And it had been a long day all right.
All through our morning classes, Jonathan’s gaze had not left me at all, and it had both unnerved and excited me. And, naturally, the excitement part of my body response made me angry at myself, and that in turn made me even more unsatisfied at having him by my side as I walked into the cafeteria.
“Will you cut it out already?” I sighed, giving him a sideways glare.
“I didn’t do anything.”
The flat way he said that made him almost sound clueless as to what was unnerving me at the moment. “You’re just following me around like a lovesick puppy. Other than that, you didn’t do anything,” I rolled my eyes as I got in line to get lunch.
“Mates are impossibly attracted to one another but they don’t fall in love at first sight, you know,” he drawled, his serious tone making me turn my head to look at him, “You can’t love someone you don’t know.”
“And your point is?” I obviously knew what he was getting at, but I played dumb for I wanted to get it all in the open.
After using Tim and feeling awful about it, I was no longer so interested in playing jealousy-slash-taunting games with him to drive him away. And after the hauntingly vivid nightmares that left me raw, all I wanted was to get it over with once and for all. I simply did not enjoy mingling with werewolves.
“Don’t reject me before you even get to know me,” his strikingly blue eyes were holding mine captive, the intensity of his stare making it hard to focus, to breathe even.
I ripped my eyes away seconds later, all too happy to get air into my lungs at the proper flow again, “I don’t want to fall in love with you.” I shrugged nonchalantly. The truth seemed to unsettle him as he visibly stiffened. “I don’t want to be tied to you by some stupid mate bond.”
There, all out.
“Is it really that you don’t want to?” He paused, his hand reaching out to my cheek before I could dodge it, turning my face so I would look at him, “aren’t you simply scared?”
My eyes widened at that and lots of unwanted memories bombarded my mind. Before I knew it, a lump had formed in my throat and tears were about to spill.
I cannot show weakness. Not here, not in front of an audience, and not in front of him. That was my sole thought as I abandoned the tray on the counter and left at an unhurried pace, my head slightly bowed so my bangs covered my eyes. Hopefully, no one saw the glimmer of tears in my eyes.
Damn him and his old, know-it-all alpha-ultra self! There was no way I had let my fear of werewolves show in front of him, so he had to have guessed it somehow. He wouldn’t have, had he not been so damn old though. Argh, damn him!
He allowed me to reach the schoolyard before confronting me. Truth be told, I was thankful he hadn’t before. The two minutes it had taken me to reach the tree I was currently leaning a hand on had been enough to get my wits back together.
“It’s not good to bottle it up all the time, you know.” And there was his unnerving trust-me-I-know-what-I’m-saying tone again.
I shot him a glare but kept quiet, not trusting my voice to come out normal, fearing it’d crack the tears had deserted me but the lump oppressing my throat had not.
“Do you ever talk about it?” I was surprised to note that his eyes weren’t probing mine for answers and his voice only held concern.
“What’s there to talk about?” my voice had not come out as strong as I’d have wanted it to, but it had not cracked, and that was all that mattered to me at the moment.
“The rogues, Cole,” he shrugged nonchalantly, his posture deceivingly relaxed, “anything else that might bother you.”
My whole body trembled. I could not help it and it infuriated me.
Nobody talked to me about those two subjects. They knew it was taboo to me. I might wake up screaming in the middle of the night and cry myself to sleep afterwards but I never breathed a word about it. That was just the way things were and I liked it that way.
“Shut up!” I shouted, no longer caring if someone were to see us. Nothing mattered at that moment as long as he just stopped talking.
“Why? You’re afraid to lose control, aren’t you?” He insisted, unfazed by my obvious annoyance.
“Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!” I repeated angrily while he carried on, “You’re so afraid to lose control, you don’t even realize you’re like a ticking bomb already.”
I was so frustrated at not being able to retort or even express myself correctly, tears had started to flow down my cheeks… and I hated myself for that, and it only added fuel to my already flaming anger.
“Just shut up already!” I shouted yet again just as a nearby breaking roar was heard.
I blinked numbly, looking at him through narrowed eyes, wondering what the hell had happened, getting no response from him. And then I realized I was no longer leaning against the tree. When had I moved it? A quick look to the right told me all I wanted to know.
I had lost control.
I had let his words get to me. I had let my emotions get the better of me. I had let my ability bring about destruction without my wanting to. I had simply failed to remain in control like the green witch I was. The feeling of helplessness washed over me, quickly followed by self-loathing. I was not even mated to the guy and yet I was affected by his every word.
“As I said it’s not good to bottle it up,” he sighed, giving me a small smile before offering me his hand, and I just cocked my head to the side in silent question.
“People are approaching, we should leave.”
His flat response had me following him to his car. It wasn’t like I could explain what had happened. If I had beaten him to a pulp, I could have said he had made me so angry I had lost it. Explaining how the upper half of a tree laid in small broken bits was not the easiest task there was… I was not that great a liar.
“Hey, how are you doing?” I heard him speak on the phone as he drove us through the city, “I’m gonna need you to send an eraser to the high school.”
An eraser, huh? I mentally sighed in relief, halfheartedly mad at myself for not having thought about it myself.
In such situations, that was the only option. An eraser was a vampire whose job was to make people forget they had seen something paranormal. It sure was useful. If only I, too, could forget a few things.
No, how could you ever want to forget? You’re better off knowing what the real world is like, my stubborn side scolded me for my vulnerability. I had vowed to myself I’d never show weakness and I had promised Karl he’d never have to bid me farewell… After today’s events, it all seemed like the empty words of a child living in an adults’ world.