“He’s fine,” she said wistfully, “I don’t know. He has been even quieter than usual lately, staying up in his room more than ever. Since… well pretty much since he got back from school with you.” My stomach did a little backflip. I was afraid of that.
“Oh,” I said, trying to sound cool.
“Did anything happen while he was there, something… I don’t know,” she said, crossing her arms in front of her breasts. I shook my head vigorously.
“No, absolutely not,” I said, a little bit too earnestly. But my mom didn’t seem to notice. She looked around the corner conspiratorially to check for my father.
“I have been thinking lately about your brother. You know he doesn’t fit in well at school and he seems very unhappy.” She said.
“No he’s just…” I started to say, but my mother raised her hand.
“And he is sort of small and… I don’t know, is feminine the right word,” and that took me by surprise, I didn’t get a female vibe from my brother at all. I got a totally different vibe, I am sure you remember, “I think your brother is gay.” I almost laughed right there. I knew for a fact he wasn’t, “And I was just wondering if something happened to your brother at school. Something with a boy maybe?” She said and I smiled.
“Mom, Sammy isn’t gay. You aren’t describing a gay boy, your describing a nerd. Your son is a nerd. He isn’t gay. Trust me,” I said. Well, at least my parents were as oblivious as ever.
“No, just listen…” my mother started.
“Seriously mom, Sammy and I… talk. I know he isn’t gay. Please trust me,” I said. She just shrugged her shoulders like she had other fears she was worried about, but she didn’t say anything else. I decided to change subjects. I looked into the living room.
“How’s dad been?” I asked.
“Oh him?” she asked like I’d asked about George Washington or Napoleon, “He is… your father. I don’t know. Since he retired, we barely talk. I don’t know.” I’d known my parents’ marriage wasn’t great for a long time. This was the sort of thing she always said.
“Sorry,” I said.
“No, don’t be,” she said, “You know your father and I. We never get along, but we’d never know what to do without one another. Anyway, I guess I have some laundry to do. Why don’t you go say hi to dad, or Sammy.” She said and I knew the conversation was over. She walked over to the laundry room and disappeared inside.
I walked out and looked at the living room and saw my dad staring at the TV. He started yelling at the basketball game. I rolled my eyes and decided that talking to my dad was probably not the way to go. So I headed upstairs. I was going to talk to my brother. I was terrified.
I knocked on his door and at first I heard nothing. I knocked again and I heard a sort of inquisitive grunt. I decided that this meant it was okay for me to open the door. So I pushed it open. My brother’s room was almost completely dark except for the glow of his computer screen. There were clothes and stuff all over the floor and it felt stuffy and uncomfortable. I saw him sitting in his chair, his back was too me.
“What do you need mom?” he asked impatiently. I saw he was playing some sort of video game. I didn’t say anything at first. I didn’t know what to say. It felt so awkward now. It wasn’t like being with my brother anymore. It was like running into an ex-boyfriend. I cleared my throat.
“Oh shit! Lynn, I thought you were getting home tomorrow,” he said and he turned and looked at me. His eyes were a little bloodshot from playing video games too long. He looked tired. His shirt was dirty and his boxers looked like they were threadbare. I could see his massive penis hanging limply against his legs through them, but I forced myself not to look at it. God help me, even if that bedraggled looking state, I still found him attractive. I fought down that feeling, that wasn’t a feeling that a sister had for her brother.
“No, today,” I said casually. I didn’t know what else to say. I walked over to the bed and sat down, “So how have you been?” It didn’t feel like the right thing to say but at least it didn’t feel like the wrong thing.
“I’m… fine,” he said. He refused to look me in the eye when he spoke to me. I could tell that he was ashamed. I wanted to get passed this. I wanted my brother back.
“Mom thinks you’re gay,” I said and smiled. My brother’s eyes got wide and then he laughed. He laughed harder than he had to; I think it was just the sense of relief. Things were normal again; I was giving him information about my mother’s most recent paranoia.
“What makes her think that?” he asked finally, and he looked at me when he spoke. His eyes looked so intelligent, so beautiful even tinged in red.
“Who knows,” I said, “You know how she is. She is always worried about something. I get the feeling there is more than the usual bullshit between her and dad lately.” My brother grimaced and then rolled his eyes. He got up furtively from the chair and closed the door to his bedroom. He returned to his chair and sat down.
“Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about it but,” he started. He wanted to say something about how things were weird because we’d fucked each other, but he decided against it, “I haven’t had the chance. They are really weird lately. I mean more so than usual. They aren’t just arguing and stuff. Dad sleeps on the couch every night now.” I winced. My parents’ marriage had been on a slow decline for a while now. It was a topic of regular conversation between my brother and me. I didn’t know what I felt, relief because I was talking to my brother normally, or sadness because the decline of my parent’s marriage had apparently reached its nadir.
“You think they are finally going to get a divorce?” I asked.
“I don’t know,” Sammy said and shrugged. And then we were quiet again. His room felt even stuffier than before and I felt like I wanted to get out of here. I mean the house. I wanted to go back to school and just get on with my life. I stood up and moved towards the door.
“Hey Lynn,” my brother said and I turned and looked at him. His eyes were cast down and he was clearly pained, “I am so sorry about what happened. I don’t know what got into me. I know I apologized before, but I want to say that I am sorry I took advantage of you. Things got out of hand and I should have stopped it. You’re my sister and I am supposed to take care of you, not hurt you.” He said all of this is one fast breath. He was shaking slightly while he talked, not like he was crying but like he was scared. I felt a wave of compassion race over me. I had spent all this time thinking about my own guilt and confusion, it never occurred to me that my brother would feel guilty. Why should he? The entire situation was my fault. I’d started everything. I moved over to my brother and got down on my knees next to his chair. I put my hand over his. It felt cold.