I huff out loud and turn to Thomas-and of course, there’s not a trace of a smile on his face. He’s looking at Rafael with a cautious frown, and I can’t blame him. My bodyguard is kinda big and scary, which doesn’t make my life any easier.
I clear my throat and try to smile. “Hey, Thomas, so what did you want to tell me?”
“What?” He blinks and looks at me. “Oh, right. Uh, sorry, I don’t remember. Maybe next time, okay? I have to go.”
And just like that, Thomas walks away without a single glance my way, and damn it. It hurts. I can’t believe I actually thought there was
something between us! How could he like me? I’m just a fucking cow.
“Senorita-”
“No.” I raise my hand without even looking at Rafael. “Shut up.
Why do you always have to ruin everything? God, just…just leave me alone!”
I storm away, feeling the burn of tears in my eyes, but of course Rafael follows right behind me. He can’t even let me have a breakdown in peace! I bite my lip, holding back my tears as I frantically look for a bathroom with a goddamn old man following me everywhere. Ah, I hate him, I hate myself, I hate this stupid life!
I just want to be normal for once-but for as long as I can remember, I’ve been like a fucking doll in my own family.
My mom died at the hands of the Italian Mafia when I was seven, and after that Dad went completely mad about keeping me safe. I grew up treated like a princess in a high castle. I could get whatever I wanted at the snap of my fingers-but only if it was something Dad approved.
His rules were very simple: I had to stay in the house, and if I ever wanted to go out, there should be at least three guards with me at all times.
When I was little, it wasn’t hard to follow Dad’s rules. I could get any toy in the world, I could eat the most delicious sweets every week, and I could spend hours riding horses and swimming in the pool. The security didn’t bother me when I went out-probably because I didn’t like to go out anyway. I couldn’t play with other kids, yes, but I knew they didn’t want to play with me either, so I got used to spending time with my cousin Emilio instead. What more would a kid need, huh?
But when I reached twelve and went to middle school, oh, that was when things started to get complicated. I had to go to school in person, right? And there I realized that my life wasn’t the same as others’. I didn’t have any friends, and I didn’t know how to find them. I didn’t know how to talk to strangers without being rude and demanding, and the security guards that were following me everywhere scared other students away.
I was a total stranger to society, and the walls of our house couldn’t hide it anymore. And what did I do? I turned to the only person I genuinely considered my friend-but when I needed his support the most, Emilio turned out to be my worst enemy.
It started with small comments. Whenever I would tell Emilio about other kids avoiding me or refusing to sit next to me, he would shrug and say that it was probably because of my weight. Nobody likes fatties, right? So I shouldn’t be surprised.
When it happened for the first time, I laughed it off. Emilio had been joking about my weight before then too, so I didn’t take it seriously.
He’s three years older than me, and at the time that was a big deal. I actually cared about his opinion, and I didn’t want to lose the only friend I had, so I let it slide again and again, pretending like I was too strong for his words to hurt me even if they were making me sick.
Years passed like this, and eventually I realized that my life wasn’t normal-and it wasn’t only because I could find a bag of cocaine or a loaded gun in Dad’s cabinet. Even outside of the house, I still couldn’t be a normal teenager. With Rafael following my every step, I would never have friends, I would never go to a party, and I would never know what it’s like to be young and free.
I wanted to live-but when I tried to explain it to Dad, he said I was being silly. Without the security guards, I could get kidnapped or killed, so it was only for my own good to stay under his control. But I wasn’t a child anymore to believe his scary stories about the dangers of the outside world, so it all ended with a huge fight. The first but definitely not the last.
I tried to talk to him, plead with him, threaten to burn the house to the ground, but it was all for nothing. And when I finally attempted to sneak away from my security, Dad got so mad he locked me in the house for four days. Four days, can you imagine that? Not that it stopped me from trying to escape again and again.
Nothing was a success. In fact, each attempt at running away would eventually reach the same grand finale: Rafael would bring me back, Dad would give me a long lecture, I would yell and break into tears, and he would melt and tell me it was only for my own good. Then, of course, Dad would lock me in my room for a few days as if it would change my mind.
During one of those times, Emilio came to visit us, and he witnessed the whole scene. Dad always adored him and thought that Emilio was my great friend, so instead of sending him away, Dad sent us both to my room in hopes that Emilio would help me. Of course, he only made it worse.
By then, I’d already realized that Emilio enjoyed hurting me and making me cry-and he didn’t hold back this time. I tried to cover my ears and force him to shut up, but Emilio had always been stronger than me. He only laughed at my attempts to ignore him and said that I was too stupid to think anyone would want to be friends with someone as disgusting as I was.
Oh, maybe I even thought I could find a boyfriend? Not with such an ugly face like mine. Only Dad would ever call me pretty, but even he knew better than to let other people see me. He didn’t even find a rich fiance for his daughter, and wasn’t it obvious why? Because no one would ever want me.
God, I can still hear his mocking voice when I look at myself in the mirror.
Emilio found my weak spot that day. He was right, I had developed a crush on one of the older guys at school, and my attempts at running away were fueled by the desire to watch his baseball practice. His name was
Joshua, and after he stood up for me in the middle of a snowball fight, I went completely head over heels for him.
It was the first time I fell in love so deeply-and I don’t know how, but Emilio found out about it.
It was a nightmare. Whenever I was locked in my room without a way out, he would come-encouraged by Dad, of course-and talk about Joshua. They were the same age and went to the same school, so Emilio was closer to Joshua than I would ever be. He used to tell me about the girls Joshua liked and how I’d never be like them because I was so weird and disgusting.
I hated crying in front of Emilio because I knew that was what he wanted, but sometimes I just couldn’t help myself. It hurt so much. His words were slowly killing me from inside-but Emilio didn’t stop there.
Soon after, I saw him talking to Joshua at school, and while I was looking at them, horrified to the bone, Emilio turned and pointed straight at me. Joshua looked at me too, and as soon as our eyes met, I knew Emilio had told him about my crush. I could see that amused and pitiful look in Joshua’s eyes, and when Emilio said something into his ear, both of them burst out laughing.
It became the last straw.
I burst into tears and ran to Rafael, demanding that he take me back to Dad. I didn’t want any friends anymore. I didn’t want to have any
feelings for anyone ever again. I wanted to stay in my room for the rest of my life, and Dad was only happy to comply. He didn’t need to ask anything to figure out that my heart was broken, and I think Dad was actually grateful for what had happened as it finally made me quiet and compliant.
I spent the next few months at home, receiving individual lessons and struggling to keep Emilio’s voice in my head quiet. My cousin himself kept visiting us, but I found a way to avoid him-I’d lock myself in my room and stay there for hours, refusing to come out.
I had plenty of books and movies in my room, and I could get any food I wanted whenever I asked for it-and it turned out to be such a good distraction that I didn’t even want to do anything else. I was spending all my free time reading romance books, watching melodramas, eating pies, and forgetting all about my troubles in the fictional worlds. And it worked.
The characters from all those stories became my closest friends, and by the next academic year I found enough strength to go back to school.
Both Emilio and Joshua had graduated by then, so the horror of facing them again wasn’t there anymore. Other students still didn’t like me, and it looked like they’d pretty much forgotten about my existence while I was homeschooling. But it didn’t matter. I knew none of them could understand me like the fictional characters did.
I spent the rest of my years in high school like that-quietly reading books, staying away from other students, and obediently following Dad’s rules. I wanted him to trust me again-because I knew that one day, I’d have to use it.
One day, I’d run away from this life and find my own happily ever after whether Dad wanted it or not.
And that day has finally come.
I lean on a sink in the girls’ bathroom and stare at my own reflection in the mirror. My eyes are glassy and slightly swollen, my lips are dry, and my body is too big for a girl my age. I am disgusting, aren’t I? But in my new life, it won’t matter-because I will be free to find that special man who will be able to accept me for who I am.
To be honest, after I graduated and turned eighteen, I had hoped that things would be different. Maybe Dad would finally see that I’m an adult?
Maybe he would let me have a normal student life without the choke hold of security?
But as you see, things have only gotten worse.
Grandpa and Dad have gotten our whole family involved in some kind of a clash with the Italian Mafia-the biggest Mafia family in Chicago, mind you. At first, it didn’t bother me, as Dad always kept me away from their business. But this summer, the Italians killed Grandpa, Dad took his place, and I had to start the academic year with five security guards around the college building. Five. Can you imagine the embarrassment?
It was stupid to hope that Dad or Rafael would ever understand me and today proved it once again. But I’m not gonna be so naive anymore.
I breathe out, straighten up, and wipe my tears, looking straight into my eyes. That’s enough of crying and hoping for the best. No good story
starts with a woman having a breakdown in the college bathroom.
It’s time to pull myself together, take the first step of my plan-and get the hell out of here.