The nurse gives me a quick recap of the last few days-Raul’s arm has only been getting better, and his general condition is at its best-and instructions on how to take care of him at home. Raul keeps interrupting her with huffs and comments, looking irritated about staying on the hospital’s property for half an hour longer than promised; and for me, that’s the
clearest sign that he is indeed back to his normal state.
“I’m fine, I can do it on my own. Here, let me-”
“God, can you be quiet for a moment?” I finally snap at him, carefully holding his elbow to help him get into the car. Raul’s wrist is still not as flexible as it used to be, and no matter what he says, he does need help with many simple tasks.
“Oh, and I thought you missed my voice.” Raul chuckles in response, his voice surprisingly warm.
The temptation to see his expression is too strong, and when I glance at his face I see a soft smirk on his lips, his gaze set on me. Our eyes meet for a moment, and I don’t know why, but I feel a wave of heat rising to my cheeks and I quickly look away. My grip on his elbow tightens as my heart picks up its pace. Goddamnit. Why do I have to be so dumb in his presence?
We both remain rather quiet for the rest of the ride home, but while I struggle to keep my cool, I can see from the corner of my eye that Raul is relaxed and unbothered. When I finally glance at him, I see that he is leaning back with his hand on the car door and a calm smile on his lips.
He’s looking out the window at the bridges and skyscrapers passing by, and the poor winter sunlight resting on his features makes him look young and happy.
Was he always like this when Mariana was alive? My heart squeezes and I look away, forcing myself to focus on the road. I’ve spent all too much time thinking about her lately-because I still don’t know if Raul is ready to move on.
The thought keeps coming back to me, and even after we reach home I find myself instinctively avoiding Raul-perhaps to avoid the conversation that I’m not sure I’m ready for. I help him get to his bedroom, of course, but Ruben calls him almost right away, giving me an excuse to focus on business rather than personal matters. We discuss the current state of things and the De Lugos’ plans for the near future, and I notice that Raul is focused on the cartel more than on whatever is going on between us.
And I mean, that’s good, right? It saves me from an uncomfortable conversation-which is great! But for some reason, I feel a lump in my throat when I leave the bedroom to let Raul have some rest.
I find different ways to keep myself busy for the rest of the day, taking care of Raul and staying in touch with the rest of the De Lugo cartel, but when night comes, I find myself at the base of the stairs, hesitating.
Should I go to my room and pretend like everything’s fine? Or should I go to Raul and finally find some closure for the heartache tearing me apart? It takes me a moment to find the answer-and the courage needed for it- before I take a deep breath and go upstairs.
“Knock-knock,” I say, opening the door to Raul’s bedroom, and immediately wince with a pinch of regret. He’s not a child. Why am I acting so weirdly?
Probably because my heart is beating so fast I can feel it in every corner of my being.
Raul looks up at me from his bed, closes the laptop resting on his lap, and frowns with suspicion. “Another ointment?”
“No, not this time.” I chuckle-god, I hope it doesn’t sound nervous and walk closer to the bed. “I just wanted to check on you.”
“And that’s all?” Raul quirks his eyebrow, looking at me with an unreadable expression, and something in his eyes tugs at the strings of my heart.
I sigh and give him a small smile. “And I think we need to talk.”
Raul slowly nods and puts the laptop away, sitting up against the pillows while I take a seat on the edge of his bed. Where should I start?
How can I put the heavy weight on my heart into words? I chew my lip for a moment, staring absentmindedly at the blanket and looking for words, when Raul clears his throat.
“I’ve been meaning to ask you, actually,” he says, and I blink in surprise. It’s the first time I hear him speak so carefully. “How are you feeling?”
Me? I glance at him with a frown-and only when I meet the dark but surprisingly gentle look in his eyes does it dawn on me.
“I’m…I’m doing pretty good,” I say rather quietly. I clear my throat, my hand instinctively rising to my belly. “I’ve been to the hospital a couple of times, just to check my progress and run some tests. So far, so good.”
I shrug with an awkward smile, still not really looking at Raul. I didn’t realize how weird it would be to talk about my pregnancy with…
well, with my husband and the father of my child. But it looks like it’s time to get used to this kind of conversation. I can only hope that next time it won’t be as awkward.
“Can I see it?” Raul asks all of a sudden, and I’m so not ready for it that at first I don’t even understand what he’s talking about.
“What?”
His gaze drops down even before he says with a hint of nervousness, “Your belly.”
Oh. I swallow and involuntarily press my palm closer. It’s not the first time I’ve heard such a request-Giovanni and Alina ask for it every time we meet-but with Raul, it feels new and nerve-racking. Still, I don’t see why not, so I shrug as carelessly as I can and raise the hem of my shirt.
My belly hasn’t really grown, only become somewhat rounded, but Raul’s eyes widen as if I just showed him a newborn baby. He looks at it for a moment before slowly reaching out to touch it. Uh, okay, I guess. If he really wants to, although it’s nothing special, really. I look away, feeling shy all of a sudden, when his touch sends a wave of goosebumps over my arms.
“I’m sorry,” Raul murmurs, and I frown, looking at him in confusion. He looks up at me, and I see genuine regret in the depths of his eyes. “I should’ve been there with you-for the hospital visits, for the tests, for…for everything.”
I blink a few times, staring at him and struggling to process what he just said. He’s sorry for…staying in the hospital and taking time to heal properly? I shake my head.
“What are you talking about? Your arm was shot twice. You had no choice but to stay in the hospital.”
“Yes, but I was thinking about you and our baby every day.” Raul sighs, lowering his gaze to my belly, while his hand slides up to where my
hand is holding the shirt. “I’ve always dreamed about doing all these things with you, you know? Talking to the doctors, preparing for the future, being…being a father since day one.”
Oh. Something in my heart tugs from the inside, and I chuckle, feeling tears rising to my eyes all of a sudden. Those goddamn mood
swings haven’t gotten any better.
“I mean…” I start, but my voice drops, and I have to clear my throat and squeeze his hand in mine before continuing, “No matter where you
were, you’ve been its father since day one, and nothing can change that.”
I meet Raul’s gaze with a soft smile, and I can see something glimmer in his eyes, a look of fondness and affection taking over his features.
“God, I love you so much,” he whispers so easily as if it doesn’t shift the very axis of my being.
While I freeze with my heart pounding in my chest, Raul leans forward and presses his forehead against mine. His balance is a little off because he can’t lean on the injured hand, but I automatically catch his shoulder, and Raul smiles a little wider, looking into my eyes.
“You are everything I’ve ever wanted.”
His words make something inside of me tremble with delight-but there’s something that still bothers me. A question that makes my heart ache but without which, I can’t imagine moving forward.
“But what about…Mariana?” I whisper, almost scared to say her name out loud but knowing full well that I have to. Her name will come up sooner or later, and it’s better to deal with it now than leave any doubts to rot in my heart. “Don’t you miss her?”
At the sound of her name, Raul sighs and pulls back a little, casting his gaze to our locked hands and tightening his grip. I see a note of sadness in his frown, the look in his eyes going distant as some memories I’ll never know resurface in his mind.
“Mariana was special,” Raul murmurs eventually, and the words prickle my heart unpleasantly, but I keep listening. “And I do miss her sometimes, I’m not gonna lie to you, but…you showed me that I can’t hold on to the past.”
He looks up at me, meeting my gaze, and I feel something inside of me blossom from the warmth and affection in his gray eyes.
“I thought that there was no one else in the world for me-but you opened my heart again. Isabella, you made me feel alive again, and I swear to god, my heart is beating only for you.”
He squeezes my hand tighter, and as if in response, my heart tightens with a wave of feelings. I blink a few times, trying to get rid of the veil suddenly blurring my vision. But no matter how much I want to hold it back, a couple of tears do run down my cheeks. Goddamnit. Do you think I can blame my hormones for that?
“You’re so-”
It’s all I can murmur before leaning forward and hiding my face in his shoulder, an exhale trembling on my lips. I shut my eyes and bite my lip, holding back a wave of emotions, while Raul presses his cheek to my hair and awkwardly puts the fingertips of his wrapped-up hand on my knee.
“Why did you never tell me?” I ask after gaining control over my emotions and pulling back to look him in the eyes.
“Because I was an idiot.” Raul smiles with a note of self-reprimand and lets go of my hand to cup my cheek, stroking it with his thumb.
“Because I thought that if I told myself that I don’t care about you, it would save me from falling in love.”
Wasn’t I the same? Didn’t I force myself to hate him? God, I was an idiot myself. How could I stay away from this?
I lean into his palm, holding his gaze, and I don’t know what Raul sees in my eyes, but something in his expression changes. The look in his eyes darkens but in a way that makes my heart beat faster. It’s as if I can see the depths of his heart-and I’m falling, falling without a chance to get back.
I don’t know if Raul feels the same, but when he finally kisses me it’s as if a wave pulls me down-strong, fast, and overwhelming. I don’t even have enough time to understand what just happened before my arm wraps around his neck and my lips part for him. God, I missed this feeling. I close my eyes, put my hand on the pillows behind him, and kiss him back, releasing the feelings that have been smoldering in me for weeks now.
Can you imagine what it’s like to see the man you love almost every day without being able to touch him? To kiss him? To feel his heartbeat under your hand?
It’s as if I’ve been walking in the desert all this time, and finally I get to dive into a pond of cool water, shivers running under my skin from every touch. I kiss Raul with passion, pressing against him, longing for his warmth-and he responds to me with the same hunger. His hand slides to my back, fisting my shirt, while the other one slides to the sliver of skin under the hem.
But aren’t we rushing things? Won’t this hurt him?
“Are you sure you’re okay with it?” I ask, breathing heavily with my lips warm and wet, and pointedly look at his wrist. The scar on his
shoulder has pretty much healed by now, but the bullet wound in his forearm isn’t quite there yet.
“Yeah.” Raul nods a few times, using the moment to readjust our position and lean back against the headboard. “You just have to give me some extra care.”
He says the last words with a suggestive smirk, and I huff and quirk an eyebrow with a smirk in the corner of my lips, settling on his lap. “Like what?”
I slide my hand down to press against the bulge in his pants, and Raul gasps and widens his eyes for a moment, instinctively pushing his hips against me.
“Like this?” I ask teasingly, rubbing him through the linen of his pants, and I can feel his body immediately respond with a shiver. The muscles of his thighs tense up, his eyes flutter closed, and the bulge under my hand grows into a full-on erection.