Without thought, without words, I turned my head to look at my brother. He had turned back to the television, I could see the light from the screen twinkling in his eye. I reach my hand across his body and felt my fingers against his cheek. He jumped slightly, but I put gentle pressure against his chin, and he turned to look at me. I saw his strange features then, and a wave of emotions washed over me. Guilt again, and sympathy, and love. If I had any inkling of backing out before, it died now.
I closed my eyes and tilted my head to the side. My brother’s neck went rigid, his body seemed to freeze, but I leaned in towards him. I gasped slightly, in relief, as I felt my own full lips press against my brother’s crooked mouth. He let out a surprised noise, but I moved my mouth over his, sealing my lips over his. I let my tongue roll gently out between my lips, let them play across his. I pushed my tongue into his mouth now, feeling his teeth against them. I pressed my body against my brother, felt my breasts against his arm. But he remained rigid on the couch. Not moving, barely breathing. Finally, after decidedly one-sided kiss that lasted nearly as long as the ball drop, I broke my lips away.
I am not really sure what I would have done next if Ben hadn’t spoken. I mean I knew that he hadn’t really reacted to my kiss. I guess I figured he was just a little surprised. But I probably would have kept trying to do… something. Maybe Ben sensed that. Maybe that is why he spoke.
“Rachel? What are you doing?” he asked coldly. My eyes opened and I sat up on the couch, looking at my brother. He was looking at me awkwardly, out of the corner of his eye. He looked wary, like he didn’t know what to make of me. I realized what I’d just done, and I felt my cheeks grow red and hot.
“Kissing you,” I said honestly, “For New Years.”
“That was not a sister’s New Year’s kiss,” Ben said quietly. I smiled at him and shrugged. I thought maybe he just needed to be guided in the right direction.
“I know,” I said, “I thought that might be nice.”
“Nice? You thought putting your tongue in your brother’s mouth would be nice?” He asked, laughing but not at all happily. I felt my throat click. He was clearly angry. I couldn’t figure out why.
“Well uh… yeah, neither of us has ever been kissed on New Year’s, I thought…”
“Come on Rachel, why do you have to be so weird?” Ben said exasperatedly.
“Weird?” I asked, it made it sound like I was doing stuff like this all the time.
“Yeah, weird Rach. Kissing your brother is weird,” he replied.
“I was just trying to… make you feel better?”
“Feel better about what?” I said, pulling away from Ben and crossing my arms in front of my breasts. Clearly, I had crossed a line. Ben was not happy and I was embarrassed. And a bit confused. Both by how I’d gotten into this mess and, frankly, by Ben’s reaction. I mean I finally realized what it was I had been contemplating, and it was wrong, and weird. I got that now, and really didn’t understand why I didn’t see it before. But I still didn’t think Ben would be angry.
“You know Amber, and stuff,” I said.
“What kind of ‘stuff'” Ben asked. Instinctively, I knew that this was a dangerous topic, and I tried to steer away from it.
“Just Amber,” I said.
“No, you would have just said Amber. And even if it was just Amber, a French kiss from my sister wasn’t going to make anything better!” Ben said, loudly. I was afraid my parents would wake up and I put my finger to my lips. He calmed, slightly.
“It’s nothing,” I said, but I knew it wasn’t convincing.
“Why are you trying to kiss me? What, is it really that bad now?”
“Is what that bad?”
“Come on Rachel, do you think I am stupid too?”
“Stupid?”
“Rachel, you pity me. I know and you know, so can we just stop pretending like we don’t?” Ben shot back. Now he crossed his arms in front of his chest and leaned back in the couch heavily. My mouth opened and no words came out. He knew? I thought… “You do an incredibly terrible job at hiding it.” He said, like he was reading my mind.
“No, it isn’t…” I started.
“Why Rach? What is so pathetic about me that you feel the need to pity me? Am I really such a loser that you don’t feel anything about me other than… embarrassed?” Ben’s eyes dropped and he turned his head away from me.
“What? No…” I said, and I ran my hand up through my hair. Oh god, what was happening? My heart rate jumped and I felt my palms get sweaty. This had backfired horribly. I was making him feel worse.
“You’re always… condescending to me. Like I am a three-legged dog and you have to keep the neighborhood kids from chasing me with a stick. And you need to give me extra, condescending love because no one else will,” Ben said, and I could see a slight tear in the corner of his eye. Oh god, this wasn’t a sudden realization or anything. Ben had thought of this before! I had been hurting him, over and over again, when I had just been trying… What had I been trying to do?