I know that any person can get hooked up with someone who is not compatible with them. Trust me, I know. But I still felt terrible. That was my brother’s first experience with a girlfriend and it was a total dud. She was terrible. She hurt him. And she wasn’t even pretty, so how was that worth it? It was like the best he could hope for was ugly and mean. The guilt came back, deeper than ever.
I went back home for Christmas break about three weeks after Ben and Amber broke up. The feelings were still raw for Ben. He was moping around the house when I got there. He didn’t say much. Not even to me. He didn’t seem upset about Amber being gone, he clearly recognized her limitations as a girlfriend. But he seemed unhappy to be alone again. I didn’t blame him. But my guilt was heavier every time I saw him. I tried, desperately, to think of something that I could do to make him feel better. To make everything better. But nothing came to mind. I just grew more anxious as Ben grew more sullen.
It all sort of came to a head four days before Christmas. My best friend growing up, Christine, came home from college that day. We went to different schools on opposite sides of the state. We kept in touch, but only very rarely got to see one another. Christine didn’t even bother to go home, she had all her laundry in the back of her car and she came to my house. We sat down in the kitchen with some coffee and, after the normal preliminaries (so good to see you, etc.) caught up.
“Are you still seeing Andy?” I asked her. She scrunched up her nose and sort of looked out of the side of her eye.
“Who?” she asked, and I laughed.
“Andy!” I said, “The guy you were telling me about the last time I saw you. In the summer.”
“Andy?” she asked and closed her eyes and rubbed her head, “Oh shit, yeah. That guy. I wasn’t seeing him Rach. I just, you know, slept with him a couple of times over the summer. Christ, how did you remember him when I didn’t?” I laughed and sort of shook my head. I’d known Christine since we were little. In high school she’d developed a reputation, but she’d sort of denied that she deserved it. Since she’d gone away to college, she’d just embraced who she was. She liked a lot of variety in her sex and didn’t care what people thought about that. I respected her attitude even if I didn’t share it.
“Sorry,” I said, “I try to keep my spreadsheet up to date, but it isn’t always easy.” Christine laughed a little bit.
“Andy, yeah, he was okay,” she said finally, “maybe I will give him a call while I am in town…” At that moment, Ben walked into the kitchen and opened up the fridge. He looked mopey and didn’t say anything. Nonetheless, Christine noticed him.
“Hey Ben, how’s senior year going?” she asked. Ben looked up, sort of surprised out of his misery. His eyes flickered up to Christine and I thought I saw a little bit of a flash.
“Oh, hi Christine,” he said, “I didn’t see you. Good, going good.”
“Didn’t see me? Christ am I losing my looks in my old age?” Christine asked. She had known since we were all little that Ben had a crush on her. Rather than pussyfoot around it, she had sort of always teased him about it. I think he kind of liked it. Christine was absolutely gorgeous, and she sometimes paid attention to him. He laughed at her joke now, but didn’t say anything, his cheeks just got a little red.
“Hey don’t sweat Amber, you can do better,” Christine said after a moment. I quickly kicked her under the table.
“Jesus Rachel, what the hell?” Ben said, turning to me quickly, the redness in his cheeks growing deeper. I started shaking my head.
“Oh we weren’t talking about it,” Christine said, quickly, shaking her head, “Her ex, now current, boyfriend is my second cousin. I know her. She sucks.” Ben gave me a long, dirty look like he was wondering whether to believe Christine. I shrugged ran my hands through my hair. He knew how Christine was. Finally, he believed me. He looked back at Christine.
“Whatever. Nice to see you Christine,” Ben said, and he closed the door of the fridge and walked out of the room. Once again, I kicked Christine, less carefully now.
“Ouch!” she said.
“Way to go asshole, you got me in trouble. He isn’t talking about Amber now,” I responded.
“Well who cares, Amber is a cunt. My dirtbag cousin deserves her. Ben shouldn’t be dealing with that shit.”
“I know that, but I doubt he wants to hear it. And I don’t want him thinking I am whispering about his love life behind his back.”
“Well that’s what we are doing right now!” Christine said and I guess she was right. I crossed my hands in front of my breasts. We sat in silence for a few moments. “Listen, I am sorry. I didn’t mean to open my big mouth. I was trying to be nice,” Christine said.
“No, I know. Sorry I got angry,” I responded, “I am just a little… sensitive about Ben.”
“The world has noticed,” Christine said and my cheeks got red, “He seems fine. Like he just got broken up with. But he seems totally normal. Couple weeks it’ll be over.” I nodded, having thought the same thing before. But so what? So he’d get over Amber. What came next? I mean he’d just end up with someone else like Amber. Someone else who wouldn’t really deserve him for one reason or another.
“You know, I’d just feel better…” I started a thought not really sure where I was going. Would there be anything that would make me feel better about this situation? And, for some reason, something clicked in my mind at that moment. Why did people want to be attractive anyway? I meaning, being attractive in and of itself was pretty meaningless. It was the act of attracting that people wanted. To pull other people towards them. Other people who were, themselves attractive. I mean, that was the thing I enjoyed about being attractive. If there was a man that I wanted, I knew I had a pretty good shot at them. I’d been with guys that I’d considered to be perfect specimen before. That was fun.
Christine knew Ben. She knew he was a good guy. And she was sexy. And she was unashamedly easy. I could not make Ben physically attractive to women like Christine. Not as a general matter. But I could maybe help him feel attractive one time. The idea came to me all at once. I didn’t even really think through the implications of what I was considering. It all just seemed so perfect. A chance to do something for Ben. And an opportunity, maybe, to finally get a little bit of relief from my guilt.
“Feel better?” Christine said, pulling me out of my brain.
“Oh… yeah,” I said, and then I turned and looked at Christine. She really was perfect for this. Long blonde hair, big eyes, clear skin, big breasts, long legs. She was a college dream girl. And I already knew Ben was infatuated with her. I just had to close the deal.
“You sleep with a lot of guys, right?” I asked and Christine laughed, “Oh Jesus that came out wrong!” It was like my brain wasn’t working right, I was so excited by my idea.
“Yeah to both things. Yes, I sleep with people. And yes, your brain is damaged. What the hell are you talking about?”
“Sorry,” I said, shaking my head, “I was just… have you ever slept with a younger guy?” I asked. I mean, how do you approach this particular topic? And what, exactly was I suggesting?
“I don’t often card. I assume they were all of age,” Christine said dubiously. I laughed a little and shrugged.
“No, I know. I am just…” I said, “Sorry, I phrased that weirdly,” I needed to take a minute and plan out what I intended to say, I was just throwing things out there.
“Rachel, are you alright? You are all over the place” Christine said, and it was like it accidentally knocked something loose in my mind.
“Would you sleep with my brother?” I blurted. I don’t know if I’d even ever thought about what I was planning to say. Or suggest. I definitely wasn’t planning on being that direct. It just sort of slipped out. Christine’s jaw was on the kitchen table and she was laughing awkwardly.
“Say what now Rach?” She asked, incredulous. My voice caught in my throat. Oh god, what had I suggested? What was I even thinking? But there was no putting the genie back in the bottle now. I’d made a request. A horrifying request. But there it was.
“Yeah, uh… I…”
“Oh, now you’re shy?” Christine asked, shaking her head.
“I’m sorry. I just…”