miss Purity anymore?” “I don’t. But Harry… I don’t love him.”
She rolled her eyes. “Like anyone gets that whole love shit their first time. First time’s overrated, Hels, you’ll find out. It’s not even that good. It’s awkward and it hurts, and it’s a big fat non-event. You’ll see.”
“Maybe.” “Definitely.”
“I’m glad I didn’t, then.” She fetched me a glass of water and I drank it down while she lit up a cigarette. She shoved the ashtray towards me and offered me some, but my stomach turned at the thought of it. Lizzie’s room was spinning a little, but I looked around anyway. She still had loads of posters up, still the same old broken wardrobe door and the tatty old dressing table. I was hardly here, she hardly wanted me here. I don’t think she wanted to be here either. “Mum’s away again. Typical.”
“Maybe we should go to mine…”
She shook her head. “It’s alright, you should get some sleep.”
I forced myself up, until I was sitting upright. “I have to go back out later.” “You what?”
“I have to, Lizzie. I have to say sorry. Give him his jacket back.” “That’s ridiculous. He won’t thank you for it.”
I reached for her hand. “Please, Lizzie. Don’t stop me. I have to make this right.” “You’re trashed. You wouldn’t make it ten yards.”
“I’ll sober up, head over there just before midnight, just before it finishes…” “You’re crazy!”
“You can watch me up the road, like he watched us.” “This is crazy talk, Hels.”
“Please.” I squeezed her hand. “Please, Lizzie. It’s important to me. Please.” She sighed.
“I love him,” I said, and even drunk it sounded pitiful. “I really love him.” “And he’s really your teacher, and you’re really drunk.”
“If I sober up,” I begged. “Please, Lizzie. Please let me go.”
“You’re eighteen years old, Helen Palmer. It’s up to you how much of an idiot you make of yourself.” She smiled to lighten the words. “I can’t believe you’re still a virgin. Way to go, useless Harry.”
“Harry’s nice. I just don’t want him.”
“You don’t want anyone who isn’t Mr bloody Roberts, Hels.” I shrugged. “That’s true enough.”
She stubbed out her cigarette and lit another. “Ain’t such a thing as true love, Hels. It’s nothing but fairy tales.” “You really think that?”
“I really know that. There’s sex, and there’s finding someone who is tolerable to try and goof about the rest of your life with. That’s it.”
“That’s no way it,” I argued. “That’s crazy talk.”
“It’s real talk.” She kicked her heels off. “Be glad that you won’t get to be with Roberts. Enjoy the dream. At least you won’t get disillusioned.”
The thought pained. It poked my broken little heart and made it bleed. “I just… I love him so much.” “He’d be just another douche like the rest of them.”
“The rest of who?”
“Men,” she said. “Stupid idiot men.” “Like Scottie?”
She shrugged. “Like Scottie, like all of them.”
I lowered my voice, looked at the door. “Like Ray.”
She took a long drag on her cigarette. “I don’t know what Mum sees in him.” I didn’t have an answer for that, because I didn’t know either.
She stubbed out her cigarette and flicked off the main light. “If you’re going to be sober enough, you’d better get some rest, Hels Bells. I’ll wake you up before midnight.”
I climbed under the covers and she followed. Only this time she didn’t tie me up or rub me in private places. She wrapped her arms around me and buried her face in my hair and hugged me tight.
“Love you, Hels. Always.” “And me you,” I said. “Always.” She was asleep before I was.
***
Lizzie was fast asleep when I crept out, and Ray was, too. I tiptoed through the flat, still feeling sick to the stomach, and my head was woolly, thumping a little. I shut the front door quietly behind me and put on my heels in the corridor. It took me a while to get down the stairs, but I managed it without incident, and the chill from the night air sobered me right up.
I went as quickly as my legs would carry me, sneaking through the Three Friars car park and keeping to the shadows. There weren’t many students left, just the odd huddle smoking outside. I kept my distance, peering through one of the windows at the back of the hall just to make sure he was still in there.
He was. And so was she. Miss pissing Monkton.
I crept back to the main entrance, and positioned myself in the shadows to the side of the car park. I’d catch hold of him here, as he was leaving.
Everyone in the whole universe seemed to leave first, laughing and singing and swaying up the road. I was freezing cold by the time he came out, even wrapped up in his jacket. My knees were knocking and my teeth were chattering.
I was all set to step out when I heard a voice behind him.
“Great night, all in,” Miss Monkton said. “Thanks for all your help.” “My pleasure.”
“I think everyone had a good time… asides from the dramas…” “There are always dramas, Jenny.”
She laughed too loudly. “Yes! Always!”
I willed her away, begging her silently to fuck off out of there, but she did entirely the opposite. My breath hitched as she took his arm in hers and rested her head on his shoulder and dragged him over to her car.
Cosy. They looked cosy. And she looked happy, and keen, and… in love. She was in love with him. It was written all over her face.
“Let’s go,” she said. “Bed calling.”
Bed calling.
He smiled and got in the passenger seat and together they drove away.
Together.
Bed calling. Together.
And my heart stopped.
***