Rosalind
I toss and turn, unsure what’s a dream and what’s not. The darkness keeps swallowing me and spitting me out. There’s the ugly man, the one who tried to violate me. He stares at me, untold horrors glittering in his eyes, his words echoing about what he’s going to do.
Then I’m surrounded by the familiar scent of Nikolai. It’s embedded into the sheets. I burrow down, but big hands pull me from under a heavy, dead weight.
“My Rose.” Nikolai is there. I’m in his arms, clinging to him. The darkness is calling. I open my eyes, and he’s got me tight, pressing me into him like I’m precious, like he’s my knight. The blackness waves over me, here and gone, and he rips off my dress. I’m naked in his arms.
“It’s your fault,” he says. Now, we’re in a bedroom-his bedroom-and he’s there, in a suit, hands stroking me, so sure. I try and shove him away, but I’m so weak. I want to pull him to me. “Hush, Rose. You’re safe.”
I’m there. The wedding, that monster trying to put his finger in me, making me spread my legs, expose myself. I scream, and I’m wrapped in arms that are strong and so familiar, I ache.
“Little Rose.” That deep, dark voice both soothes and riles me at the same time. I fight, trying to get free. He’s too strong. I try and hit him, but his lips kiss my palm.
“I hate you, Nikolai. You did this. You did this and you made me…want you…then you gave me away.” Tears push at me, and I want to punch him, scratch his face.
“No, you don’t.” Did I say that aloud? “Yeah. Go to sleep, little Rose, you’re safe.”
Guess I said that out loud too. “Not with you,” I say, words slipping and sliding.
As much as I want to hurt him, I also want to melt down into him. I want him inside me, taking me, branding me and making me forget what happened. I need to run. I’m falling. I can’t…I can’t… “I can’t, I can’t…”
A sob heaves inside, and Nikolai rocks me into him. “Shh, sleep, I’ve got you. I’m not letting you go. You’re mine.”
I slip right down into something like dreamlessness, safe in his arms.
I don’t know what time it is when I wake, but I sit up with a start, horror ripping through me. I’m naked, and oh, God-
The sharp, disjointed breaths stop as I take in my surroundings. The huge bed with crisp white sheets. The manly and plain room. The sofa and chairs and coffee table. A familiar scent is there on the sheets, on my skin, sitting on top of the sweet, girly floral. It tugs something deep inside. The malicious warm spice. Cigarettes, jasmine and earth. Sex in the afternoon.
Nikolai.
I remember him sitting and reading, looking so devastatingly handsome and dangerous. Polished. A sharp spasm of want passes through me as I remember the utter savagery and violence on his face, anger and pain and fear in his eyes as he carried me from that wedding.
A dream? I don’t know, but this isn’t.
I curl my palm in the sheets and sink down, pulling the cover over me.
He isn’t here, but he was. His presence is in the air like a vibration. Even though I might hate him, might need him and want him, I’m safe. I close my eyes. This time when I drift off, I feel clean.
The teasing aroma of coffee, eggs, and bacon pull me into consciousness, and my stomach growls. There’s a tray on the coffee table in Nikolai’s room. A jolt runs through me, not as strong as before, but a jolt of realization of where I am.
“Mr. Wilder said you’d be hungry. There’s water, fresh OJ and coffee.” I look at the tray, topped off with a rose.
I clutch the sheet to me, even though the voice is female. I look up. It’s the older woman I’ve seen here before. She’s small and has a meek air about her that’s fake. She’s tough as nails, I can see that in how she eyes me, and she doesn’t smile.
For a moment, I think she’s mad at me, but then I realize it’s not anger aimed towards me. Maybe Nikolai? I’m not sure, but I see the concern in her expression, the kindness, as she watches me.
I wouldn’t cross her, though. She’s different from the maid who crushed on Nikolai, the one I had before. The maid…something, something happened. I don’t remember what, though. I don’t ask, either. Right now, my well is still empty, and my stomach clenches with hunger.
“Thank you,” I say meekly.
“There’s a robe. Nikolai said you’d want a bath or shower. I moved your soap and shampoo in here for now.” Then, the woman bustles around and leaves. I get up slowly and my legs almost buckle. Everything hurts, and my face feels like I ran into a wall, or a couple of fists.
Pulling on the robe, I sit and eat. Soon, everything is gone. When I’m done, I stand. I don’t want to wash the lingering scent of Nikolai from me, but I can smell the horrible perfume from my father’s house, so I head for the shower, where I spend way too long scrubbing myself.
Finally, I dry off, leaving my hair wet. I pull on the robe and wobble back to bed. It’s pathetic, I know, but I need…I need a few more minutes.
Who am I kidding? I’m still a prisoner. This is still a cage. It’s just nicer.
What I need is to get away. And go where?
Genius. She must be worried sick. She must have called the cops.
I fill in some time with fantasies of escaping and having everyone locked up, but… No way would a man like Nikolai not have cops on his payroll. And-
A rap sounds sharp on the door, and before I can say anything, the woman comes back in, not saying anything as she tidies up my tray.
“Good,” she says, so soft, I’m not sure I’m hearing her. “You ate it all.”
“I-I’m sorry, I should have left-”
She spins, eyes hard, full of anger. “No, you should have eaten it all and you shouldn’t have been in that position. I could smack him, I really could.
I’m Mia,” she goes on after a calming breath. She’s still buzzing with anger. “Tony is my husband. We’ve been with Nikolai-Mr. Wilder-for years, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to smack him sometimes.”
I snort a laugh. The image of this small woman giving a man like Nikolai a thwack is so absurd…
“I’ll send up some clothes.” Her gaze rakes over me, and her eyes flare again. “Are you okay? Do you need to see anyone? A doctor?”
I look away, not sure why she’s being nice. People aren’t nice in this world, and they always want something, even Nikolai.
Especially Nikolai.
“No,” I whisper, “I’m fine.”
She’s silent a moment. “If you need to talk-”
“Can you get me out of here?” I ask, looking at her again.
“No.”
I breathe out. I expected that answer, but it still pinches. “Why are you being nice?”
She half chuckles. “I’m nice when I choose to be. You’re a soft, sweet thing, Rosalind, but you have fire. This life, it hardens people, changes them.”
I’m not exactly sure who she’s talking about, but I don’t press for more.
I just nod.
“It’s unfortunate you’ve been caught up in this mess.”
“Where…” The words come because I have to ask them, even though I don’t know if I want the answer. “Where’s the other maid? Sylvie?”
“I’m not a maid. I’m the housekeeper. Well, that’s what Nikolai calls it because I oversee everything in the house, but my job is much more complex than that.”
“Sylvie… She was taken, I know that,” I say. “I…I tried to be her friend. Is she okay?”
“She’s alive.” I shiver at the flatness of her tone, at what the words hold. There’s an ominous note to the short answer, but Mia goes on. “This life is not for the weak. You should remember that. Now, try and sleep, Rosalind. It’ll help you heal.” She points to a button on the wall to the right of the bed. “It’s old. Nikolai never uses it because cellphones are more efficient, but it was part of the house when it was built decades ago.”
I frown. “What is it?”
“These old places have them. It’s a bell and it works. Press it if you need me.” With that, she switches on the bedside lamp, setting it to low. Then, she turns off the overhead light as she walks out, leaving the door ajar.
Burrowing down in the bed, I close my eyes, and secretly, shamefully, I imagine the sheets are Nikolai’s arms, holding me close.
I’m running fast with my mommy. My heart is in my throat, and my stuffed doggie is held tight. I’m scared, so scared. I’m hurting. Mommy is wild eyed; she’s scared too, and that makes me pee myself, just a little. She’s so big and she’s bleeding.
Mommy whispers to be quiet, that I’m a good girl, so good at being silent and moving fast. Tears stream down my face. My hand is in hers, tight, so tight my fingertips are cold and getting numb, but if she lets me go, I’ll scream.
I love my mommy. I hate the bad man. I hate him. He’s my daddy, but I hate him. He scares me. My head is sore and sticky from his fist. Mommy hit him with something and dragged me out.
Everything is back there except my doggie.
Suddenly, she shushes me. Her mouth is at my ear. “Let’s play a game,” she whispers. “Pretend we’re invisible statues.”
My mouth trembles, but I do what she says. I’m so scared that the pee dribbles out, wetting my undies. Then a big shape appears, blocking out the light.
“There you are, little cunts.” He grabs mommy and hits and hits and I scream-
Arms have me, and I fight, hitting, slapping, a high-pitched scream ripping free as I’m plunged into the dark. But I’m big now, and I can fight. A-And, the arms don’t let me go, but they’re not cruel. I breathe hard as a voice starts to come in through. Not him. Not that monster. This…This is something safe. Good.
I breathe, sharp-edged, ragged, but deep.
“Rose,” he says softly. “I’ve got you.”
“No…” I stop struggling in fits and my breath evens, smooths. I’m not at my father’s house, I’m not a little girl with my mom. I’m here. I’m naked and Nikolai has me, holding me tight against his hot, bare chest. I don’t open my eyes as I burrow into him, into his heat and strength, vaguely aware I’ve traded one monster for another.
“Rose, sweet Rose, you’re okay.”
I’m crying. I can feel it, the wetness on my cheeks. “N-Nikolai?”
“Yeah, it’s me. You’re safe.”
“It was so real.” I open my eyes. It’s dark in the room, only a sliver of pale silver from the blinds breaking up the dark. It must be night.
“You had a nightmare, Rose. Hush, I have you.”
This is Nikolai. That knowledge solidifies, streaks through me, like the fact it wasn’t a dream.
“No, it was real,” I croak out. I struggle to get free, but he refuses to release me.
It was. I don’t remember much more of it, but in my bones, at the bottom of my soul, it wasn’t a dream. It was a memory from my hidden depths.
I sag against Nikolai, letting him stroke soothing paths down my spine, and I breathe in that evocative scent of his. It calms me and I burrow in against him. I shouldn’t. I know that. I should pull free, not seek more of him, but he’s holding me like I’m both the most precious thing in the world and his, like I might break if he lets me go.
God help me, but I want that. I want him. He chases those demons away. He makes me feel safe. He shouldn’t, but right then, I’ll take it.
Holding me, his mouth brushes against my temple, and he toys with the bracelet I’m still wearing, the one he gave me.
“Sweet Rose, I’m sorry. You had a nightmare, or a memory.”
He’s going to ask me what it was, I know it. I can’t…I suck in a breath and push back. This time, he loosens his hold. I just reach up and cup his cheek. His skin is slightly rough with stubble, so warm and real. I need something real and good. “Please,” I whisper, “please…”
“Tell me what you want,” he says, voice dark and beguiling.
“You…I want you to make me forget everything for a while.” I need to chase the new demons away. With everything else I’ve been through, I don’t think I can handle anything else. I’ll shatter. He doesn’t answer for a long time. “That, I can do.” Nikolai crushes me to him and kisses me.