“Honestly, that is all I ever wanted. That was the thing that I thought you deserved. It wasn’t that you deserved… I don’t know, someone sexy. I don’t think sisters, even fucked up sisters like me, really want that for their brothers. What I wanted was for someone to do the thing that I did, to look beyond something superficial like… the shape of your body, to see what kind of person you are. I wanted the kind of woman you deserve, a truly good woman, to see that you would make them happy, and to give you a chance. And tonight, I think that I just wanted to show you that your good traits aren’t invisible. They are infinite and they are obvious to anyone who takes half a second to look. And I wanted you to know that I saw them. And appreciate them. Because I love you. I just got fucked up in my head when I tried to do it. I am not as thoughtful as you.”
I delivered this entire monologue to the side of Ben’s head. He had kept staring at the ceiling the entire time, just breathing and staring. He barely blinked. I wasn’t even sure that he was listening to me. But the words flowed out of me, no control at all. I guess that was a problem I had. But when I finally finished up, I realized that for the first time, I’d really captured the entirety of my feelings for my brother. And I had been honest with him about them, the good and the bad. The narcissistic and the altruistic, all in one. I didn’t like everything I said about myself. I didn’t hate anything either. I was ugly and I was beautiful, just like my brother. He realized that too.
“It is okay Rach,” he said. His words were simple. He didn’t elaborate. But he turned his head and looked at me as he said it. I could see in his eyes and hear in his voice that he understood. “No one is perfect,” he said, “the best we can hope for is that people accept our flaws and recognize our strengths. I know you love me, Rach. Even if you are confused about the way you show it. I love you too.”
“Thank you,” I said, my voice catching in my throat. I hadn’t realized how badly I’d needed to hear that. I didn’t realize how much I had been groping as much for Ben to accept me as I had been for me to accept Ben. I needed to really know he didn’t resent me. I walked quickly across the room, once again my body moving on its own, not bothering to consult my mind. But now, for some reason, I felt like I could trust my instincts.
I just got onto to my brother’s little twin bed, sort of jumping on top of him. My legs straddled his waist, but wasn’t really thinking about that. I wrapped my arms around his neck. That is what I wanted to. Hug him, and to hold him. To let him feel my love for him.
And for the first time, one of my unsisterly bouts of affection didn’t backfire. I didn’t feel Ben’s body tense defensively against me. He didn’t push me away. His around wrapped around me as well, pulling me in. My affection was authentic, unforced. Ben could feel that I needed to give him that love. And I think he realized that he needed to honestly return it. In that moment, he needed me and I needed him.
I lay on the bed, holding my brother for a long time. I don’t know, it felt nice. We’d just been fighting, and it is always good to make up with someone you love. And it was warm and comfortable on his bed. But of course, those things were only a little bit of it. It felt good to have my brother’s surprisingly strong arms around me, it felt good to feel my cheek against his. It felt… right.
And I guess it felt right to Ben as well. I don’t know when I noticed it. It certainly wasn’t there when I first jumped onto the bed and I don’t think I recognized it when it first appeared. But my brother and I were both just wearing pajama pants. I wasn’t even wearing underwear under mine. There was just a few thin layers of fabric between us. Sometime, into the hug, I noticed it. I noticed that my brother’s penis had grown hard. I felt it, pressing but not rubbing against me.
Obviously, Ben knew that it had happened as well. I think maybe we were both a little surprised about it. I mean, I knew then what I’d been trying to do just a short time before, even if I hadn’t really thought through the mechanics. I’d been willing to offer my body to my brother at midnight (I think). But the situation had changed rapidly since then. I thought… well I thought I’d put that behind me. I thought I’d realized that I didn’t really want that anyway, that it was crazy. And I thought that Ben didn’t want anything to do with it. That he was sort of disgusted by it.
But here we were. I was lying in my brother’s bed, my hips straddling him. And Ben was there. Not resisting me. Not disgusted. But excited by me, whether he wanted to be or not. And when I felt his hardness pressing against me, and I looked inside of myself, I saw, to my surprise, that the desire hadn’t left me. Even now, after everything and even recognizing that I was crazy, I wanted to feel him against me. And I found my hips pressing down and back, felt his hard cock pressing against me through the thin fabric, feeling the thrill run down my spine and hearing his breath quicken. Without thought, I turned my head towards my brother’s neck, my lips found the side of his throat and I could feel the blood pulsing in his veins. And I pushed down harder with my hips, grinding on him more forcefully, and again moving my lips against his throat. Ben’s hands pulled tighter on my body, squeezing me against him, I felt his hips thrust up towards me, instinct. I moaned.
And then Ben seemed to freeze, just for a second. I was no longer willing to bowl through him, to act based on what I thought he wanted instead of listening to what he really wanted, and I stopped moving. My heart thrummed, but I wasn’t nervous. I would listen to whatever Ben wanted to do.
“Wait, wait Rach,” Ben said, and I quickly moved my lips away from him, arched my back and brushed my hair out of my eyes. He was looking up at me, his face serious, “What are we doing? Why are we doing this? Why are you doing this?” With his pupils locked on mine, I knew that I couldn’t lie. But, I also realized that I didn’t have to. I looked inside of myself, and I didn’t see guilt. I didn’t see pity.
“This isn’t a plan or something. This isn’t why I came in here,” I said honestly. Ben nodded. He didn’t just believe me he knew it. But I interrogated myself, quickly, trying to figure out how I had suddenly found myself in what, just a few minutes ago, would have seemed completely impossible. “I want to do what I always said I wanted other people to do. I know you. And because I know you, I love you. And I want to show you how much I love you. No agenda, no condescension. I want to give you a chance, because I am really drawn to you. I am looking at you now and… I don’t know what I am doing. But I don’t want to stop,” I said, my voice smooth and genuine. Ben smiled, his eyes softening. There was something different here. Something had shifted, even if we couldn’t say what it was. It wasn’t what we were doing, but why we were doing it.
“Jesus Rach… I didn’t think this was going to happen. I would have said this couldn’t happen. I don’t know…” he said. And I realized in that moment that Ben had been struggling with complicated feelings, just like me. Feelings I didn’t know, but somehow I could understand. He felt pulled in different directions by thoughts that somehow cut both ways, and now, suddenly, everything had come into alignment. And it was beautiful and scary all at once. “Rach, you really are so beautiful… I never know how to feel about that and its just so… ” I didn’t need him to explain. I understood as much as I ever would.
“Don’t worry about that now, Ben,” I said, “I love you. And I have never wanted to this with anyone more in my life,” I said
“I want it too,” Ben said softly. I smiled and I bent my head back down towards Ben’s, but I didn’t turn my head towards his neck. I found his lips again, quickly, desperately. And he tilted his chin to find me, not rigid or uncomfortable now. Our lips pressed together, his crooked mouth pairing perfectly with my own. I felt… electricity.