Sasha
God, how could I be so stupid?
I grip the wheel tighter, staring at the luminescent lights of the road. My lips are still burning from Louis’s kiss, my body is trembling, and my heart is frantic and confused. Why did he call me by my old name? As if he doesn’t know that it was fake. Everything about me back then was fake- except for my feelings.
Yes, I was stupid enough to actually fall in love with Louis while I was on a mission in their territory.
What can I say? I was nineteen, naive, and dreaming of a man who would accept me with an eight-month-old baby on my hands. Misha was a fortunate consequence of an unfortunate one-night stand in high school, and even though I hadn’t seen his father since graduation, I was ready to spend the rest of my life taking care of him on my own.
Well, not entirely on my own-because at the time, Mom was still alive, and I still had someone to take care of me. God, thinking about it now makes my heart ache because I never truly appreciated her support. I didn’t tell her how much I loved her, and when I realized it, it was already too late.
I take a sharp breath and only then realize how tight my throat is. Oh, damn it. I try to breathe out slowly and take control of the feelings pounding in my heart-and I catch myself sniffling. No, no, I’m not gonna cry a single tear because of this bastard. My grief and pain will not change what he’s already done.
So yes, nine years ago, Louis and I got to know each other, and even though I had to stay professional I couldn’t help myself. I fell madly in love with him. He was so charming, you know? Funny, kindhearted, handsome, and determined in his desire to get my attention.
Louis Messina was an enemy-but he easily found his way around my heart.
It took him a few weeks of dating to tear down my walls and make me believe that I could trust him. God, it was literally the worst mistake a spy can make-but I didn’t care. We were meant for each other, weren’t we? So I started dreaming about a bright future together, away from my sadistic Father and the bloody and meaningless war between our families.
But there was a catch-Louis had no idea who I really was. He didn’t know about my family and my son, he didn’t know I was Russian, and god, he didn’t even know my real name!
So one night, still in the afterglow of an orgasm, I decided to confess. Louis loved me, and I loved him-of course he would understand and accept me! Thankfully, at the last moment, I imagined Yuriy’s wrath if I destroyed his plans and decided to keep my identity to myself. I only told Louis about Misha and my situation at home-but even that was enough for him to dump me.
I chuckle bitterly, remembering how naive I was for the next few days, coming up with new excuses for his weird behavior. Louis stopped answering my calls and showing up at the doorstep of my apartment in the middle of the night. I met him on the street once, but he completely ignored me, and that was when I understood that I’d been used and discarded for the second time.
I can’t say that it was as ground-shifting as when I’d found out that I was pregnant, but I definitely couldn’t pull myself together. When I showed up at home, Mom immediately realized that something was wrong. She asked me about it, and when I finally broke down and confessed to her that an Italian had broken my heart, Mom was the only one to listen to me and soothe my pain.
That day, she promised to always be there for me-but as it turned out, I should’ve been there for her instead.
Louis’s betrayal left me lost and unfocused, so it wasn’t surprising that a couple of days later, Riccardo’s brother caught me red-handed when I was delivering information to Sergei. My cover was blown, and after Paolo chased us through the neutral territory, I never returned to the Italians again. Thankfully, I’d gathered enough information by then, so Yuriy wasn’t really mad at me.
The revelation put an end to the temporary peace between our families, and the next few days were full of blood and gunshots. Mom didn’t want me to be a part of it, but Father kept giving me orders and sending me as reinforcement whenever there was another fight between Russians and Italians. It was during one of those times, when I was fresh out of a gunfight, that Father called me and told me to get back home immediately.
The Italians killed Valentina. Those were the first words he told me when I stepped into the house, and I felt the ground shaking under my feet.
I could barely hear Father’s voice while he kept explaining to me that they’d caught a Russian pawn who was a part of the ambush they’d laid on Mom. I still don’t understand why on earth she decided to leave the house at such a dangerous time, but I guess she got into another argument with Father and drove away to escape his rage.
The Italians had caught her on our border and, with three cars, forced her off the road and over the bridge. Her car exploded, and I didn’t even get a chance to see her again.
My heart was in agony. I couldn’t help but cry, and I think it was the only time Father allowed me to do that. Why her? I didn’t understand, but Father had the answer. The Italian pawn had admitted that they got an order to kill Valentina and get revenge on me for betraying their trust-and do you know who’d given that order?
Louis Messina.
That day broke my life into before and after. Before I lost Mom to
Louis’s petty spite, Misha and I had been loved and protected from my Father’s temper. After, we were left on our own with this violent and coldblooded parody of a man.
Of course, I’ve been doing everything possible to keep Misha safe since then, but I can’t stay at home all the time, and I can’t predict what mood Father will wake up in tomorrow. Every day feels like I’m walking on the edge, not knowing what to expect from the closest person in my life. I don’t care about the scars and bruises I get-but I want to burn a hole in Father every single time he touches my son.
I’d been living like this for years, nurturing my plans to get revenge on Louis, and when Yuriy and Riccardo finally struck a deal I knew it was my time to act. The truce gave me a perfect cover to sneak back into the Italians’ territory without being afraid of getting shot on the spot.
Of course, I still kept it secret-allies or not, the Messinas wouldn’t want to have a Russian spy around. So for the first few months I was extra careful, only exploring the territories that had changed and evolved since the last time I was there. Then, the thing with the Mexicans happened, and it distracted me for a good while until last month, I caught sight of Louis in neutral territory.
The bastard was just walking around as if nothing!
For some reason, it made me so furious that I forgot about my task and followed him all the way to the border. I didn’t risk sneaking after him as there was a whole damn patrol around, so I decided to wait for a chance to catch him off guard. But when I finally got it-not one, but two perfect chances to shoot Louis-I blew it all!
I growl under my breath, unconsciously pushing the accelerator harder. Why did I even go to meet with him today?
I wanted to be generous and give him a chance to admit his mistake like a man-but instead, Louis only blabbered something about the breakup as if I fucking cared about his broken heart. He was right in front of me, and I listened to him instead of focusing on my own task. God, if only I hadn’t gotten so emotional and had focused on my aim instead, I’d have gotten him. Damn it!
I curse out loud and only then realize that I’m two inches from hitting the car in front of me. Ah, shit. I force myself to slow down and breathe out, releasing some of the tension from my shoulders. I try to cool down my anger, and the images of Louis holding me close and murmuring softly into my lips flash through my mind.
God, I hate how well he knows my body. He turned me on in a matter of seconds, and I was so close to giving in. If he hadn’t called me Alex, I probably wouldn’t have come back to my senses in time to stop myself-but it was also a good lesson. I can’t let him close again. I can’t let him waste my time.